Happy Chrismahanuakwanzayulica

:D Hello all my dear hearts, I wanted to pause from the running around in Pinedale to take a moment to say I hope you are all doing great and the holidays are/were fabulous. I miss you all and have lots to tell, but for now a happy blessings goes out to all of you. I wanted to let all of you, my friends, know that I care for you deeply and am grateful you are in my life. You all have a place in my heart, and I know that we cannot all be together for the holidays, but you are my family and I wish you well. Now " 'parently" we are off to get ready for midnight mass and singing in the choir. Love you! Take care of yourselves and I promises stories to come.

~Squidly

J'ai manqué mes montagnes.

The four hour journey back home with a Ford Escort hatchback packed to where the two in the back seat couldn't move was a success. Mark, Tessa, Gina and I all made it safe and sound back to Pinedale. It feels odd to be here for some reason, I really don't consider it home anymore, yes my family is here, but even then they aren't my "true, blood" family, they are my family, but this is no longer home. This is not even the town I grew up in, which is true for most natural resource booming towns. Many buildings have been renovated or demolished and built over, many new buildings are up, business that I once worked in now no longer exist. I guess this is all apart of life. Change is the only constant, and is inevitable. We will see how the rest of the week goes here, I am meeting up with my high school buddies tomorrow night, a trip to Jackson on Friday, sledding with Aunts and Uncles on Saturday, then there is actually Christmas and church to attend. Sitting here thinking about it, I realize that I haven't been back since my god-mother's funeral almost two years ago, one of my best friends, my Sarah, growing up is living back here and I haven't seen her in close to four years. Maybe that is why I feel out of place, that and the fact that I have orange hair might have something to do with it.

...

My head hurts, my stomach hurts. What this means? The end of the semester is upon us.
I didn't mean for the words to hurt my friend, but they did. I can say I'm sorry a thousand times but it won't matter. I told you I didn't want to tell you, I told you didn't want to know. I know I was being stupid about it, that it was ridiculous, but still it was the way I felt, I'm sorry. Lately I've kind of felt like shit. I'm frustrated, and feeling disconnected from myself. Can we say yay! for the end of the semester? For now I will leave you with links because that is all I got.

http://piggymoo.com/futurama//?episode=01x01
All the Futurama you can stand for free on the internet!

http://caffeineweb.com/?p=15
Nasa's Findings on Caffeine

http://www.apple.com/trailers/picturehouse/panslabyrinth/trailer/
An Awesome looking movie

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4662636869909322164&sourceid=docidfeed&hl=en
From Russia With Love: A documentary on Tetris

http://www.giantmicrobes.com/us/products/ulcer.html
Your very own stuffed microbe

Guess What!!??

IT'S SNOWING!!!! It's snowing, It's snowing, oh oh, oh yeah its snowing!!! *does the happy dance around the computer lab* *happydance in the chair*
and has been since last night. :D Makes me a happy kid, for the most part.


I sometimes find it so intriging and frustrating at the same time that we have to have things so defined, in our lives, our relationships, our futures. A really good friend told me though that, "I would rather know where my limits are, then trip over them and lose everything." I have to agree. I am still pondering the answer to a question another friend asked me, why is history such a big deal, why does it play such a big role in relationships, why does it matter? That I have no answer too.

There is basically four weeks of classes left and then finals. Crap crap crappity crap!!! I have managed to do even more damage to my glasses then just have my lens fall out, I snapped the frame! Oh yay! So now they are being held together with super glue and wire, yes I realize how big of a dork this makes me. My friends in all of their graciousness though have started a collection for my birthday present to get me new glasses, any one want to contribute? I might be moving to another place in December it would be a little bit more expensive but it would be an actual house and much closer to campus. I want fuzzy blankets, hot coco, cuddles, Jim Henson movies, and flanel PJ's anyone want to join?

How did we get here?

