Its been an odd week. Can't find the right words to express how amazing Day of Silence was, it will come as a later post I promise. Its Friday, the last day of classes before finals, and for that I am very grateful, and I should come out of this semester with a 3.0 (keeping fingers crossed). Midnight rains spent on the balcony while the chill of rain runs through me. I am looking forward to summer, I acutally have a job I will enjoy. I am a lab assistant over the summer woohoo!! No more restaurants! At least for now anyways, just the other day I was thinking I should get a part time job in another restaurant just for the hell of it, I kinda miss the kitchen commrade. That is about it for now, hope finals and end of the semester stuff is going good for all of you guys.


I Don’t Know:
Cannot find the words to say I'm sorry
Don't know how to show you I was wrong

Wasted all that you had given to me

Now I'm left with nothing and no one

And I find it's my fault

I'm the only one to blame

For the tears and the pain

I don't know what I can say

Or would it matter anyway

'Cause I don't know how you could still forgive me

For all that I have put you through

Is there anything that I can do

All my life has lead to this decision

To return and ask you this one thing

And if I had one chance or if a million

Would it ever be enough for me

To explain what I've done

Now I know that I was wrong

Will you hold me again

I don't know what I can say

Or would it matter anyway

'Cause I don't know how you could still forgive me

For all that I have put you through

Is there anything that I can do

I would give my life to find your mercy

I don't know what I can say

Or would it matter anyway

~I Don’t Know, Third Day Album: Come Together

Knuckle Down

that's just my cowgirl alter-ego

riding on her bar room bull

dripping with the sweat of irony

as the cowboys whoop and drool

shooting glances at the mirror

to see if her scar is showing

she is truly going nowhere tonight

lecherous old lady wanna-be

much too young and shy

flailing her whole life

just thinking she can teach herself to fly

vehement romantic

frantic for forever right now

but forever's going nowhere tonight

sick of goading her self-loathing

she thinks, i think i'd better leave

'course whiskey makes me smarter

and i'm happy as can be

but please excuse me darlin

it's not you

it's me

and there's a dusty old dust storm on mars,

they say

so tonight you can't see it too clear

still i stood in line to look through their

telescope

looked like a distant ship light

as seen from a foggy pier

and i know that i was warned

still it was not what i hoped

yes i know that i was warned

still it was not what i hoped

i think i'm done gunnin to get closer

to some imagined bliss

i gotta knuckle down

and just be ok with this

i'm gonna knuckle down

just be ok with this

'course that star struck girl is already someone i miss

i swear some stuff you just see better from further away

and i think i communicate best now, the less i say

and i can't dance if the band can't play

and the vibe is going nowhere tonight

'cuz somewhere between Hollywood and its pretty happiness

and an anguish so infinite it's anybody's guess

is a place where people are all teachers

and this just one long class

and that ass will get you nowhere tonight

there's a dusty old dust storm on mars they say

so tonight you can't see it too clear

still i stood in line to look through their

telescope

looked like a distant ship light

as seen from a foggy pier

and i know that i was warned

still it was not what i hoped

yeah i know that i was warned

still it was not what i hoped

i think i'm done gunnin to get closer

to some imagined bliss

i gotta knuckle down

just be ok with this

gotta knuckle down

just be ok with this

'course that star struck girl

is already someone i miss

© 2005 ani difranco / righteous babe music

"We Interupt Our Regularly Scheduled Programming...

To bring you an inside look into the Squid's life right now. "

Spastic flailing over here...happy dances in that corner...the doom song up the stairs and to the left...DO DE DO WAFFLES!!! in the kitchen...light fixture hanging and focusing around back... drag kings at the front door...SHHH Silence is only a day away.

Oh yeah.. Hi Guys *waves and smiles* just a quick note to let you know things are going well on my end. I have been planning and preparing for the University of Wyoming's first Day of Silence(which is tomorrow for all of you in town) We are starting off the events with Shout Out Before the Shut Up this evening, and the silence will begin tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. There will also be a silent lunch in the student union from 12-1, and then of course our Breaking The Silence rally that evening at 5. I am finally getting excited about tomorrow for the longest time I was just nervous, and still excited isn't quite the right word either. We are going to be making a huge difference tomorrow here on campus. What are you doing where you are to end the silence?

I promise a more detailed post with all sorts of goodness will be posted later but for now I am off to save something or other spasitically or probably just by mere chance before tomorrow. And also check all the little details for tomorrow.

"We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming."

12 1/2 hours and I swear you would be loopy too.

Blarg! Alarm blaring in my ear the only thought in my head was that it honestly couldn't be 8:30 in the morning already, but sure enough the morning came quickly, and rolling out of bed was the hardest thing this morning especially with a little bit of a hangover. First things first cure hangover, 2 glasses of water, 3 ibuprofen, some toast, and of course a nice hot shower.

