Shoestrings of Death

I hate shoestrings nowadays. None of the really cool ones are long enough for normal shoes anymore. I received an awesome pair of Gir (Yay! Gir!) shoelaces for Christmas-ish kinda. Anyways I wear wide vans skate shoes, after the horrible struggle of getting them laced; I come to find that they are not even long enough to tie! Apparently this is the next step in American laziness. ‘Parently they are made wide so they don’t loosen your shoes, but you still don’t have to tie them. I think this is retarded, I want to tie my damn shoes! I know I could go back to my old shoelaces which worked just fine, but damn it, I like my new Gir ones, well only if they would tie.

The hair has changed once again!! Yay no more horrible roots or weird peach orange hair. Once I get access to a digital camera or phone with half-way decent picture taking I will hopefully be able to show you all.

I played with table saws and a screwdriver today w00t!

Ooohh and for all of you web-comic fans out there…I know your there it’s okay. I have found a teh awesome website that has a large selection of alcoholic beverages based on various web-comics. Some of them aren't really alcoholic beverages... but rather attempts at comedy. So ya know if it says cyanide or anti-freeze you really shouldn’t drink it, because you know, ya might die! But they are funny and awesome!

Enjoy!

The Dilliema

(bear with me on this post; yes it will be a little rocky)

Basically boils down to: yes, I am a theater major, I am spastic, I like Indian food, I am a punk, I can cook, I have a huge heart and get my heart broken easily, I grew up in Small Town, Wyoming, I am a geek…..I like both girls and boys, I am queer. But the last line people tend to see as all someone is, and as stated is not true, that is one of the last things I want someone to know about me.

I have always struggled with this, and I think a lot of people in the queer community do as well. I am very involved in social change and making the world safer for everyone, I choose to focus my energy on the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered community. I am an activist. Sometimes, though, I feel that when we are out spoken, people see me as the queer activist and that is all, and that terrifies me. I am not sure why, probably because I worry way too much about my self-image and how others view me. When we do events, part of me is always asking, is this necessary? Are we just putting the spot light on ourselves again? And the other part of me is saying “yes!” if we don’t bring up these issues who will, when will it become comfortable to talk about freely? We’re not trying to get special treatment, we have no agenda, and we just want the same basic human rights as everyone else.

Last night we had a workshop between the gay community and Greek life. I was terrified, for several reasons. A.) What if they agreed to do this just because it looks good and they really do hate us? B.) What if they are really all cool, and view this as pointless and us trying create something there isn’t? C.) I talked to a friend about it, to see if they were going because I thought it would interest them because it involves their community, and I kind of got it thrown back in my face. “Yeah that’s just what we need another panel about it”, and basically said that it was pointless. It hurt, and got me to thinking about all of this. A lot of it boils down to perceptions and we talked about those last night. How we think each group is perceived by each other and the greater community. We found out that we have a lot of things in common actually. Both groups feel that we are invisible and have no real presence on campus. We are very involved in community service; we are both misperceived as having “loose morals”, no good values when it comes to hooking up and drinking. We started the workshop throwing out the idea that everyone kind of thinks of when we both think of each group: the gays are anti-Greek and the Greeks are anti-gay. It came down to breaking all of these misperceptions down, and stating that its ok to dialogue, and I think (I had to leave early), but I think we opened up some great lines of communication. The Greeks are good people, and we talked about how to make it more comfortable, more inviting for someone if they were gay or anything and wanted to rush for a house.

So….how do we balance the double edge sword, of being out and an activist, but not having that control our image and who we are? Does it matter if it is all for the greater good? Are we making a greater good by being loud? I don’t know, I know some people who are part of the queer community who do not do any sort of activism, they think we shouldn’t, we should just be able to co-exist in the world, but if we didn’t have the activism would we still be oppressed and looked down upon? Is it because they are afraid of everyone else’s perspective on them, or do they just not care. Does all boil down to apathy? And will that apathy destroy our humanity?

Currently Listening To: Namoli Brennet- We Belong
http://www.namolibrennet.com/index.cfm

Can't Breathe Properly

For the record I hate being sick, I feel whiny and complainy, have no energy, I feel like a pile of poo, and to top it all off breathing sucks because then I start coughing. Ok maybe not poo per say but you get the idea.