The snow wasn’t here to stay; it usually isn’t in October anymore. It seems like it use to be when I was little. We would get a horrible snowstorm in October and the world would be covered in white until April at least. Not so much anymore. The last couple of days have been unusually warm and this catches me off guard. I want the world to be knee deep in snow, at least so I know what time of year it is, at least I know that truth.

Why do we, as humans need to have everything defined down to a pinpoint? Why do we put so much focus on communication, the need to be heard, the need to be understood, by someone, anyone? Why do we feel like we need to have a connection with others, to be close to others, the need to be with someone? I know we like things defined so there are not many questions involved, it is easier to understand this way, no grey matter. It makes our lives simplistic and that is what we strive for, simplicity. The need for connection comes from human nature, and that fact we as a species do not live well in seclusion. Some of us try to think that we are happier that way, but overall this does not work. We like talking to others, we like interacting.
A famous poet put it in more eloquent words than this, “No man is an Island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankind; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.”~ John Donne.
There are people who would disagree with this quote, but I wonder, why? I have focused on trying to connect with someone to feel what others feel in a relationship. I have realized that I give too much, I love too much, I care too much, for others. Some would say that this is a curse, and at times, I do too, but others say that this is also a gift. I wonder sometimes if there comes a breaking point, in which there is no more to give of oneself.
“Some where along the way my heart became yours without my permission.”
“some people wear their heart up on their sleeve
i wear mine underneath my right pant leg strapped to my boot
don't think cause i'm easy i'm naive
don't think i won't pull it out
don't think i won't shoot –Ani DiFranco, Out of Me
Sometimes I wish I could hide my heart better, but if I did, I wouldn’t be me.

I think now it is late enough and I am on too little sleep, and too much caffeine that I am rambling again. Nevertheless, I do have one more thing to say, I am getting better at accepting the fact that the only constant in life is change. We are constantly changing as people, if we stay stagnant and don’t move forward what better are we?

Escaping into Snow

Did you know that there is proof out there that not only birds sing love song to each other, but mice do too!

http://record.wustl.edu/news/page/normal/6087.html
http://mednews.wustl.edu/news/page/normal/6040.html

Turns out

Lab Mice sing love
songs like birds

at frequencies higher
than most wings
rise.

Does the caged mouse still sing?
Yes. Apparently.

Swamp Sparrow Songs
spun with long
pink tails

red beady eyes
longing wantonly

long yellow teeth
grinning lasciviously

singing triply
repeated phrases

"Hey you, woman."
"I’m over here!"

Cage GC78, Row 18
Aisle 242.
~B.A.S.


It seems as though the snow is officially here until next April. With the turning of the weather decay and death seems to be on my mind more often, and I find myself reminded that we are not invincible as we all might wish to be. It is about this time of the year that I begin to get restless, with the falling leaves comes my want to be somewhere else. Not somewhere that is necessarily warmer, just somewhere else. I have escaped with Anna to Fort Collins twice in the past week. We drove down last Wednesday night to eat at the Thai Pepper which was sort of in celebration of our one month, and our excuse last night was to look at Halloween costumes which took a detour to Indian food. I am worried about a lot of things right now, and kind of sad. We were talking last night over dinner about places we were going to go visit and I said “When I am in London in the spring…” and realized oh yeah, crap I am not going this spring. School is interesting this semester, but I have come to learn especially this month, that even if I am stressed just push through it and I’ll come out on the other side. So for now I am going to go push through mid-terms and I will see you all on the other side of next week.

May you find solace in the gentle arms of sleep
Despite the wolves outside your door
In time you will see them all as harmless
And their idle threats easy to ignore

And if ever fate should choose to smite you
Stand your ground, never walk away
Please don't ever let the world defeat you
Don't get buried in its decay

As you drift into the gauzy realm of dreams
May you take comfort in the thought that you are safe
For it only takes a fraction of a second
For all of this to change
Lullaby by: Assemblage 23

Because you let me dance with you.