Last night I took second at the slam, which was awesome, and the after party was of course fun. I hadn't necessarily forgotten that we had tech rehearsal today I just ignored the fact. But as 9:30 finally came around I was excited about finally helping out with my first show at the University. The Student Directed One Acts will be showing tomorrow all the way through Wednesday, and I was asked if I would run the lighting board. We got to Fine Arts this morning and I was terrified that I would some how push the wrong button and the theater would implode or something, yes I know, an irrational fear, but a fear none the less. We ran cue to cue and then tech run-throughs today, and after about 9 hours of being stuck in the lighting and sound both the tech team tends to get a little loopy I have found out. By the time we got to the end of the 6th play, the booth did a lovely serenade to all of the people in the house because we were finally done, with no huge problems. YAY!!! So tonight was ended with the post-show music playing while the actors tore down set, all the while the booth singing:

"When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be." ~ Let It Be, The Beatles

Making a Difference

Saturday morning came more quickly than expected, especially since my alarm clock didn't go off, will have to check on that. I was trying to prepare for a big day, so I thought I would get up early to double check that I had everything, instead I woke up 20 minutes before Jim was suppose to pick me up. Running around half dressed throwing things into my duffel bag, a mental check list ran threw my head most important first:
Tuxedo (shirt, pants, and jacket with tails): Check
Bow-tie: Check
Cuff Links: Check
Cumber bun: Check
Hair Gel: Check
Wallet, phone, keys: Check
Books (something to do while oil gets changed): Check
PJ's: Check
Stuffed Animal Puppy: Check
Oh crap...shoes I need black shoes, and I can't wear white socks, shit...shit... ok so the socks don't exactly match but they are both black, so I through them in as well. About this time Jim drove up and I ran out the door, still feeling like I forgot half of my body. Driving down to Ft. Collins I realize it’s only the camera I had forgotten, which is semi-replaceable with a quick stop for a disposable camera.

As we drove into Denver, I didn’t know what to expect from the day, I was nervous and excited, still in awe that I was going to a dinner that could possibly have some very important people at it. We got ready and dressed for the dinner at one of Jim’s friend’s house, me not quite sure how to piece the tuxedo together and feeling uncomfortable, “Would I be too over-dressed, would I be out of place being the only girl in a suit?” Then I remembered that I may be all of those things, but that is ok because I am more comfortable in a suit than what I would be in a dress, and getting dressed up is fun for me. After a little help with the cuff links, and making sure the hair was good to go and the cumber bun was the right side up, we were off, two very handsome people, Jim and I.

We came in the back way to the Tabor Center, and self-parked so we missed seeing Fred Phelps, which I can’t say I was sad about. Walking into the lobby of where we would have dinner and seeing so many bears donated by names I recognized, names that by them donating a bear said yes I am support this foundation, I am supporting anti-hate against the LGBT community, I am pushing for acceptance of diversity throughout society, it honestly floored. I am not sure why it came as a surprise to me that so many support the “good fight”, maybe because this showed me that we really are not alone in that fight. I met people Saturday night that in my mind were the for-runners and leaders of our social movement, people to be in awe of, but Jim leaned over and said, “Remember honey, they are just people, simple as that, just like you and me.” I was introduced to representatives from GLADD, the Foundation, and people who used to work there, or works with them. Every time Jim would introduce me he would say something along the lines of, “This Brittany one of our Board members of Spectrum, and she has also organized the University’s first Day of Silence.” People congratulated me, and offered help and support, they gave their cards and said call if you need anything, they were ( I can’t find the right word, proud maybe, amazed maybe) but it was something that shocked me. By the end of the night I had the Foundation’s support, and I am suppose to drop an e-mail to them to get a box of bracelets from the Foundation to hand out at Day of Silence.

Dinner was absolutely amazing, chicken and mmm just goodness. I heard a college student accept an award for Making a Difference, and his confidence in what he has done and all that he has done made me cry, I also heard Judith Light and Robert Disiderio speak and there conviction of their beliefs put into action brought tears to my eyes as well. I met some amazing drag queens, with huge hearts, that I hope to see again in April for Wyoming Aids Walk, and made some new friends I do believe.

Saturday night made me realize that we are never alone in the fight for acceptance and understanding. What we do here at the University of Wyoming does not only make a difference here, but every where it effects the cause in a good way. What we do matters and changes societies views, granted it may be slowly, but change does happen, not only here in our community but across the country as well.
“Now, do you see Brittany, why so many people are proud of what you’ve done on campus?”

I do. Now. I am proud of the fact that I have headed the group to organize the University of Wyoming first Day of Silence. I am also very proud and grateful to everyone who has helped out along the way, the Spectrum Board, and our group members all who have huge hearts and bigger generosity.

So…The University of Wyoming will be hosting its first and hopefully annual Day of Silence on April 26th. The Day of Silence is a silent protest against the discrimination, harassment, and prejudice of anti-LGBT. But the Day of Silence Project is more than being silent for a day. It’s about raising awareness around LGBT issues, making a visible personal commitment to justice and equality. The positive and visible silence that we are creating turns the destructive silence created by homophobia and heterosexism on its head.

The last day of Spring Break and I am stuck working all day.

Oh well, probably for the better. There is snow covering the ground outside right now anyways. Leave it to Wyoming to be nice the week before spring break and dump snow on us all throughout the week of Spring Break.