The date went well and I had a lot of fun. We have a rain -check for the movie portion, because at the time there were no great movies that either of us wanted to see. I was going to cash in the rain-check today or I should later this evening for the movie, but with being sick and all I probably won't. Blah.

It has been super cold here recently, and my apartment doesn't keep heat that well. I have a little heater down stairs in storage, but I haven't wanted to bust it out yet because well the heat I have now is free, and the heater would run on my electric bill. It might have to come to that though. For now though I think I am going to curl up under my covers, and I think Gremlins and nap is order, most definitely a nap.

50 minutes and counting:

Until what you ask? Well duh, until 6 P.M. silly goose. And now you are probably wondering what is happening at 6 P.M. this evening, well aren't you just nosy...fine if you insist on knowing I have a dinner date. I am nervous and excited and have been going AHHHH SQUEEE AHHHH WEEE AHHHH all afternoon. I always work myself up for nothing, and so to keep myself semi-calm I have done the dishes, changed my bed sheets, and am now posting a blog, fun huh? Tomorrow concludes the first week of classes, and I actually think this semester is going to be good. I am taking Stagecraft where they are letting me play with all sorts of fun things like table saws, hand saws, jigsaws, drills, metal grinders, drill presses, oo and the most fun are the staple and nail guns! hooray! Yes I promise not to kill myself or harm myself with any of them, and yes we are quizzed on safety before we get to play with them. I am also taking Historical Geology, Dramatic Lit II, and yet another acting class.

I am all moved into my new apartment, yes I have moved yet again. This time I am living alone in a gorgeous studio apartment. The Squidy is living on her own and I am loving every minute of it. Not that I regret living in Flock Hall or up on the hill with Jen I am just excited to be able to do whatever I want whenever I want and not have to worry (too much) about disturbing anybody else ( I do apparently have a cranky downstairs neighbor, so that means no parties at Squid's). I am by no means unpacked yet, but have a good chunk of it done, all I need now is a desk, a chair, maybe another book case, and maybe a love seat. I have a closet almost the size of the one I lived in Flock Hall it is fabulous!!!

I have become a sickly one, and I am very upset about this because damn it, it is the first week of school! and I have a date tonight! Thanks to Airborne and Decongestants, I am feeling better than I was this morning after a night of horrible dreams on NyQuil.

*breathes and gets ready to answer the door*

Happy Chrismahanuakwanzayulica

:D Hello all my dear hearts, I wanted to pause from the running around in Pinedale to take a moment to say I hope you are all doing great and the holidays are/were fabulous. I miss you all and have lots to tell, but for now a happy blessings goes out to all of you. I wanted to let all of you, my friends, know that I care for you deeply and am grateful you are in my life. You all have a place in my heart, and I know that we cannot all be together for the holidays, but you are my family and I wish you well. Now " 'parently" we are off to get ready for midnight mass and singing in the choir. Love you! Take care of yourselves and I promises stories to come.

~Squidly

J'ai manqué mes montagnes.

The four hour journey back home with a Ford Escort hatchback packed to where the two in the back seat couldn't move was a success. Mark, Tessa, Gina and I all made it safe and sound back to Pinedale. It feels odd to be here for some reason, I really don't consider it home anymore, yes my family is here, but even then they aren't my "true, blood" family, they are my family, but this is no longer home. This is not even the town I grew up in, which is true for most natural resource booming towns. Many buildings have been renovated or demolished and built over, many new buildings are up, business that I once worked in now no longer exist. I guess this is all apart of life. Change is the only constant, and is inevitable. We will see how the rest of the week goes here, I am meeting up with my high school buddies tomorrow night, a trip to Jackson on Friday, sledding with Aunts and Uncles on Saturday, then there is actually Christmas and church to attend. Sitting here thinking about it, I realize that I haven't been back since my god-mother's funeral almost two years ago, one of my best friends, my Sarah, growing up is living back here and I haven't seen her in close to four years. Maybe that is why I feel out of place, that and the fact that I have orange hair might have something to do with it.

...

