Second Class

There was a ballot measure this election in California to elminate marriage for certain people. Yes, the gays. It is hard for me to grasp that in this day and age when we can elect an African American president, people are still trying to keep...me, my friends, my family second class citizens. Its not fair, and it hurts a lot right now.

This saturday there are nation wide protests to repeal this ballot measure and give back rights to thousands and thousands of people who had them two weeks ago. If this upsets you as much as it does me, call your representatives, talk about it, act out - peacefully. Let California know that not just the gays are pissed off right now.

Here are some links if you're not quite sure what I am talking about.

http://jointheimpact.wetpaint.com/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/California_Proposition_8_(2008)
http://www.towleroad.com/2008/11/we-did-it.html

Although, to end this post on a high note, Connecticut started gay marriages on Wednesday this week.

Ten years.

A decade. Ten small trips around the sun. Ten years ago I was 11 and in 6th grade, and to me back then ten years seemed like an eternity. There were so many other things to get through first, the horrible years of middle school that were so awkward and rough. High school, 16th birthdays, driver’s licenses, 18th birthdays, graduation. College wasn’t even a thought on my mind back then. I was trying to find my own niche again. The one I had in elementary school with my boys; John, Christian, Cory, Jonathen, and Curtis was being dissolved. I was no longer allowed to be “one of the guys”. The social structure of friendships was rapidly changing with the onset of puberty, and I was being left behind. We had all spent that summer together rebuilding our fort in the park that had been damaged by winter, floating the creek, and making our own scenes to Warriors of Virtue(yes we were obsessed, and geeky. we had seen it the fall before and couldn’t get enough of it) Once school started things started to change, we tried hanging out still but once the others girls in my grade knew I was still spending the nights with all of them, they started spreading viscous rumors that I was sleeping with all of them. I was hurt and offended, but apparently that’s what boys and girls were supposed to do together in middle school. So, slowly the boys and I started to drift.

Ten years ago a young man on the other side of the state from me lost his life. I remember first hearing about it. A young man who was attending college at UW had been horribly beaten. That was how my homeroom teacher put it. She was late and had came in crying, all puffy-eyed, red nose, and blotchy. I remember thinking what could be so horrible that our teacher is crying in front of us. She was so upset when she explained what had happened; a kid named Matthew Shepard had been beaten almost to death and left tied to a fence. She told us no matter what, it is not ok to hurt someone, taunt someone, tease or call names at someone who is different. I could understand that, I felt so different from my peers those first couple months of middle school. I didn’t know then that I would turn out to be very similar to Matthew Shepard, coming out my freshman year of college, I had no clue back then that my differences could be that I was queer. I know now the reason why my home room teacher took it so hard, was that her only son, I think about the same age as Matt was gay too, he didn’t attend UW, but now looking back I can understand how hard that must have hit her.

I didn’t know how to process any of this. I would have gone and talked to my dad about it but it was my mom’s week, and there was no way I was talking to her. That summer we had moved in with her latest boyfriend on a ranch a couple miles outside town. I took the bus home as normal, went about my chores of feeding the chickens, shoveling out the stalls, and piling hey bails on the truck so I didn’t have to do the next morning when I went to feed the horses. That night as the three of us, my mom, her boyfriend, and I ate dinner and watched the news, the same story was on. I watched wanting to cry, but something told me that was not a good idea. After the story finished we were all silent, and the boyfriend point blank looked at the TV and said, “The fag deserved it.” That was the end of the discussion, never to be talked about again in that house.

A lot has changed in my life in ten years. I moved away from my family. Became a liberal college student *laughs*. I came to terms with my own sexuality and came out. I go to the same school that Matt attended for a few short months, and now I work to better this place, not only for Matt but every gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender student on this campus. So they know that this is a safe place for them. I have always wanted to change the world. That was what I would answer as what I wanted to be when I grew up in elementary school, someone who changed the world. I want the world to be a safer place for my kids (if I ever have any, god forbid) than I grew up in, no matter what. I am working for a safer place for not just queer folks, but people of race, and different religions, I work to fight all forms of discrimination. We have to act up and speak out in our lives or nothing is ever going to change.