Midterms are already here? How did that happen?
My weeks are blurring together again. Time is spent in a semi-coherent state trying to grab pieces of the world around me. I'm keeping up on school work which I have impressed myself with. For some reason that has now eluded me I agreed to work the 11pm-3am shift Sun-Wed this semester. So, I spend sleepless nights, surrounded by insomniacs, procrastinators, and foreign exchange students. I am also trying to steal moments of brilliance with her, which catches me on the wrong foot. I lose my footing with her in moments of staggering and breath taking beauty, the simple things I notice she always asks me to explain that I can’t quite put into words.
We have been dating for three weeks now, next Tuesday it will be exactly one month. She makes me smile. She loves my spastic-ness, sees through to who I am, and doesn’t let me hide behind my hats. She lets me cuddle with her while watching tv, and lets me take her on random drives to where she doesn’t know the final destination.

It has been an interesting semester so far. There has been a couple times where a few of us have wanted to hit pause and then restart from our last save point. October is now in full swing which means Spectrum is in full swing with queer awareness month. This week we have 2 events and then the homecoming parade and building the float. Next week we have Queer History Day and a singer/song writer Magdalen Hsu-Li coming in and performing. Honestly, I can’t wait for this month, to be over. We will get through it though, and it won’t be as bad as it seems right now. Remember to take time in heart stopping moments. Go and play in a pile of leaves or just crunch through them instead of staying on the sidewalk. I have found myself recently missing ones who I took for granted would be around for quite some time. Life is unexpected, that is what makes life great, but the uncertainty is also what reminds to live.

Because you are reading this.

I am a GEEK!!

I try not to let my geek side show too often. I try to be the somewhat ordinary, some what average looking person I, sometimes am. But every so often something comes along so freakin’ cool that the Geek has to be let out. Now I usually don’t rave about new game consoles coming out because honestly most days I would take the original NES or Super NES over the X-Box or Playstation any day, probably more so because I have always been a Nintendo girl at heart. But with the unknown release of possibly the coolest system since…ever drawing nearer I have been doing research. The Wii released by Nintendo will retail for no more than $250 but they are expecting it to sell for around $170 but of course there are no final words on the price yet. Now with the release of the Wii comes the release of one of my greatest heroes newest game…Zelda: Twilight Princess!!!

Now, I don’t know how much of my readers out there are gamers, I should probably expect all of them to be, but on the off chance that there are some people out there who have no clue about the Wii, which is honestly very sad for you, honestly. The controls on the system are amazing. It is a break from the everyday ordinary controller. It is a wireless, freehand controller.
“The Wii Remote frees you from cords and excessive, complicated buttons without sacrificing gameplay depth. The motion sensors contained within the Wii Remote and the Nunchuk controller add totally new interactions to existing games while opening doors for new genres. Wii makes your senses come alive!”
When I first heard that they were releasing Twilight Princess for Wii I imagined swinging the Wii controller as if it were actually the Master Sword. One of the first news releases stated that it wasn’t going to be and yes, I was kind of heart broken at the fact. But have no fear! It looks like Nintendo has made some tweaks to the controls for Twilight Princess Wii since E3. IGN is reporting that the biggest change to the controls is that now you will be swinging your Wiimote as if it were Link’s sword. I am super excited with this. It is who I have been dreaming about the Wii from the start. Nintendo had said in the past that they were worried gamers would get too tired playing a Zelda title like this, but it appears they have had a change of heart. Miyamoto himself is all for the new idea stating, “Upon actually playing it, it’s more interesting this way.”

See I am more than the well-adjusted, able to converse on mature subjects with you person than I seem to be. Just below this well polished surface is my alter-ego. This person is, well, the antithesis of cool, the last person you want to get stuck in a conversation with. This person is my geek. The Magic, Dugeons and Dragons, Pirates, playing geek; the comic book collecting, Monty Python quoting, obsessive science fiction movie and series watching geek!
I struggle on a daily basis to keep my inner geek quite and suppressed from the world, but as normal she wants out to talk to the other geeks. She wants to sit everyone down and make them watch Big Trouble in Little China, and the entire Series of Trigun and Cowboy Beebop. She wants to watch Blade Runner, again, A Clockwork Orange, again and again.
She wants to watch every behind the scenes special about the making of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy and then kick your ass at Lord of The Rings Trivial pursuit and Star Wars Trivial Pursuit. She wants her own light saber and Rebel X-Wing Class Fighter, and yes she wants to go out and buy a DeLorean and drive exactly 88 miles per hour!