My head hurts, my stomach hurts. What this means? The end of the semester is upon us.
I didn't mean for the words to hurt my friend, but they did. I can say I'm sorry a thousand times but it won't matter. I told you I didn't want to tell you, I told you didn't want to know. I know I was being stupid about it, that it was ridiculous, but still it was the way I felt, I'm sorry. Lately I've kind of felt like shit. I'm frustrated, and feeling disconnected from myself. Can we say yay! for the end of the semester? For now I will leave you with links because that is all I got.

http://piggymoo.com/futurama//?episode=01x01
All the Futurama you can stand for free on the internet!

http://caffeineweb.com/?p=15
Nasa's Findings on Caffeine

http://www.apple.com/trailers/picturehouse/panslabyrinth/trailer/
An Awesome looking movie

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4662636869909322164&sourceid=docidfeed&hl=en
From Russia With Love: A documentary on Tetris

http://www.giantmicrobes.com/us/products/ulcer.html
Your very own stuffed microbe

Guess What!!??

IT'S SNOWING!!!! It's snowing, It's snowing, oh oh, oh yeah its snowing!!! *does the happy dance around the computer lab* *happydance in the chair*
and has been since last night. :D Makes me a happy kid, for the most part.


I sometimes find it so intriging and frustrating at the same time that we have to have things so defined, in our lives, our relationships, our futures. A really good friend told me though that, "I would rather know where my limits are, then trip over them and lose everything." I have to agree. I am still pondering the answer to a question another friend asked me, why is history such a big deal, why does it play such a big role in relationships, why does it matter? That I have no answer too.

There is basically four weeks of classes left and then finals. Crap crap crappity crap!!! I have managed to do even more damage to my glasses then just have my lens fall out, I snapped the frame! Oh yay! So now they are being held together with super glue and wire, yes I realize how big of a dork this makes me. My friends in all of their graciousness though have started a collection for my birthday present to get me new glasses, any one want to contribute? I might be moving to another place in December it would be a little bit more expensive but it would be an actual house and much closer to campus. I want fuzzy blankets, hot coco, cuddles, Jim Henson movies, and flanel PJ's anyone want to join?

How did we get here?

The snow wasn’t here to stay; it usually isn’t in October anymore. It seems like it use to be when I was little. We would get a horrible snowstorm in October and the world would be covered in white until April at least. Not so much anymore. The last couple of days have been unusually warm and this catches me off guard. I want the world to be knee deep in snow, at least so I know what time of year it is, at least I know that truth.

Why do we, as humans need to have everything defined down to a pinpoint? Why do we put so much focus on communication, the need to be heard, the need to be understood, by someone, anyone? Why do we feel like we need to have a connection with others, to be close to others, the need to be with someone? I know we like things defined so there are not many questions involved, it is easier to understand this way, no grey matter. It makes our lives simplistic and that is what we strive for, simplicity. The need for connection comes from human nature, and that fact we as a species do not live well in seclusion. Some of us try to think that we are happier that way, but overall this does not work. We like talking to others, we like interacting.
A famous poet put it in more eloquent words than this, “No man is an Island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankind; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.”~ John Donne.
There are people who would disagree with this quote, but I wonder, why? I have focused on trying to connect with someone to feel what others feel in a relationship. I have realized that I give too much, I love too much, I care too much, for others. Some would say that this is a curse, and at times, I do too, but others say that this is also a gift. I wonder sometimes if there comes a breaking point, in which there is no more to give of oneself.
“Some where along the way my heart became yours without my permission.”
“some people wear their heart up on their sleeve
i wear mine underneath my right pant leg strapped to my boot
don't think cause i'm easy i'm naive
don't think i won't pull it out
don't think i won't shoot –Ani DiFranco, Out of Me
Sometimes I wish I could hide my heart better, but if I did, I wouldn’t be me.

I think now it is late enough and I am on too little sleep, and too much caffeine that I am rambling again. Nevertheless, I do have one more thing to say, I am getting better at accepting the fact that the only constant in life is change. We are constantly changing as people, if we stay stagnant and don’t move forward what better are we?

Escaping into Snow

Did you know that there is proof out there that not only birds sing love song to each other, but mice do too!

http://record.wustl.edu/news/page/normal/6087.html
http://mednews.wustl.edu/news/page/normal/6040.html

Turns out

Lab Mice sing love
songs like birds

at frequencies higher
than most wings
rise.