Miles Driven: 1,995
Miles Walked: 16
One new tie
One new hat
A new pair of shorts
And a couple more comics

I started off Spring Break with a weekend trip to Vegas. It was awesome, we got into Vegas around 1:00 in the morning on Saturday and we were all to excited and to much adrenaline pumping to actually go to bed, and since in Vegas there are people up 24 hours a day, we all got dressed up and went out on to the strip, wandered around part of Caesar’s Palace and ended up in the casino at the Excalibur until 5:30 in the morning. Walking back to our hotel at 6:00 in the morning we were rained on a little and watched the sun rise over the Strip. Saturday was spent wandering around shops and getting our tickets for KA the Cirque Du Soleil show we went and saw Saturday night. Words cannot explain the show, I was on the edge my seat the entire night with partial audience participation (mainly just actors running into the seating area), the staging and lighting were fascinating and the pyrotechniques were fabulous. The rest of the weekend was mainly more walking around.
We're not letting go this time, days wasted together can be the most valuable in a life.

I have finally gotten my leaner's permit (yes again, someday I swear I will get my license) and drove Sunday night from Vegas up to Cedar City, UT. Wednesday some of my friends decided to steal away to Ft. Collins and Denver for a couple days, so we invaded the comic book shops, video arcades, and yes had bed jumping contests in our hotel room.
To find a soul so like your own can be scary some days, hold on to those friends.

On the way to Ft. Collins, Jim called me to see what I was up to. What followed was an enormous opportunity for youth in the area. Next weekend is the Matthew Shepard foundation's "Bear to Make a Difference" Dinner in Denver, CO. Jim found out that there was a scholarship available for youth 15-20 who submitted an essay on "What Embracing Diversity means to you." There were a limited number of scholarships available, but soon after I submitted my essay I received an e-mail stating that I have been selected to attend for the 5th Annual Bear to Make a Difference Dinner and Celebrity Teddy Bear Auction. So next weekend I will find myself in Denver, again at what hopes to be an amazing evening. The dress code for the evening is black-tie optional and instead of wearing a formal dress I might be looking into renting a tux for the evening :)
I wouldn't give any of it up for second try, growing into ourselves is the greatest time of our lives. It will be hard, but there are days that make up for the rest of them.



On a more solemn note, back in February I lost a good friend of mine that lived in Jackson. I received the news on a Sunday that Travis had been found dead by his mom in his bedroom. Travis was one of my dear friends and my best friend Sarah's boyfriend. He had taught me how to skateboard, and introduced me to Tool. When Sarah figured she had no other options except to runaway in the 8th grade she stole away to Travis's house in Jackson for about a week and half, and I went with her. Travis was one of the most caring, easy-going guys I've known. In 2003 Travis was diagnosed with HIV. It was the most difficult thing for him to swallow. Shortly there after I lost contact with him as did most other people. Last December the HIV had developed into full blown AIDS, Travis couldn't handle it and took his own life. This though is to the Travis I knew, to the inventor of the sign GAME CROSSING game (Parcheesi, and Sorry), to sneaking into movies and love a of snowboarding, who taught me to play Grand Theft Auto, and how to unlock all of the secret codes in Tony Hawk's Skateboarding. To contemplating why the stars really existed (to be full of beauty on dark nights when you cannot find yourself) To the guy full of love.
“Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life” ~The Fray

Excerpts From Traveling to the Heartland.

1/3/06 7:24 a.m. Central Time

We are rolling into Hastings, NE, and the sun is just now rising. Hastings seems bigger than I would have imagined, but still familiar, local, and rural. The stop here for the train is brief and on our way out of town we pass a pharmacy and cafe that look like they could have been a still frame from the '70's. It made me smile for some reason like a piece of life frozen in time. We ride past early morning traffic cruising along side of the train, trying to avoid the chill of the frozen dew that is covering everything here in Nebraska this morning.
As the sun rises it reveals fog and haze covering crops and fields that stretch out flat for miles on end. The sky has a grey orange tint to it that makes it look ominous if it wasn’t for the florescent pink and orange clouds scattering the horizon.
If a person could tell how the day would go from sunrises, most days would be heart-breakingly beautiful. They would be days that unfold and envelope with colors that seem new and rare, and will happen only this once just for you, a day that holds nothing but hope and promise. A sky like this one with its brush stroke colors of yellow, pink, orange, and red; trailed across an indescribable blue with wisps of a grey-purple could offer you the world and you would take it without questions or reasons. But unfortunately as the sky slowly fades into the background of dead silhouetted rows of trees, I remember that this is just another day, and I remember where I am headed and why I am on this train.
But maybe we should let the sky foretell our day. After all who would know better how the days is going to go besides the force that brings your days around.



Well the sun rose with so many colors
It nearly broke my heart
And worked me over like a work of art
And I was a part of all that

So go ahead, push your luck
Say what it is you've got to say to me
We will push on into that mystery
And it'll push right back
And there are worse things than that

'Cause for every price
And every penance that I could think of
It's better to have fallen in love
Than never to have fallen at all

'Cause when you live in a world
Well it gets in to who you thought you'd be
And now I laugh at how the world changed me
I think life chose me after all
- Dar Williams, After All

WOOOO!!! CLASSES!!!

I have now gone to all of my classes except one which only meets Thursday evenings. I may be the biggest dork in the world for saying this but I am so excited to be back in school. My theater classes are going to be awesome, you know it is going to be a good class when the teacher lectures that his goal for the semester is to offend everyone in the class at least once. My history professor is sort of monotone, so Ainsley, Jessi, and myself have promised to poke each other in class to make sure we are not elsewhere. English eventhough it is at 8:10 in the morning should be good, the teacher is seems really good, and hopefully my grammer and writing technique will improve greatly. Hopefully my Women Studies course is not to overwhelming on Thursday.