A lot of focus has been on the ten year anniversary of Matt’s death. And some people have been angry that not more has changed, that there is no monument to Matt, but there is more to it than that. It is the little things in our everyday lives. The fact that last week I walked past a group of students in the classroom building and a kid had said, “That’s so gay.” And one of his friends turned on him and told him if he was to be in her presence he could never use that phrase again. The fact that we have more and more people coming out, and at ever younger ages. Yes, there is still violence and hate in this world, but we are working on it, and I hope you help us. Don’t put up with intolerance, hell don’t even put up with tolerance lets strive for celebrating, for embracing one another no matter how different we are.

I came out to my mom this summer, and she didn’t disown me like I was terrified she would. Instead she told me over the phone, “that’s ok, that’s fine. So it’s a big deal, wait no, it’s not a big deal. You are still my daughter and I still love you.” She was supportive of me, the first in a very very long time. So you see things can change, no I haven’t come out to the boyfriend who is now my stepfather, but maybe with time, we’ll see. I am seeing change all across this country and it is amazing. I met people last week who were the same age as me and had come out in middle school, went through getting beat up, and is now speaking to campuses about the need to fight hate and injustice.

So, today what are you doing to fight discrimination, are you letting people get away with slurs, and name calling? Let people know you’re ok with them just the way they are, and they couldn’t be more beautiful for it. Oh and by the way we can’t fight fire with fire, so yelling and beating back is no way to fix our problem of intolerance k? Just an fyi.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.” –Thomas Jefferson, The Declaration of Independence.

Don't Vote.

Go ahead don't vote, it's not really that important anyways right?
Seriously! This is one most cruicial elections to date.
I don't care who you vote for, so long as you vote, so!
Get out there register, and vote!

Changing

Yes I know the font is a little out of wack at the moment. I screwed up my html and so decided to screw it all, and just start over with a new template. It will take me some time to figure out the new layout...I'll try to make it quick...stupid templates...html....blah....in the meantime another update:

This week has been pretty good. I had my first German test on Monday, and got the test back today. I got a 96 on the test...oh yeah you heard that right, I'll have German girls swooning over me in no time with my ability to talk in German....ok well maybe that is just my fantasy :)

The rest of school is going, the weather's been great this week.

And! A link to a movie trailer...the trailer almost had me in tears, can't wait to see the movie:
http://www.towleroad.com/2008/09/milk-trailer-no.html

Getting Back to the Heart.

For months now, I have tried to find something to write about on here. I’ve moved around a lot this summer, no not cities, just different houses. Over Labor Day weekend one of my theatre friends and I found a great deal on an apartment just two blocks away from campus. I’m excited about the house, and plans of costume parties, dinners, and just hanging out in our place. It’s nice to be getting settled in again. There are piles of boxes in the dining room, and I still haven’t moved my dresser in yet, but slowly things are starting to come together.

I’ve been dating a girl for about 4 months now. It’s been an interesting go. I’ve known her for a few years. We met back when I was living at Flock Hall 1. I had the biggest crush on her, but she turned me down when I told her I liked her, because when we first met the first thing she asked me was “Are you gay?” We were hanging out with a bunch of friends, friends who I was not yet out to, so I clumsily denied it. So she made herself not like me.

This is the longest relationship I’ve had. It has been difficult at times because I feel like we’re not quite on the same intellectual level, although she is always eager to try to learn. I don’t know if this is to impress me and my friends, or it that she really does want to learn. She graduated high school, and never made any attempt to go to college, she’s happy working a 9-5 job, but I don’t know what she wants from life. I’m also unsure of where I want this relationship to go. I know that once I graduate, I’m leaving Laramie. I think she is ready to, not necessarily settle down, but get a house and start building a life. It is hard for me to say this, but I don’t know if I can see her in my life in the future, two, five years down the road. Don’t get me wrong, this summer was amazing. We spoil each other, make each other laugh, but something seems missing and I’m not sure what it is.

Speaking of relationships, one of my very good friends has found himself an amazing boyfriend. It’s been wonderful to see their relationship bloom. If you want to read about it, and get all giddy, go congratulate him over here.