Does the caged mouse still sing?
Yes. Apparently.

Swamp Sparrow Songs
spun with long
pink tails

red beady eyes
longing wantonly

long yellow teeth
grinning lasciviously

singing triply
repeated phrases

"Hey you, woman."
"I’m over here!"

Cage GC78, Row 18
Aisle 242.
~B.A.S.


It seems as though the snow is officially here until next April. With the turning of the weather decay and death seems to be on my mind more often, and I find myself reminded that we are not invincible as we all might wish to be. It is about this time of the year that I begin to get restless, with the falling leaves comes my want to be somewhere else. Not somewhere that is necessarily warmer, just somewhere else. I have escaped with Anna to Fort Collins twice in the past week. We drove down last Wednesday night to eat at the Thai Pepper which was sort of in celebration of our one month, and our excuse last night was to look at Halloween costumes which took a detour to Indian food. I am worried about a lot of things right now, and kind of sad. We were talking last night over dinner about places we were going to go visit and I said “When I am in London in the spring…” and realized oh yeah, crap I am not going this spring. School is interesting this semester, but I have come to learn especially this month, that even if I am stressed just push through it and I’ll come out on the other side. So for now I am going to go push through mid-terms and I will see you all on the other side of next week.

May you find solace in the gentle arms of sleep
Despite the wolves outside your door
In time you will see them all as harmless
And their idle threats easy to ignore

And if ever fate should choose to smite you
Stand your ground, never walk away
Please don't ever let the world defeat you
Don't get buried in its decay

As you drift into the gauzy realm of dreams
May you take comfort in the thought that you are safe
For it only takes a fraction of a second
For all of this to change
Lullaby by: Assemblage 23

Because you let me dance with you.

Midterms are already here? How did that happen?
My weeks are blurring together again. Time is spent in a semi-coherent state trying to grab pieces of the world around me. I'm keeping up on school work which I have impressed myself with. For some reason that has now eluded me I agreed to work the 11pm-3am shift Sun-Wed this semester. So, I spend sleepless nights, surrounded by insomniacs, procrastinators, and foreign exchange students. I am also trying to steal moments of brilliance with her, which catches me on the wrong foot. I lose my footing with her in moments of staggering and breath taking beauty, the simple things I notice she always asks me to explain that I can’t quite put into words.
We have been dating for three weeks now, next Tuesday it will be exactly one month. She makes me smile. She loves my spastic-ness, sees through to who I am, and doesn’t let me hide behind my hats. She lets me cuddle with her while watching tv, and lets me take her on random drives to where she doesn’t know the final destination.

It has been an interesting semester so far. There has been a couple times where a few of us have wanted to hit pause and then restart from our last save point. October is now in full swing which means Spectrum is in full swing with queer awareness month. This week we have 2 events and then the homecoming parade and building the float. Next week we have Queer History Day and a singer/song writer Magdalen Hsu-Li coming in and performing. Honestly, I can’t wait for this month, to be over. We will get through it though, and it won’t be as bad as it seems right now. Remember to take time in heart stopping moments. Go and play in a pile of leaves or just crunch through them instead of staying on the sidewalk. I have found myself recently missing ones who I took for granted would be around for quite some time. Life is unexpected, that is what makes life great, but the uncertainty is also what reminds to live.

Because you are reading this.

I am a GEEK!!

I try not to let my geek side show too often. I try to be the somewhat ordinary, some what average looking person I, sometimes am. But every so often something comes along so freakin’ cool that the Geek has to be let out. Now I usually don’t rave about new game consoles coming out because honestly most days I would take the original NES or Super NES over the X-Box or Playstation any day, probably more so because I have always been a Nintendo girl at heart. But with the unknown release of possibly the coolest system since…ever drawing nearer I have been doing research. The Wii released by Nintendo will retail for no more than $250 but they are expecting it to sell for around $170 but of course there are no final words on the price yet. Now with the release of the Wii comes the release of one of my greatest heroes newest game…Zelda: Twilight Princess!!!