But for now I will stuff her back away from the world. If you find, like me, your inner geek trying to get out, I have found an extremely geeky site on Spaceship dimensions. Every single science fiction ship you could possibly want to compare with any other one are on there. From Babylon 5 to Firefly, from Star Wars to Star Trek, it is there my friend go enjoy!

Isn't it time to go home yet?

Are you serious, I still have three hours of just sitting here? The slow creep of time today is like trying to pour crystallized honey out of the container. It might work but you are going to sit there waiting forever. Am I waiting for something? Maybe not today specifically, but in the greater sense of things yes. School starts in a week and a half, and I am waiting on issues with money. Waiting to see everyone and how their summers’ have been going. It seems like I am always waiting for something to drop, like there is this ominous ball of doom just up around the corner barely attached to where it is dangling from. For most of my life I have lived cautious and worried waiting for the next big bad news to topple over me.

I am sick of it though. I don’t want to look back in 15 years and have regrets of not doing this or missing out on that opportunity. "I do not regret the things I have done, but those I did not do." If I am too scared to even ask people out to coffee where am I going to get? No where. I hide behind excuses of rejection, and many other things. As a good friend told me everyone at some point in their life gets rejected, usually a lot more than that, but everyone at least once, “Yes, even Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, hell even Hugh Hefner has been turned down for Christ sake.”

So I’ll throw caution to the wind, or at least try my best. I’ll walk a little taller, eyes forward instead of looking at the ground. That way when opportunity tries to blind side me, which would knock anybody else down, I don’t miss it and keep la dee dah walking along. Take some pride in myself and trust that I don’t need to hide behind the corners. I choose to live in the front of all that is going on around me instead of hiding from life on the edges terrified of what tomorrow may bring. I won’t be so scared of life but be happy in the fact that I have some great opportunities ahead of me, although uncertain they maybe. Life is worth embracing this is the only shot we get, here and now so why not make the best of it, even if it is tough to trudge through every now and then?

Live, god damn it, live every damn day and stop being so afraid.

"Oh no I've said too much, I haven't said enough"

Words are an oddity, and most seem to be wasted now. It is said somewhere between fifty and ninety-three percent of communication is non-verbal, so we can agree that the majority is non-verbal. Then why are words so important, why do each sentence I choose to say seems to be weighed with a certain discernment. Too many words said and the message becomes over-used and feels stuffed with filler, too little and the message could be lost somewhere in translation from my lips to your ears.

Too much travel and too little sleep results in sickness for me. The weekend was a whirlwind of here to there adventures. Thursday: a camping trip that was put together in a couple of hours. I tend to forget how clear the stars are without the lights of town when I get caught up in life. I still giggle like a 12 year old girl when a group of us are trying to go to sleep in the same tent. “Ha! Look who’s not talking and look who is!” Why is it that when you go camping no matter how late you go to bed you tend to get up at the crack of dawn? We decided that trying to cook scrambled eggs for breakfast would be too much work so we packed up camp and made the Village Idiot(Village Inn for those of you who don’t get the reference) do all the work.
After watching Pirates of the Caribbean 2 Bri, Mat, and myself packed up for the weekend and headed over to Cheyenne. The evening was spent at Cheyenne Frontier Days at the carnival. Half of the time was spent thinking “I hope to god we weren’t like that when we were in Junior High” But the truth of it was we probably were, we would like to think we weren’t but we thought we owned the world and we didn’t owe anyone else the time of day or respect because no one gave it to us. I still hold out some hope that we weren’t quite as bad as them.
Saturday we drove down to Denver for the concert we have been waiting for, for months. The Hush Sound, The Dresden Dolls, and Panic! At The Disco. The show was amazing, all of the acts were great and if you have not heard of them I suggest you go check them out. Do it! Now! Amanda and Brian of the Dresden Dolls put on an amazing show, better than what I could have imagined. It was well worth the 2 hours we stood in-line outside in the sun, in Denver heat.