I picked up a second job this semester doing data entry work. So, I am now working 30 hours a week, and talking 14 credits. It not as horrible as it sounds, I still get to do homework in the computer labs, and get most of my weekends free. I hope to be working on two productions, the student one acts, and the dance show.

I’ll try updating more often. Things have been hectic for a while, but I think a calm in the storm is coming.

As a human race we are always evolving, changing to the environment around us. We grow as people, hopefully for the better. Experiences have a way of opening our eyes to seeing something different. Remember to try and go with the flow, it’s a little easier that way, and never let yourself get stepped on or used, that one was a hard one to learn at the end of this summer. Remember your value as a human being, and never let anyone take that away from you.

When there are no words.

My voice. My voice comes and goes, and gets lost within everyone else’s. I lose the need to write, and ignore what I need to say most of the time. I could/should use this space to talk about happenings in the queer community, progress that has been made, and the setbacks we’ve faced this year. I could rant about politics and endorse who I am voting for. There are many other blogs out there that put those things into words better than I could.

I feel stuck in limbo at the moment. Waiting to hear back on things, waiting to see if relationships evolve, waiting to see what spring change is bringing for me. I hate waiting; I think we all do a lot of the time. It is in our waiting though a lot of the time, we lose sight of the present and reality around us. Enjoy the moments that waiting bring.

This weekend is the Bear to Make a Difference Dinner down in Denver. I had the opportunity to attend the dinner on “scholarship” (plates are $175) two years ago and it was amazing to be a part of a bigger change. This year I paid for my plate, and couldn’t be any more excited. Jim is a table captain and we will be joined with many great friends from the Denver area.

Spring Break has come and gone. I got caught up on sleep, and spent this past weekend down in Denver with MightyMightyM. He got his first ink done this weekend and it looks awesome! Had some wonderful Sushi and ate sooo much…to the point I don’t even wanna think about fish at the moment, and I love Sushi! This also means that we are past mid-semester barreling towards the end of the school year oh in basically a month.

I leave you all with some random thoughts:

The heavenly rock material that you have imbedded in my skin
is causing day dreams into outer space.
Your star graffiti-ed skin covering me
has left behind some star dust matter,
leaving me sprinkled with brilliant sparkles.
Twilight sunrises and the brilliance of solar rays are seen
somewhat differently through your galaxy.
I spend evenings testing the cosmos,
searching for hints of your matter left behind,
Trying to measure distance, time and space,
multiplying speeds of light and gravity,
Trying to reach my arms across the universe and galaxies
to grab on to part of your star-light,
Trying to locate you geographically, through star charts and graphs,
when gravity and alternate dimensions don’t match.

I should aim my focus to more earthly things
I need to quit star gazing for a while
keep my thoughts from wandering into other galaxies.
But part of human nature is to stare in awe
up into the sky and wonder what is out there.

So I’ll find my navigational star and protector Orion,
Follow the last traces, and known where about specks of your stardust
and trace my way from there.

"Hour follows hour, like water follows water."

Wow, its already Wednesday. It's already the end of February. It's already time to start rehearsing for Short by Skirts. It's already spring? No, I shouldn't say that yet, it is way too soon for Wyoming to be saying that.

It's been unseasonably warm around here recently, with some bone chilling frigid days stuck in between. We've already got spring fever and we have at least two more snow storms to get through...hell it's not even mid-semester yet. The weather, this time of year, all make me restless, things are moving and growing, and I want to be a part of it. There is something going on in the cosmos, something is changing in our world we can all feel it. This political season has been the most active one in a very long time, hell, Wyoming even gets to possibly make a difference in candidates, and that never happens!
Violence has been brewing across the nation; the country is in a place of unrest. I am restless, wanting to go, and move and spread my arms. I want to be a part of whatever is happening.

If I'm not careful, we’ll be knee deep in the end of the semester. I need to remember to focus more on the here and now. I am still getting all of my work done for school and what not, but my head is in the clouds, fantasizing the world away.