Now, I don’t know how much of my readers out there are gamers, I should probably expect all of them to be, but on the off chance that there are some people out there who have no clue about the Wii, which is honestly very sad for you, honestly. The controls on the system are amazing. It is a break from the everyday ordinary controller. It is a wireless, freehand controller.
“The Wii Remote frees you from cords and excessive, complicated buttons without sacrificing gameplay depth. The motion sensors contained within the Wii Remote and the Nunchuk controller add totally new interactions to existing games while opening doors for new genres. Wii makes your senses come alive!”
When I first heard that they were releasing Twilight Princess for Wii I imagined swinging the Wii controller as if it were actually the Master Sword. One of the first news releases stated that it wasn’t going to be and yes, I was kind of heart broken at the fact. But have no fear! It looks like Nintendo has made some tweaks to the controls for Twilight Princess Wii since E3. IGN is reporting that the biggest change to the controls is that now you will be swinging your Wiimote as if it were Link’s sword. I am super excited with this. It is who I have been dreaming about the Wii from the start. Nintendo had said in the past that they were worried gamers would get too tired playing a Zelda title like this, but it appears they have had a change of heart. Miyamoto himself is all for the new idea stating, “Upon actually playing it, it’s more interesting this way.”

See I am more than the well-adjusted, able to converse on mature subjects with you person than I seem to be. Just below this well polished surface is my alter-ego. This person is, well, the antithesis of cool, the last person you want to get stuck in a conversation with. This person is my geek. The Magic, Dugeons and Dragons, Pirates, playing geek; the comic book collecting, Monty Python quoting, obsessive science fiction movie and series watching geek!
I struggle on a daily basis to keep my inner geek quite and suppressed from the world, but as normal she wants out to talk to the other geeks. She wants to sit everyone down and make them watch Big Trouble in Little China, and the entire Series of Trigun and Cowboy Beebop. She wants to watch Blade Runner, again, A Clockwork Orange, again and again.
She wants to watch every behind the scenes special about the making of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy and then kick your ass at Lord of The Rings Trivial pursuit and Star Wars Trivial Pursuit. She wants her own light saber and Rebel X-Wing Class Fighter, and yes she wants to go out and buy a DeLorean and drive exactly 88 miles per hour!

But for now I will stuff her back away from the world. If you find, like me, your inner geek trying to get out, I have found an extremely geeky site on Spaceship dimensions. Every single science fiction ship you could possibly want to compare with any other one are on there. From Babylon 5 to Firefly, from Star Wars to Star Trek, it is there my friend go enjoy!

Isn't it time to go home yet?

Are you serious, I still have three hours of just sitting here? The slow creep of time today is like trying to pour crystallized honey out of the container. It might work but you are going to sit there waiting forever. Am I waiting for something? Maybe not today specifically, but in the greater sense of things yes. School starts in a week and a half, and I am waiting on issues with money. Waiting to see everyone and how their summers’ have been going. It seems like I am always waiting for something to drop, like there is this ominous ball of doom just up around the corner barely attached to where it is dangling from. For most of my life I have lived cautious and worried waiting for the next big bad news to topple over me.

I am sick of it though. I don’t want to look back in 15 years and have regrets of not doing this or missing out on that opportunity. "I do not regret the things I have done, but those I did not do." If I am too scared to even ask people out to coffee where am I going to get? No where. I hide behind excuses of rejection, and many other things. As a good friend told me everyone at some point in their life gets rejected, usually a lot more than that, but everyone at least once, “Yes, even Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, hell even Hugh Hefner has been turned down for Christ sake.”

So I’ll throw caution to the wind, or at least try my best. I’ll walk a little taller, eyes forward instead of looking at the ground. That way when opportunity tries to blind side me, which would knock anybody else down, I don’t miss it and keep la dee dah walking along. Take some pride in myself and trust that I don’t need to hide behind the corners. I choose to live in the front of all that is going on around me instead of hiding from life on the edges terrified of what tomorrow may bring. I won’t be so scared of life but be happy in the fact that I have some great opportunities ahead of me, although uncertain they maybe. Life is worth embracing this is the only shot we get, here and now so why not make the best of it, even if it is tough to trudge through every now and then?

Live, god damn it, live every damn day and stop being so afraid.