“all I know is that all around the nation
the girls are crying and the boys are masturbating”
–Shores of California by: The Dresden Dolls Album: Yes, Virginia


Should we be careful with our words, how much we use them? Maybe, but maybe not. Most of us have now headed west. To find the sun? To find ourselves? If we go far enough west we'll hit palm trees and sand, eventually getting lost in the depths of salt water and sea weed.



Here is something I have been working on for a bit:

Neck Ties
I believe everything has a direct cause
and effect: open the refrigerator
door and the light goes on; build
it and they will come; step on the
left and you go a little faster; step

on the right, you stop. But like everything
else, I’ve been known to take this
too far: I believe Euripides performed
his tragedies in the morning and his

comedies at night so News at 6 could show
their accidents by 6:15 and I can tune in
late for just Sports, Weather, and

Entertainment. I believe the Vikings worshiped
a god of both war and poetry so samurai could
write haiku so there could be cameras in
Normandy, cameras in Bosnia, and cellphones
in London. Scheherazade sung 1,001

stories so there could be a million man
march on Washington. The Romans named mice after
muscles so I can be born in the year of
the rat. I believe Persians invented shish

kebab because they only had their daggers so
the Chinese could invent chopsticks because knives
were too barbaric for the table. (I believe
the internet was invented so poets could

do fact-checking) Melville wrote Moby Dick
so he could die. Freud invented free association

so Ginsberg could write. I believe Icarus lost his wings
so my friend could lose his finger. We voted for 4 more years

of Bush for 4 more soldiers accused
of rape. We teach children long division

so they could learn movement from a desk-driven
science. I believe in a world
of strict causality. Making sense of the world
any other way is just too much work.
- B.A.S.

Because Mandy Said I Should...

And my brain is still fried from Pride this weekend.

5 Things In My Refrigerator
- bottled water
- Bacon
- Turkey lunch meat
- Diet Pepsi (Jen’s not mine)
- and a bunch of to-go boxes that have probably turned into science experiments as well

5 Things In My Closet
- A tote filled with Christmas lights and bedding
- 16 ties that really don’t match anything else I own
- 8 pairs of wearable shoes
- At least 6 different clothes with plaid on them
- A black and pink checker-boarded dress

5 Things In My Workbag/Backpack/Purse
Yep this is for my backpack.
- Two books (The Fuck-Up By: Arthur Nersesian and The Perks of Being a Wallflower By: Stephen Chbosky)
- a notebook
- An Athens Boys choir Patch, not sure why in the backpack instead of on it.
- A package of high-lighters
- A fossilized piece of a squid (a present from a friend)

5 Things In My CarWell,
I don’t have a car so this one is kind of pointless

5 People I Tag
- Jim
- Benny K
- Brian
- Bri
- Mat

Plus One- Michael J. Fox

And Maybe There is a God…

The news came this morning from my roommates on the couch, after my shower. The Federal Marriage Amendment was defeated today. They had to get a two thirds vote to send it to the Senate. The voting today ended in 49-48. But knowing out “fearless leader” this won’t stop him in trying to push this through congress. If this goes through in the future the measure will deny marriage to same-sex couples and seriously threaten civil unions and domestic partnerships. We are still not in the clear though, at least 13 states have passed amendments banning gay marriage while only two -- Vermont and Connecticut -- have legalized civil unions. If we keep fighting and raising our voices, we can make a difference to let our government know that we won’t stand for discrimination in this country in any form. While I was surfing the news articles this morning I came across an article that interviewed a black clergyman that had been apart of the civil rights march on Washington. He accused gay rights activists as trying to hijack the movement saying these are not civil rights issues. I strongly disagree, civil rights issues are human rights issues, and I assure you we are all human, and to deny humanity rights is wrong.
HRC News Coverage
Gay.com News Coverage
MSN News Coverage

