Sunday, May 28, 2006

And It's Here Without a Warning

In the time span of not even a month summer has hit full force. Here in Wyoming it seems like we have no gradual change in temperature from freezing to scorching. One day you think spring might be around the corner, and Mother Nature laughs at you and dumps a good four inches of snow on you that night. But it is certain now that summer is here and won't be going away for a while. Hopefully. While growing up one year it did snow on the Fourth of July while watching the fire works, it was quite bizarre and surreal as I recall.

Summer comes in with shorts and tank tops, bike riding and trying to find activities to fill the empty space between work and bed. My summer so far has been mainly filled with moving into my new apartment with my new roommate, and all of the chaos that usually goes with it. Realizing we don’t have things like tape or band-aids at the wrong time. Deciding on shelving and do we really need a (some sort of kitchen device) now? Well, not really, but it is cool and cheap right now. And of course assembling said shelving at 11:30 at night, yes, I am sure our neighbors love us. My days are spent normally sleeping in, then catching the University bus into work, staring at a computer screen for about 4 hours, riding the bus back home, cooking, watching TV, and then heading to bed. I have come to the conclusion that I am going to run out of books to read by the end of summer, so if any of you guys have suggestions let me know. I have already read four books since the end of school.

I am not really a creature of habit; I love spontaneity and having something new and different to experience. So, this summer has felt like the days are dragging on like emulsified honey that has sat in the cupboard and crystallized. Recently my nights have found me sitting on rooftops debating life, and forming some kind of jam session while people on the street pass by and must think we are crazy. Finding out that not all situations change as much as you had first thought they had. Every now and then it hits me like a sting of lemon juice in a paper cut that things have changed and along with that memories and experiences flood my thoughts. Calling up a feeling of emptiness and wondering if moving on and finding more connections will help fill that void. Instead I will take it a day at a time and remember that life seems it always has a surprise up her sleeve around the corner.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Will You Take Action?

Congress will vote on the discriminatory Federal Marriage Amendment as early as June. Your members of Congress need to hear from you!

Yes! I oppose discrimination in the Constitution

If you believe that the Federal Marriage Amendment is wrong please go to the HRC website and let your Senator's and Represenatives know. Tell them to vote no.

Monday, May 15, 2006

What I learned from this semester??

I am a worrier, I worry about everything, anything, and things that don't even concern me. I worry that I might be losing everything. I worry that somehow I've lost my rhythm.
I have heard many people tell me that I can write. I can't not really I have no points to make I just blabber on and on so when they tell me this I just shake my head. I don't know what good writing is. I'm no Emerson, Robert Frost. I'm no Shakespeare. Those people were great and knew how to connect with audiences.

In high school I was the dissident who roamed the halls, who tapped magazine clippings to her locker in a vain attempt to change the world. Who was I kidding, some how trying to raise awareness in a place no one really looks.
I told you, I'm losing everything. I'm losing them to their bullshit. I'm losing her to the pain. I'm losing me to something I can't even find.
And maybe that's the problem. I can't find it. I can't reach it. I can't quite get there. Only I'm stretching my arm until it hurts. It hurts.

The end of this semester leaves me feeling like a vase that has been shattered into a thousand pieces and meticulosly glued back together. At a quick glance no one can tell I've been broken, but after further examination you can see the little cracks, and don't fill me up with water out of fear that somehow it will leak through. I have come to the conclusion that growing up has nothing to do with hitting puberty or life experiences but rather at which point you determine your own assests.

Growing up also has to do with connections, everyday we come into contact with people. Severing connections is one of the most painful things I have to do. To know that a connection was there that now can no longer be, hurts more than diving head first into saltwater with a thousand wounds. Some days it feel like there isn't enough oxygen in the water I've been breathing. Is it even worth making connections anymore with others? With joy comes pain, because it is said that without pain we cannot truly understand and feel joy. So I could avoid pain but never really know joy? I don't think so, I don't want to believe that is true, I want to belive that we have a reason for the connections we make in our daily lives, with the friendships we forge. I sit in air conditioned rooms with boxes of words all around me. I can't stand sitting there most days because I can't move to see things better. To see people better.

It's scary to not be able to run away from yourself. In the dream you can run away from the monster, but I can't run away from myself. I can't get out of my own head. I grab my backpack and heave my black burden on my shoulders. It is my life. Those are my books. It is my backpack and I am stuffed inside, scratching at the zipper. And this is all just simple pages on my mind, nothing to take to heart.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006


It seems that spring brings changes of different madnitudes each year. A time of rebirth, moving on, finishing up the year in academia. Friends graduate and move on with their lives and I will be moving on with mine into a new apartment. Can we remember to breath when the world seems spinning to fast to hold on to this time? Sunday mornings spent over breakfast warm my heart and give me hope that not all friendships die.

I've fogged up the windows again,
shooting my mouth off
and laughing a little too loud.
I promise to not keep you awake
if you promise to not kick me out.
The conditions are new
and I'm unsure of where I stand.
I promise not to get hurt,
if you promise not to keep picking me up at 3 am,
if you promise not to tell me things I don't need to know.
I promise to keep my distance
staying on my side of the fence
as long as you don't jump the pickets.