"Oh no I've said too much, I haven't said enough"

Words are an oddity, and most seem to be wasted now. It is said somewhere between fifty and ninety-three percent of communication is non-verbal, so we can agree that the majority is non-verbal. Then why are words so important, why do each sentence I choose to say seems to be weighed with a certain discernment. Too many words said and the message becomes over-used and feels stuffed with filler, too little and the message could be lost somewhere in translation from my lips to your ears.

Too much travel and too little sleep results in sickness for me. The weekend was a whirlwind of here to there adventures. Thursday: a camping trip that was put together in a couple of hours. I tend to forget how clear the stars are without the lights of town when I get caught up in life. I still giggle like a 12 year old girl when a group of us are trying to go to sleep in the same tent. “Ha! Look who’s not talking and look who is!” Why is it that when you go camping no matter how late you go to bed you tend to get up at the crack of dawn? We decided that trying to cook scrambled eggs for breakfast would be too much work so we packed up camp and made the Village Idiot(Village Inn for those of you who don’t get the reference) do all the work.
After watching Pirates of the Caribbean 2 Bri, Mat, and myself packed up for the weekend and headed over to Cheyenne. The evening was spent at Cheyenne Frontier Days at the carnival. Half of the time was spent thinking “I hope to god we weren’t like that when we were in Junior High” But the truth of it was we probably were, we would like to think we weren’t but we thought we owned the world and we didn’t owe anyone else the time of day or respect because no one gave it to us. I still hold out some hope that we weren’t quite as bad as them.
Saturday we drove down to Denver for the concert we have been waiting for, for months. The Hush Sound, The Dresden Dolls, and Panic! At The Disco. The show was amazing, all of the acts were great and if you have not heard of them I suggest you go check them out. Do it! Now! Amanda and Brian of the Dresden Dolls put on an amazing show, better than what I could have imagined. It was well worth the 2 hours we stood in-line outside in the sun, in Denver heat.

“all I know is that all around the nation
the girls are crying and the boys are masturbating”
–Shores of California by: The Dresden Dolls Album: Yes, Virginia


Should we be careful with our words, how much we use them? Maybe, but maybe not. Most of us have now headed west. To find the sun? To find ourselves? If we go far enough west we'll hit palm trees and sand, eventually getting lost in the depths of salt water and sea weed.



Here is something I have been working on for a bit:

Neck Ties
I believe everything has a direct cause
and effect: open the refrigerator
door and the light goes on; build
it and they will come; step on the
left and you go a little faster; step

on the right, you stop. But like everything
else, I’ve been known to take this
too far: I believe Euripides performed
his tragedies in the morning and his

comedies at night so News at 6 could show
their accidents by 6:15 and I can tune in
late for just Sports, Weather, and

Entertainment. I believe the Vikings worshiped
a god of both war and poetry so samurai could
write haiku so there could be cameras in
Normandy, cameras in Bosnia, and cellphones
in London. Scheherazade sung 1,001

stories so there could be a million man
march on Washington. The Romans named mice after
muscles so I can be born in the year of
the rat. I believe Persians invented shish

kebab because they only had their daggers so
the Chinese could invent chopsticks because knives
were too barbaric for the table. (I believe
the internet was invented so poets could

do fact-checking) Melville wrote Moby Dick
so he could die. Freud invented free association

so Ginsberg could write. I believe Icarus lost his wings
so my friend could lose his finger. We voted for 4 more years

of Bush for 4 more soldiers accused
of rape. We teach children long division

so they could learn movement from a desk-driven
science. I believe in a world
of strict causality. Making sense of the world
any other way is just too much work.
- B.A.S.

Because Mandy Said I Should...

And my brain is still fried from Pride this weekend.