This past weekend was spent down in Denver again. There was a night of Rockband. Making grilled cheese sandwiches at 1 o’clock in the morning. Flirting with a girl. An experiment in a fabulous kitchen with all amenities, and wonderful martinis. Time spent cuddling with my favorite pug. And the reminder that good friends with the intention of having fun no matter the circumstances, turns out for a pretty awesome weekend.

What The World Is Coming To...

*Warning: This post contains elements of society that might cause hopelessness and sadness*

Something has been on my mind for the past couple weeks. Violence, hate, bigotry. Nouns, that seem to define parts of us, our communities, our schools. In the past two weeks there have been three school shootings. Three in two weeks...I remember as a kid there were no school shootings, and then Columbine happened...and now a days it seems like we can't even go a couple months in between violence.

The first one happened in Louisiana. A female college student shot two other classmates, and then herself. It was a Friday morning and now three lives are lost and we don't know why. Then came the second school shooting that not many people are hearing about. A boy in junior high was shoot point blank, in front of at least 20 other classmates. They are not exactly sure why, but rumor has it, it was because he was gay, and openly feminine. What kind of hate fuels that, to shoot someone especially in front of your classmates, is it to make a point? And then the third, the one we all heard about. One that echoed the shooting of last April at the Virginia Tech campus, a little too loudly for comfort. A man on Valentine's day burst into a class room at Northern Illinios Univeristy and open fired on the class. There are now 7 dead from this shooting.

The thing that kills me is for two of these we will never really know why it happened. I don't know why I need to know, but I do. For some reason, an explanation would help ease my mind. Where do we learn this kind of blind hatred? Was is hatred that fueled these shootings? I suppose we learn it in the home from parents and grandparents, from classmates that were also taught to hate. But why and when did hate become part of the human race's vocabulary? Why in this day and age is it still apart of our vocabulary? I know people as a whole have been warring over stupid things for hundreds, thousands of years...but this? This is ridiculous. And it hurts to hear, hurts because there is not much we can do but lead by example, and be images of love for others. But is it enough? I don't think so. It is scary to think that suicides where you take out a bunch of people with you are becoming so... I hate to say it mainstream.

There is hope though. There always has to be. The protest kids from Oxnard, CA put together in three days that produced over 1,000 protestors gives me hope.

So today...tell someone you love them. Give out extra hugs, show a little more kindness. And let people know they're accepted here in this life, this world.

Really? With all the pinks and reds?

Yes, my dear friends it's that time again. A holiday put into place by chocolate manufactures and florists. No, no I'm not bitter...ok well maybe just a little bit....but maybe this will help explain...at the very least it sums up perfectly how I feel about Valentine’s Day.
p.s. Thank you Flynn for the Valentine's card, it was very sweet. :)


Hallmark Holocaust

I was creating my own valentine with a gun in my mouth
but it was you who proceeded to deny candy hearts and Hershey kisses.

You told me we were already too deluded with the buzz of artificial sweetener.
Yes, we are. Aren't we?

Society lets us know Valentine's Day is important.
It's all about the diamonds.
The hearts. The love. The red.

Red is the color of impulse
but isn't it also the same shade as blood?

How often and how much can you bleed
before it is significant enough for the one
you are trying to make your significant other?
Cupid cried and cried and cried
when some people realized diamonds don't mean shit
and Hallmark cards make you
embark on some masterminded marketing scheme
making us say things we think
but don't always mean.

"I love him, I love him, I love him."
one girl shouted into the darkness
on a playground of the suicidal February weather.
She slit her wrists and plotted Romeo storylines
but the truth of the matter was that she was alone.
Again. In the cold. Now bleeding, dying. For what? Love?

Hallmark never made cards for the broken hearted.
The lonely. The desperate.
They strive for the optimistic-planting conversation hearts
in the lower region of our hypothalamus
hoping it clicks is tune with our biological clock
reading "Be Mine" and "Me 4 U"

Yes. That's it. Conversation hearts proving once again that yes,
As a society as a whole we are stupid.
Unable to create our own diversions to the ones we truly care about.
Oh Shit! It's February 14th and I've had all year to tell her how I feel
but it's all so easy to do today because Wal-Mart is supplying
CHOCOLATE CANDY IN THE SHAPE OF HEARTS
FOR ONLY $5.99 A BAG, AND HOLY SHIT IS THAT A GOOD DEAL
WHEN YOU'RE BARGAINING WITH
YOUR DEEPEST THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS FOR THE ONE YOU LOVE.