As you probably figured since have been to my classes I made it back from Chicago. I made it back all in one piece, but the FAFSA still isn't signed. All of the information has been filled out and sent in, but instead of printing out the signature paper and mailing it in, they sent out for a PIN and now have to wait until that comes back in the mail. We will see how that goes.
Wicked was amazing. I can't even begin to describe the play. The energy from the time I stepped into the theater, was a full buzz of excitment from everyone there. While standing outside the theater in line, a guy came up to me and asked if I would be able to take a picture of him and his friends. Of course I said yes, took the picture and went back to standing in line, and the next thing I know is the same guy is walking back to me. He just gives me a hug and goes back inside. Random hugs are great.

Three Years...too short...or too long?

My train leaves Unoin Station in Denver for Chicago in about 7 hrs and 10 minutes. I am all packed, have my outfit for Wicked, I thought about taking my suit to wear but decided that might not be the best idea or way to handle the situation. My train survival kit from Ainsley and Lauren has been rearranged into my backpack. I am having to remind myself to breathe. I am terrified to see my mom again because a part of me still wants her love and acceptance, I know its almost not worth it but she is still my mom. I realized today that I haven't seen her in three years.

Bah, yes the Sock God has spoken

Having not been in classes this past semester, I was bored most of the time and very unhappy at my job, but now being registered for full-time classes next semester, I am beginning to worry that I am not going to have what it takes for school, but of course this is all nervous apprehension.

Oh yeah, yes you heard me right up there, I am now registered for Spring courses. As Linus said I had to put my mom into a head lock and punch her in the ear until she filled out the FAFSA. That and I threatened to not come and see her unless she did, yes I resorted to blackmail, and actually no I don't feel all that bad about it. Now I am just worried that for some reason financial aid won't go through and I will have to drop all of my classes.
Right now I am registered for 15 credit hours:
ENGL 1010
HIST 1211 U.S. to 1865
THEA 1000 Into to Theater
THEA 1100 Beginning Acting
WMST 4500 Queer Theory ( Tessa you are going to be my saving grace in this right? right!?)


Yet again, it is that time of year to remember and try to memorialize the past year. I am not sure if I really want to. Don't get me wrong the past year has been great, I have grown more into who I am, becoming my own person and able to stand up to my parents to an extent. Except that when my dad quit his job back in the middle of Nov. I don't have the guts to tell him to grow up and take responsibility for himself instead I pay for dinner when we go out. I still cower under the pressure of my mom. I have made some new great friends, finally decided that I am going to declare as a theater major emphasis in lighting and a minor in creative writing. I Spent six months listening to New Yorkers yell about cable, and could probably reboot any cable box to try and stop it from freezing. Learned to live with 5 other people in one house. But what have I really learned? I can't say for sure because it is lying within the depths of my heart, but I have learned to love, if anything else love. So into the next year I will take with me love, of myself and you all. I will take the knowledge that great things can come from the smallest actions and the memories I have shared with everyone.

Have a safe New Year's eve, and if I don't talk to you until next year have a great beginning of the year.
Love always,
Squid


Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
and call me on and on across the universe.
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box,
They stumble blindly as they make their way across the universe.
Jai guru deva om.

Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world,
(Across The Universe by, Rufus Wainwright)

"Thank you for calling Time Warner Cable."

"My name is Brittany, I do apologize but my system is currently down. If you have any general or basic questions I'd be more than happy to address those, but if not I would advise you to call back with in 15-20 minutes."

Sitting at work, the system has crashed again and not just mine most of the center's has. So the call queue(sp?) is low and I am bored out of my mind. There are probably many other things I should be doing like learning how to bundle Aol and RoadRunner together, or writing poetry for the next slam on Dec. 9th, but instead I am writing on here.

Weekends tend to blur together with little sleep and overloading on socialization. The last slam on Nov. 18th went well, met new friends and took second over all. The night was filled with nervous tension, from competeing in the slam to falling head over heals on a crush that would be leaving in 3 days. Drunk wrestling leaves the body sore and bruised in really random places, then of course there is the photo graphic evidence of said wrestling that is embarassing as well.

Thanksgiving weekend was a nice relaxing break. I had Flock Hall all to myself for about 4 days, I spent Turkey dinner with my friend Jes and her family, stuffing ourselves with turkey, sweet potatoes, homemade bread, and too much video gaming. I have since become addicted to The L Word and am trying to make it through season 2 now with Jes before the premier of season 3 on Jan. 8th. Saturday night I found myself in a formal dress, high heels, makeup, and my hair curled(all by myself I might add, you would have been proud of my hair Gina) for Phantom of the Opera in Denver. The show was absoultly amazing, from the costumes to the performance, to the stage work, lighting, pyro-technics, and ahh just the theater! We spent the night in Denver and Sunday ended up spending the night down there again eventhough we could have made it home Sunday night we didn't want to take the risk. Sunday night we saw Rent with was really good and I ended up crying basically the last half of the movie.