For some reason this got me thinking about the troops America has over in Iraq, I am not sure how the line got there but it did, to question Squid’s line of thought would be a very scary thing. Yesterday was D-Day, not many people realized that or at least what I saw anyways. I saw the 6-6-06 dooms of apocalypse, “national emo beat down day”, and the release of The Omen. But no mention of the remembrance of D-Day. Yesterday was the 62nd anniversary of the reinvasion of Europe at Normandy. Sixty-two years ago, we began the last great push in the liberation of Europe. This may have been the most idealistic moment in American history since the Civil War.

Apropos of current events, General (later President) Eisenhower wrote a draft message in the event the landings failed. It is interesting to see the changes he made from the initial version he prepared. Here's how the first draft read (more or less; he was obviously editing as he wrote):

"Our landings in the Cherbourg-Havre area have failed to gain a satisfactory foothold, and the troops have been withdrawn. This particular operation was based upon the best information available. The troops, the air and the Navy did all that Bravery and devotion to duty could do. If any blame or fault attaches to the attempt it is mine alone. "

Here's the final version:
"Our landings in the Cherbourg-Havre area have failed to gain a satisfactory foothold, and I have withdrawn the troops. My decision to attack at this time and place was based upon the best information available. The troops, the air and the Navy did all that Bravery and devotion to duty could do. If any blame or fault attaches to the attempt it is mine alone."

Note the changes and how Ike consciously took responsibility for the possible failure. Any chance we'd see a message like that today? Would Bush, or any of our Generals now take that responsibility? I doubt it.
What a wonderful leadership we are living under.

Currently listening to:
Pink feat. The Indigo Girls
“Dear Mr. President”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9eDJ3cuXKV4

And It's Here Without a Warning

In the time span of not even a month summer has hit full force. Here in Wyoming it seems like we have no gradual change in temperature from freezing to scorching. One day you think spring might be around the corner, and Mother Nature laughs at you and dumps a good four inches of snow on you that night. But it is certain now that summer is here and won't be going away for a while. Hopefully. While growing up one year it did snow on the Fourth of July while watching the fire works, it was quite bizarre and surreal as I recall.

Summer comes in with shorts and tank tops, bike riding and trying to find activities to fill the empty space between work and bed. My summer so far has been mainly filled with moving into my new apartment with my new roommate, and all of the chaos that usually goes with it. Realizing we don’t have things like tape or band-aids at the wrong time. Deciding on shelving and do we really need a (some sort of kitchen device) now? Well, not really, but it is cool and cheap right now. And of course assembling said shelving at 11:30 at night, yes, I am sure our neighbors love us. My days are spent normally sleeping in, then catching the University bus into work, staring at a computer screen for about 4 hours, riding the bus back home, cooking, watching TV, and then heading to bed. I have come to the conclusion that I am going to run out of books to read by the end of summer, so if any of you guys have suggestions let me know. I have already read four books since the end of school.

I am not really a creature of habit; I love spontaneity and having something new and different to experience. So, this summer has felt like the days are dragging on like emulsified honey that has sat in the cupboard and crystallized. Recently my nights have found me sitting on rooftops debating life, and forming some kind of jam session while people on the street pass by and must think we are crazy. Finding out that not all situations change as much as you had first thought they had. Every now and then it hits me like a sting of lemon juice in a paper cut that things have changed and along with that memories and experiences flood my thoughts. Calling up a feeling of emptiness and wondering if moving on and finding more connections will help fill that void. Instead I will take it a day at a time and remember that life seems it always has a surprise up her sleeve around the corner.

Will You Take Action?

Congress will vote on the discriminatory Federal Marriage Amendment as early as June. Your members of Congress need to hear from you!

Yes! I oppose discrimination in the Constitution

If you believe that the Federal Marriage Amendment is wrong please go to the HRC website and let your Senator's and Represenatives know. Tell them to vote no.

What I learned from this semester??