5 Things In My Refrigerator
- bottled water
- Bacon
- Turkey lunch meat
- Diet Pepsi (Jen’s not mine)
- and a bunch of to-go boxes that have probably turned into science experiments as well

5 Things In My Closet
- A tote filled with Christmas lights and bedding
- 16 ties that really don’t match anything else I own
- 8 pairs of wearable shoes
- At least 6 different clothes with plaid on them
- A black and pink checker-boarded dress

5 Things In My Workbag/Backpack/Purse
Yep this is for my backpack.
- Two books (The Fuck-Up By: Arthur Nersesian and The Perks of Being a Wallflower By: Stephen Chbosky)
- a notebook
- An Athens Boys choir Patch, not sure why in the backpack instead of on it.
- A package of high-lighters
- A fossilized piece of a squid (a present from a friend)

5 Things In My CarWell,
I don’t have a car so this one is kind of pointless

5 People I Tag
- Jim
- Benny K
- Brian
- Bri
- Mat

Plus One- Michael J. Fox

And Maybe There is a God…

The news came this morning from my roommates on the couch, after my shower. The Federal Marriage Amendment was defeated today. They had to get a two thirds vote to send it to the Senate. The voting today ended in 49-48. But knowing out “fearless leader” this won’t stop him in trying to push this through congress. If this goes through in the future the measure will deny marriage to same-sex couples and seriously threaten civil unions and domestic partnerships. We are still not in the clear though, at least 13 states have passed amendments banning gay marriage while only two -- Vermont and Connecticut -- have legalized civil unions. If we keep fighting and raising our voices, we can make a difference to let our government know that we won’t stand for discrimination in this country in any form. While I was surfing the news articles this morning I came across an article that interviewed a black clergyman that had been apart of the civil rights march on Washington. He accused gay rights activists as trying to hijack the movement saying these are not civil rights issues. I strongly disagree, civil rights issues are human rights issues, and I assure you we are all human, and to deny humanity rights is wrong.
HRC News Coverage
Gay.com News Coverage
MSN News Coverage

For some reason this got me thinking about the troops America has over in Iraq, I am not sure how the line got there but it did, to question Squid’s line of thought would be a very scary thing. Yesterday was D-Day, not many people realized that or at least what I saw anyways. I saw the 6-6-06 dooms of apocalypse, “national emo beat down day”, and the release of The Omen. But no mention of the remembrance of D-Day. Yesterday was the 62nd anniversary of the reinvasion of Europe at Normandy. Sixty-two years ago, we began the last great push in the liberation of Europe. This may have been the most idealistic moment in American history since the Civil War.

Apropos of current events, General (later President) Eisenhower wrote a draft message in the event the landings failed. It is interesting to see the changes he made from the initial version he prepared. Here's how the first draft read (more or less; he was obviously editing as he wrote):

"Our landings in the Cherbourg-Havre area have failed to gain a satisfactory foothold, and the troops have been withdrawn. This particular operation was based upon the best information available. The troops, the air and the Navy did all that Bravery and devotion to duty could do. If any blame or fault attaches to the attempt it is mine alone. "

Here's the final version:
"Our landings in the Cherbourg-Havre area have failed to gain a satisfactory foothold, and I have withdrawn the troops. My decision to attack at this time and place was based upon the best information available. The troops, the air and the Navy did all that Bravery and devotion to duty could do. If any blame or fault attaches to the attempt it is mine alone."

Note the changes and how Ike consciously took responsibility for the possible failure. Any chance we'd see a message like that today? Would Bush, or any of our Generals now take that responsibility? I doubt it.
What a wonderful leadership we are living under.

Currently listening to:
Pink feat. The Indigo Girls
“Dear Mr. President”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9eDJ3cuXKV4

And It's Here Without a Warning

In the time span of not even a month summer has hit full force. Here in Wyoming it seems like we have no gradual change in temperature from freezing to scorching. One day you think spring might be around the corner, and Mother Nature laughs at you and dumps a good four inches of snow on you that night. But it is certain now that summer is here and won't be going away for a while. Hopefully. While growing up one year it did snow on the Fourth of July while watching the fire works, it was quite bizarre and surreal as I recall.

Summer comes in with shorts and tank tops, bike riding and trying to find activities to fill the empty space between work and bed. My summer so far has been mainly filled with moving into my new apartment with my new roommate, and all of the chaos that usually goes with it. Realizing we don’t have things like tape or band-aids at the wrong time. Deciding on shelving and do we really need a (some sort of kitchen device) now? Well, not really, but it is cool and cheap right now. And of course assembling said shelving at 11:30 at night, yes, I am sure our neighbors love us. My days are spent normally sleeping in, then catching the University bus into work, staring at a computer screen for about 4 hours, riding the bus back home, cooking, watching TV, and then heading to bed. I have come to the conclusion that I am going to run out of books to read by the end of summer, so if any of you guys have suggestions let me know. I have already read four books since the end of school.