Its official I am going to see "Wicked" orchestra sitting row F middle in Chicago, in January. That is how I am thinking of the trip that I am going to visit my mom in January, it is not really to visit or see her, it is to see "Wicked". My mom bought me tickets(train tickets) to go see her the 2nd-9th, should be great fun. Aidan, my step-father is currently trying to start a real estate business or something like that, and my mom is making candles for a living, along with trying to catch Aidan cheating on her with his secretary or so she says. But I'll be defiying gravity.
"It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!"


Today is World Aids Day. Today Laramie has what is called Dine out For Life day. Where restaurants in town donate a portion of their proceeds to help Wyoming residents living with HIV/AIDS and their families. These proceeds along with funds raised from the WyoAids walk in April help pay for medical needs for these families. I am sure that Dine Out For Life is not only happening here, so I urge you to get out today, find a restaurant that is donating some of their proceeds and treat yourself to a wonderful dinner, for a good cause! If you can't go out and eat then take a moment for those living with HIV/AIDS and maybe just take a moment of silence, get tested, educate yourself or friends, or take action and get involved with a group in your area dedicated to helping those living with HIV/AIDS.

Rubrics For Life:

Late nights lead to.....even more late nights....and even longer days.

"God, there is only seven weeks left."
I didn't mean to looked pissed off, sad that the group..I...we have to deal with another departing of tea, folk, and....learning to live life.

Was it just me or did you hold your gaze just a moment longer so we could lock eyes? Probably just me as usual.
"She only drinks coffe at midnight, When the moment is not right Her timing is quite, unusual"

"That's great mom, instead of paying for my schooling you'll send me a present to make up for it," I say as I pick up the box that came in the mail for me. It is better than that though; they are in fact mess ups of the candle business she is now in, so not only is it a present to make up for not paying for schooling it is a broken present. A broken present to go with the vile guilt you gave to eat away at me.

Now remember what we learned last week, class, what is the one thing you do not say during the awkward moment of the evening when you are suppose to lean in and kiss her?
Doo Dee Doo Waffels

"We will kick them in the shins then they will have to give you money."

"Either that or they will throw us in jail." Great

Friday's are still days to be on campus but now the purpose for being on campus on Fridays are a bit different for the past two weeks I have been battling the great fortress known as financial aid. Ok, so it really has been longer than that, but the search for money has been kicked into high gear recently. At the beginning of the semester I went to talk to the student attorney in Knight Hall, no real luck there except we found out that there are in fact exceptions to the rule only to be granted by the Dean of Financial Aid at the school. So I gather up my tax return from this year that clearly states I file as an independent, and my parents don't claim me, think that would be enough? Nope, Financial Aid tells me that first of all they only file probably 4 appeals for independent status a year, and secondly I have to be in an extenuating circumstance; such as proving with documentation physical or mental abuse, or basically the parents have to be in jail. Next step: look into emancipation, I fully qualify for it and the easiest way to get that done would be to ask both of parents just to sign the forms basically..... Right....asking my mom for emancipation this one is going to be easy, she had an emotional breakdown over the phone, and asked me why I hated her, didn't love her, and why I was trying to destroy the family. I didn't know how to respond, and I don't have the heart to hang up on her so when she was done I said goodbye and haven't brought it up since. But that is ok I found later that night by doing some research emancipation does not guarantee independent status anyways.

"For example, a child does not automatically become a ward of the court upon being incarcerated. Likewise, emancipation does not make a student a ward of the court. Neither incarceration nor emancipation of the student is sufficient on its own to make the student independent.

Emancipation occurs when the child is no longer under the legal authority and control of another. This can occur when the child reaches the age of majority, marries, enters military service, is fully self-supporting or by court order. An emancipated child is legally an adult. Since a child who reaches the age of majority can still be considered a dependent for financial aid purposes (and self-supporting is insufficient grounds for independent student status ever since the Bright-Line test was abolished in 1992), emancipation by court order is no different. The Higher Education Act specifies who is considered a dependent for financial aid purposes, and does not include an exception for emancipation. (Emancipation is defined by state law, and as such cannot overrule Federal law.) So even though an emancipated child no longer receives financial support from his or her parents, the parents are still obligated to complete the FAFSA form. However, the circumstances that lead a court to grant an emancipation petition might themselves be sufficient grounds for a dependency override. (Note that some states (e.g., Colorado) may allow emancipation as an alternative to age requirements for eligibility for in-state tuition. So emancipation can have an impact on state aid, but not on federal aid.)"
http://www.finaid.org/educators/pj/wardofthecourt.phtml

So I am kinda stuck at square one, I just need to find someone to marry, have a kid, or join the military. None of those options are overly appealing though. Maybe I will follow Tessa's advice find scholarships for culinary school and do what I want to do. I am getting pressure from my dad now to get back into school, but what is he doing to help? Not much, besides thinking of quitting Shari's and moving to New Mexico.

Never mind that though on to happier things. It is true fall has official come to stay; at least until the snow comes to stay. There is something so old and wonderful when walking home at night through dead lives. The smell of damp old earth and the sweet crispness of the leaves lead you to believe on silent nights that the fairies are still out being mischievous.

Punk Rock, Disco, and Brechtian Punk Cabaret...