And the ones who are waiting in line to be employed by matrimony
will simply call me a pessimist.
"God, you're cynical, get fucked!"

Okay. Maybe so.

I'm not saying those who participate in these rituals are completely ignorant
or sidetracked by what our culture is deeming as a priority.
I'm simply stating why can't every day be Valentine's Day?
Please God, minus the emphasis on reds and pinks.
Hearts and flowers.
If you care for someone, shouldn't you let them know
whenever the thought strikes that the appreciation is there?

Just saying.
~B.A.S.

It's True!

See! Ha, more proof that Apples are the root of all evil.

http://sinfest.net/comikaze/comics/2007-06-10.gif

Yes, this comic is like looking into a horrible nightmare for me. I love it though!!

bleh...

It seems as though I am a carrier for the plague. Or at least the chest cold kind of plague. I came down with being sick on Friday, and it has not really let up since. I went to the doctor this morning and found out that it is bronchitis....wooo! Am at work for an hour, then home to take codine and sleep hopefully. I emailed my profs to let them know. I even managed to get the entire house sick it seems like....I really didn't mean too...sorry guys. So for your own good, I have been keeping to myself, or trying to at least.

There are other things to post about, like the holiday weekend trip to Denver over Martin Luther King Jr. Weekend. How classes are going, and what not. But all that I can really focus on right now is not trying to cough on the users, and crazy cold med dreams.

*stumbles off to find a pillow*

A post.

Fine, I’ll post. It won’t be pretty though. :P

Winter break is nearly over. These last few days are left trying to keep some sense of rest in them. Gearing up for a new semester, one where I will have no theater classes, but will still probably be just as busy with my 15 hours of English Lit classes. The holidays were spent here in town, with lots of old friends. Days were spent sleeping in, staying up too late, and playing lots of video games. Days would go by where we wouldn’t leave the house except maybe a quick trip to the grocery store for food. It was one of the best holidays I have had in quite some time. It was nice to just be with people and reconnect with old friends. Then there was the great Flock Christmas extravaganza. It was wonderful being able to celebrate a holiday that is so close to my heart, with so many friends.

New Years came and went with somewhat of a bang. Jim and I were yet again off to the Emerald City (Denver) for a weekend of frolicking in urban-goodness. It always good to escape to the city for weekends like that. Hanging out with the Denver kids is always a hoot and well certain bartenders are always fun to see. I know you are probably expecting some sort of New Year’s resolution, but really I don’t have one. It is not that I am opposed to them as some people are; I just have never made any. Maybe mine this year should be: I resolve not to date crazy girls anymore. Or focus more on my writing. Or blog more often. Or stand up to my mother for once. Or remember to send thank you cards. Write an actual letter to someone. Read more books. Work out on a regular basis. I will probably try and work on these things as I always try to do at the beginning of semesters, but if I call them New Year’s resolutions, they really won’t get done because I will be jaded about them. So I will stick to working on bettering myself, for myself.

It’s also official that the girl and I have broken up. It wasn’t a bad break up; there were no tears really, which is good. It is just that we are in two different places that don’t mesh well together. She wants kids and promises of forever. I don’t want kids, and I can’t promise forever to anyone or anything, forever is too permanent for me. Maybe that makes me a bad person somehow, but forever is a long time, and change is the one thing I stand by. I wanted affection, cuddles and adventure. To turn left when we should have turned right and end up stranded with a flat tire and no gas. She wanted stability instead and needs to always be prepared for everything. So I am back to being single. Maybe this will be a good thing at the start of a new year. Focus on centering myself and finding myself again. I find that when dating someone, we always end up sort of getting lost in them and need to figure us out again before we can move on.

Here’s to a new year. May yours be filled with more joy and less sorrow than the last. And may you always be surrounded by friends and loved ones.