I am not really a creature of habit; I love spontaneity and having something new and different to experience. So, this summer has felt like the days are dragging on like emulsified honey that has sat in the cupboard and crystallized. Recently my nights have found me sitting on rooftops debating life, and forming some kind of jam session while people on the street pass by and must think we are crazy. Finding out that not all situations change as much as you had first thought they had. Every now and then it hits me like a sting of lemon juice in a paper cut that things have changed and along with that memories and experiences flood my thoughts. Calling up a feeling of emptiness and wondering if moving on and finding more connections will help fill that void. Instead I will take it a day at a time and remember that life seems it always has a surprise up her sleeve around the corner.

Will You Take Action?

Congress will vote on the discriminatory Federal Marriage Amendment as early as June. Your members of Congress need to hear from you!

Yes! I oppose discrimination in the Constitution

If you believe that the Federal Marriage Amendment is wrong please go to the HRC website and let your Senator's and Represenatives know. Tell them to vote no.

What I learned from this semester??

I am a worrier, I worry about everything, anything, and things that don't even concern me. I worry that I might be losing everything. I worry that somehow I've lost my rhythm.
I have heard many people tell me that I can write. I can't not really I have no points to make I just blabber on and on so when they tell me this I just shake my head. I don't know what good writing is. I'm no Emerson, Robert Frost. I'm no Shakespeare. Those people were great and knew how to connect with audiences.

In high school I was the dissident who roamed the halls, who tapped magazine clippings to her locker in a vain attempt to change the world. Who was I kidding, some how trying to raise awareness in a place no one really looks.
I told you, I'm losing everything. I'm losing them to their bullshit. I'm losing her to the pain. I'm losing me to something I can't even find.
And maybe that's the problem. I can't find it. I can't reach it. I can't quite get there. Only I'm stretching my arm until it hurts. It hurts.

The end of this semester leaves me feeling like a vase that has been shattered into a thousand pieces and meticulosly glued back together. At a quick glance no one can tell I've been broken, but after further examination you can see the little cracks, and don't fill me up with water out of fear that somehow it will leak through. I have come to the conclusion that growing up has nothing to do with hitting puberty or life experiences but rather at which point you determine your own assests.

Growing up also has to do with connections, everyday we come into contact with people. Severing connections is one of the most painful things I have to do. To know that a connection was there that now can no longer be, hurts more than diving head first into saltwater with a thousand wounds. Some days it feel like there isn't enough oxygen in the water I've been breathing. Is it even worth making connections anymore with others? With joy comes pain, because it is said that without pain we cannot truly understand and feel joy. So I could avoid pain but never really know joy? I don't think so, I don't want to believe that is true, I want to belive that we have a reason for the connections we make in our daily lives, with the friendships we forge. I sit in air conditioned rooms with boxes of words all around me. I can't stand sitting there most days because I can't move to see things better. To see people better.

It's scary to not be able to run away from yourself. In the dream you can run away from the monster, but I can't run away from myself. I can't get out of my own head. I grab my backpack and heave my black burden on my shoulders. It is my life. Those are my books. It is my backpack and I am stuffed inside, scratching at the zipper. And this is all just simple pages on my mind, nothing to take to heart.

Primavera

It seems that spring brings changes of different madnitudes each year. A time of rebirth, moving on, finishing up the year in academia. Friends graduate and move on with their lives and I will be moving on with mine into a new apartment. Can we remember to breath when the world seems spinning to fast to hold on to this time? Sunday mornings spent over breakfast warm my heart and give me hope that not all friendships die.

I've fogged up the windows again,
shooting my mouth off
and laughing a little too loud.
I promise to not keep you awake
if you promise to not kick me out.
The conditions are new
and I'm unsure of where I stand.
I promise not to get hurt,
if you promise not to keep picking me up at 3 am,
if you promise not to tell me things I don't need to know.
I promise to keep my distance
staying on my side of the fence
as long as you don't jump the pickets.