Will leave me brusied, exhausted, and happy. I have gotten roughly 9 hours of sleep since Sunday morning from a late night of too much coffee, but excellent conversation. I only slept an hour and went to work at 8 o'clock in the morning on Monday. Monday night the Fat Wreck Chords tour came through, yes, Laramie, WY!! w00t! The show had an amazing lineup - Smoke or Fire, The Epoxies, The Soviettes, and Against Me! I currently have a bruise under my left eye, my shins are black and blue, but being able to say I lost my glasses in the mosh pit, found them and did not break them makes up for it by quite a bit. Punk Rock is not necessarily about the music, not understanding half of the words, its about the scene, trying to give a damn without really giving a damn, about being able to connect with everyone at the concert on some higher plane for the duration of the show. It is about collective feeling.

Last night was an extreme change from Punk to 70's disco on roller skates. My knee is about twice its normal size because Squids really shouldn't be on rolly thingies, and it doesn't help when your friends find the ticklish spot. Instead of going to bed, like any normal person, afterward, we ate food at 2:00 in the morning, I stayed up and tried to watch a movie. Haven't had the opportunity to shut off my brain, and so I numb it with sensless entertainment.

And tonight was suppose to be another concert this time in Boulder. The Dresden Dolls are playing a show and if you have never heard of the you should definitely go check them out. But it seems that since I won't sleep with one of the people going, I make him uncomfortable. Even though we decided to be friends and were completely cool last time I saw him. Oh, well I should really use the time to sleep, but who needs it when so much caffine abounds and I can sleep when I am dead.

Poetry Slam this weekend, possibly another night of Static, and of course work (why did I decide to pick up OT this weekend when I am already exhausted?) Because I am the crazy person, it must be true. I even have a t-shirt that says it "Hooray that crazy person is here."

What Can I Say I Have No Excuse.

I could go on to say as Linus suggested that I am a punkass and this will never happen again, but in all honesty it probably will, sorry guys.

One exciting thing that has happend recently is that my hair is no longer a natural color, yipee!! Saturday of Labor Day weekend, 5 of us pilled in Linus' car with four bottles of hair dye, a bleach kit, and hungry stomachs for Thai food. Linus, Mark, Tessa, Gina, and myself met Rachel and her sister, Anne, at the Thai Pepper for some much needed ethnic food. From there we wondered around 3 blocks of Ft. Collins and then took off to Rachel's house in Loveland for yet another grand hair dying adventure. While at dinner I had still not decided on how exactly I was going to dye my hair so Linus said," Fuck it, we are just going to blind fold you and you'll have deal with what we do to your hair." Everyone else liked the idea and well I don't care really so long as it has some color to it. They even had a secret meeting and this is what came from it enjoy :)

I have been trying to adjust and tell myself that it is really ok that I am not taking classes this semester. I am getting into the rythm of getting up every morning at 6:30 and am learning to talk back to angry New Yorkers, who call me yelling "Why is my cable turned off?!!" I figure at the rate I am making money I should be able to save enough by December to go back to school in the spring although, I might just work for an entire year so I have enough money saved to go to school for a complete year.

Fridays are my days to pretend that I am still a student on campus. I spend part of the mornings in the RRC, and let me tell you it is just not the same without Abra and Christin being there, no donughts for diversity, but it is someplace familar to go. I take my backpack with only my notebook and whatever novel I am reading for the week to the 3rd and 4th floors of Coe Library, somehow feeling like I am in enemy terriotry or that I am a traitor. I browse the shelves, pulling books from random and taking them to a desk and try to learn from them what I can in 2hrs or so. I haven't absorbed much in the two Fridays so far. Lunch is usually spent with who ever I happen upon in the Union which can somedays be a lot of people, and my afternoons are usually spent in whatever computer lab Tessa is working in for a while. I do however have an appointment with the student attorney on Friday to discuss my issue with financial aid, see if there is absolutly anyway around the stupid dependent rules because I have come to the conclusion that I cannot be the only person in this predicament.

At first I think no one is home and then I see you walking to answer the door, eyes glazed and groggy with sleep, hair touseld from the nap I just woke you from. You open the door, smile at me, my heart catches in my throat, at least that is what I think it is because for the moment I feel I can't breathe and the rushing of the blood in my ears is almost to loud to hear over. You ask me what is up. And for a second I forget what I came for... ... oh yeah, your heart.

I have found some new friends that I have been hanging out with a lot more. Not that I don't love the friends I have now, but is nice to have time with other friends since most of us live in the same house now, Flock Hall. We shall calll my new found friends "The Sarah's" because well, that is what we call them. There are two Sarah's and they live in the same house and usually have people over at their house, there is always something going on. Thursdays have become supper nights with them and all of our friends. I am still the youngest of that group but they are all closer to my age so it is not to bad ;) We hang out listen to hippie music like Phish and Modest Mouse, and discuss philosophy sometimes over the occasional bottle of whiskey shared between about 7 of us or some hope.

For now life goes on pretty much as it always has, one day at a time with time always trying to steal the day away, but it is the sunsets and crisp air of autumn that is around the corner in the mornings that are semi-grey on my way to work that are making it. It is the smiles and sincere words from friends that come unexpected that steal my day back away from time for a while.

"Yes sir, the cable box has to be plugged in....yes, to an electrical outlet...and the power turned on in order for you to watch the tennis match sir....no sir if it just ejected something, that would be your VCR...no I don't know where they would have installed your cable box."

Friend.

Main Entry: ¹friend
Pronunciation: 'frend
Function: noun
1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem b : ACQUAINTANCE
2 a : one that is not hostile b : one that is of the same nation, party, or group
3 : one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)
4 : a favored companion
- be friends with : to have a friendship or friendly relationship with
- make friends with : to establish a friendship or friendly relations with
* from Merriam-Webster Online http://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/dictionary?book=Dictionary&va=friend&x=0&y=0

And a 6 letter word that breaks my heart every time.

Any time I try to tell some one I like them more just a friend and would like to see the relationship evolve into something more this is the response I usually get: "I think we should just be friends." "I like you too much as a friend." "You're kinda like a little sister to me.", or the fun "You're one of the guys Brittany I couldn't date you, it would just be weird." Hey, just what I need another friend, right? Maybe I should look at the fact that maybe they do just need a friend to hang out with, that I should take good friends as a compliment. There will be others as everyone says, my one is still out there somewhere, I guess. But it still doesn't make the hurt any less, or make me feel that I will always only be a friend and am not worthy of anything more....but being a friend is better than nothing, right? Friendship has it's perks, and maybe they can introduce me to one of there friends and who knows they might turn out to be more than a friend.

So that's it for now, just friends, you and me, I guess.

Can it be true summer is already half way gone?

Punk rock shows...Christian music festivals...Open container days...random house parties. This what my weeks have been filled with for the most part so far. Along with working my ass off at two jobs, but not anymore :D!!!!!

About a week and a half ago I was hired at StarTek, which means after training I will working full-time and benefited, doubly w00t! Last night I also walked into the Overland and basically told them to go to shove there heads up something that wasn't there own ass...ok, maybe not really, but I did quit. I got sick of none of the other dishwashers doing their job, getting semi-accused of stealing random shit ( why would I take the egg slicer?), but the thing that pushed me over the edge was being accused of underaged drinking in the kitchen with everyone else when in fact I wasn't drinking at all that night. The other undergaed person who was drinking and myself were told we had to right a letter of apology to the owner for our behavior explaining our actions, and saying sorry...because he treats us well and pays us good (bullshit...oh did I say that?) so I walked in last night an hour before my shift and told them I wasn't working that night or ever again.

I now live with 5 other roomates...and I serioudly need to build a loft one of these days. Even though I live with them it feels like I hardly spend time with or see them any more because we are always around each other but we don't "hang out" like we use to. That's ok though momst of us are still trying to fit into a routine of somekind. This past weekend was spent in South Dakota at a two day music festival, I could bore you all with detials, but I'll just say I was at the front on the gate for Jars of Clay which made my month!

In less than a month I am goin to be in another wedding.., crap can it really be that soon? I should probably try on the dress tonight to make sure it fits. I am really more excited for after the wedding becuase then I will be able to dye my hair with the dye I bought close to a month ago or over, and maybe even punch more holes into me as well.

"guess there's something wrong with me
guess i don't fit in
no one wants to touch it
no one knows where to begin
i've got more than one membership
to more than one club
and i owe my life
to the people that i love
...
some days the line i walk
turns out to be straight
other days the line tends to
deviate
i've got no criteria for sex or race
i just want to hear your voice
i just want to see your face" ~Ani DiFranco, In or Out

Go West Young Nerd

We salute our Locutus of Blog, Abra, as she joins the ranks of the graduated and begins her life in Seattle. We send her off with open hearts and our warmest of wishes. Take luck and enjoy your adventures, NerdyGirl, but remember we are only a blog post away.

I will miss our beloved NerdyGirl along with everyone else here I am sure. Don't drown out there in the rain, and as a good friend once told me, never lose your spice..it makes you who you are. I love you very much and will miss you dearly, keep us updated on your new adventures out west.

The Game That Everyone s Playing.

Here are The Official Interview Game Rules:
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Questions from Linus:
1) If not a squid, then what? Hmmm, if not a squid...then I think I would have to go with either a squirrel because well they are kinda crazy too, and in some weird way adorably cute at least in my world; either that or maybe changing completely and going to bobcat or p-homie.

2) It's time for you to get a tattoo. Choose only one of the following, and explain your choice.
a) Wookie wearing a spidergag
b) Ewok in asschaps
c) A nude of Benji Madden with a nail through his penis
Wow, this is a difficult one, I do believe I have to go with the Ewok in ass chaps for a couple of reasons. One is Ewoks are much cuter than Wookies and there ain't no way in hell anything to do with Good Charlotte will ever be on my body. An Ewok in asschaps will be much less scarring and can be explained more easily than a wookie with a spider-gag, I would have nightmares for the rest of my life if that was on my body, and secretly I always wanted an Ewok as a pet as a little kid.

3) The Pope outlaws Punk. What do you do?
DAMN THE MAN!!!! First I would denounce anything to do with Catholicism, go shave my head into a mohawk and dye it, probably pierce lots of things and get a couple tattoos. Next I would devote my time to creating a time machine and travel back to the height of punk at its best in the 70's and early 80's. I would slowly but surely create a large follow of punks and then go to Italy stake out the Vatican and when the changing of the guards is in motion attack silently and swiftly (yes we have had plenty of training to take out the Swiss Guards, we have been training for at least months if not years). We as a group of Punks over throw the Vatican as a high power and institute the new idea of free thought and expression. yeah! Damn The Man!

4) You want fried rice for breakfast, but have neither rice nor soy sauce. Explain how you make it anyway. mmmmm fried rice....crap what do you mean no rice or soy sauce!!! This defiantlytly a plot to keep the squid at bay or at least grumpy because breakfast with out fried rice is to sad to go on. After a small minor break down for the crisis of the problem I look around the kitchen and find in the back of my cupboard I have orzo, now comes the tricky part I think I would have to make a mixture of balsamic vinegar, a touch of seasme seeds (for good luck) and throw in some salt. Fry that up together and throw on some allspice (because according to my mom it fixes anything) and top it with diced ginger and hope for the best and that I don't get food poisoning.

5) Due to radiation, animals gain intelligence equal to humans and the ability to speak. What animal do you want to speak to most?
I have to pick just one huh? I would almost want to talk squirrelslls because you know they see a lot just hanging around town all day. See how fun it would be to besquirrelell and all that fun stuff that way you can build up good relations with them and maybe if I talked to them nice enough I can get THE 'rang back that I am sure they are still worshipping over in the soccer practice fields, and then maybe even use them and a message service and possibly spy capabilities. Oh yeah! tsquirrelslls are my friends!!



In the past week there has been many trips made to Ft. Collins, well, at least for me. Last Friday the flock gathered and we decided all the food sucked in Laramie and road tripped down to Ft. Collins for buffet pizza at Woody's which was fantabulous. For much more detailed account you should go check out Ryan at The Leash. After dinner we decided to go check out a tattoo and parlor shop mainly for hair dye for me, but once we got their Linus and I were both josning to punch more holes into our bodies but resisted to. Mainly it was because that I had no money that I really could spend and I wasn't sure what I wanted to pierce(no it had nothing to do with Tessa not approving because the one thing she would disapprove of would be something I would never get pierced anyways) and so by tpersuasionion of Abra and Mandy and the other factors I walked away with just the hair dye. I ended up getting Atomic Pink and Fishbowl Blue by Special Effects and want to something close to this:

Hair dye option 1

Option2
With both pictures the green would be pink and the blue a more turquoiseise, but this still wouldn't be until after the wedding I am in in August so it will be a while for me to decide. Speaking of the wedding that I am going to be in Tessa and I and the other bridesmaid went down to Ft. Collins yesterday and bought the dresses, and here is a picture for all of you who I tried to describe it to last night and did a horrible job. The dress. And hopefully tonight I will be going back and eating tasty Ethiopian food, granted I have never had it and have no clue really if it is tasty or not, oh well.

Bits and Pieces

Where You Don't Belong
You lay
On my kitchen floor
With no shirt on
Your fevered cheek
Resting for a moment
Against the cool
Linoleum
It was white
With squares
The same deep brown
As your eyes
And I knew
That no matter
What I did
I could never lift you
Up off that floor
So I turned the house
Upside down
And you fell onto the ceiling
Where you belong
~B.A.S.

Intersections
"Get saved now, ask me how!",
her bumper sticker exclaimed as we waited
at a busy intersection for the light to change.
"...Ask ME how!"
And I considered hopping out and
following her suggestion and wondered how she would react upon
seeing me tapping insistently on her tightly locked car door,
the traffic whizzing by,
her shopping bags lying on the backseat.
~B.A.S.

Fried Rice For Breakfast

You know in about anywhere from 6th grade to 9th(ours was in 9th grade) the project you had to do for the class about "How to" and giving directions and what not? Most kids, in my class anyways, did things along the lines of how to tack a horse, how to shoot an arrow, how to golf, how to sew, how to pray; yes that last one was actually a presentation but the girl got about 5 lines into her showing and the teacher put a stop to it, man did that cause an uproar from parents. My presentation in my infinte genius was "How To Make Fried Rice" I had to do almost all of the prep work at home because we couldn't bring knives to school even for a presentation such as this, so I took them through step by step: first you will want to dice all of your veggies in about this size(showing them the green peppers and onions I had cut up), Scramble the eggs, which I had also done at home as well to save time in the class because we had a 15 minute time limit. After we had gone through all the prep work I heated up the electric skillet that I had borrowed, drizzled in about 1/2 a tablespoon of oil for mosture in the rice, adidng the rice with the soy sauce, smells flooding the class room, garlic and onions sauting. After everything was done cooking I served up a bowl for everyone in the room and told them the history behind fried rice itself, that it was actually a breakfast food in most oriental countries especially Japan, you take all of the left overs basically and fry them up together with rice and you have breakfast.

As I took the leftovers from last night's Chinese expedition and fried them up the smells flooding the Travis's small kicthen, this memory came violently back to me. Especially at break during school when I handed the electric skillet back over to Kathleen and told her that I had gotten an A on the project, she smiled at me and said "I am so proud of you." No big deal meant out of it, but to me that meant the world those simple words from her. I had forgotten how deeply shaken smells, with memories attached to them can rock you, until this morning.



Memories