I am a worrier, I worry about everything, anything, and things that don't even concern me. I worry that I might be losing everything. I worry that somehow I've lost my rhythm.
I have heard many people tell me that I can write. I can't not really I have no points to make I just blabber on and on so when they tell me this I just shake my head. I don't know what good writing is. I'm no Emerson, Robert Frost. I'm no Shakespeare. Those people were great and knew how to connect with audiences.

In high school I was the dissident who roamed the halls, who tapped magazine clippings to her locker in a vain attempt to change the world. Who was I kidding, some how trying to raise awareness in a place no one really looks.
I told you, I'm losing everything. I'm losing them to their bullshit. I'm losing her to the pain. I'm losing me to something I can't even find.
And maybe that's the problem. I can't find it. I can't reach it. I can't quite get there. Only I'm stretching my arm until it hurts. It hurts.

The end of this semester leaves me feeling like a vase that has been shattered into a thousand pieces and meticulosly glued back together. At a quick glance no one can tell I've been broken, but after further examination you can see the little cracks, and don't fill me up with water out of fear that somehow it will leak through. I have come to the conclusion that growing up has nothing to do with hitting puberty or life experiences but rather at which point you determine your own assests.

Growing up also has to do with connections, everyday we come into contact with people. Severing connections is one of the most painful things I have to do. To know that a connection was there that now can no longer be, hurts more than diving head first into saltwater with a thousand wounds. Some days it feel like there isn't enough oxygen in the water I've been breathing. Is it even worth making connections anymore with others? With joy comes pain, because it is said that without pain we cannot truly understand and feel joy. So I could avoid pain but never really know joy? I don't think so, I don't want to believe that is true, I want to belive that we have a reason for the connections we make in our daily lives, with the friendships we forge. I sit in air conditioned rooms with boxes of words all around me. I can't stand sitting there most days because I can't move to see things better. To see people better.

It's scary to not be able to run away from yourself. In the dream you can run away from the monster, but I can't run away from myself. I can't get out of my own head. I grab my backpack and heave my black burden on my shoulders. It is my life. Those are my books. It is my backpack and I am stuffed inside, scratching at the zipper. And this is all just simple pages on my mind, nothing to take to heart.

Primavera

It seems that spring brings changes of different madnitudes each year. A time of rebirth, moving on, finishing up the year in academia. Friends graduate and move on with their lives and I will be moving on with mine into a new apartment. Can we remember to breath when the world seems spinning to fast to hold on to this time? Sunday mornings spent over breakfast warm my heart and give me hope that not all friendships die.

I've fogged up the windows again,
shooting my mouth off
and laughing a little too loud.
I promise to not keep you awake
if you promise to not kick me out.
The conditions are new
and I'm unsure of where I stand.
I promise not to get hurt,
if you promise not to keep picking me up at 3 am,
if you promise not to tell me things I don't need to know.
I promise to keep my distance
staying on my side of the fence
as long as you don't jump the pickets.

Its been an odd week. Can't find the right words to express how amazing Day of Silence was, it will come as a later post I promise. Its Friday, the last day of classes before finals, and for that I am very grateful, and I should come out of this semester with a 3.0 (keeping fingers crossed). Midnight rains spent on the balcony while the chill of rain runs through me. I am looking forward to summer, I acutally have a job I will enjoy. I am a lab assistant over the summer woohoo!! No more restaurants! At least for now anyways, just the other day I was thinking I should get a part time job in another restaurant just for the hell of it, I kinda miss the kitchen commrade. That is about it for now, hope finals and end of the semester stuff is going good for all of you guys.


I Don’t Know:
Cannot find the words to say I'm sorry
Don't know how to show you I was wrong

Wasted all that you had given to me

Now I'm left with nothing and no one

And I find it's my fault

I'm the only one to blame

For the tears and the pain

I don't know what I can say

Or would it matter anyway

'Cause I don't know how you could still forgive me

For all that I have put you through

Is there anything that I can do

All my life has lead to this decision

To return and ask you this one thing

And if I had one chance or if a million

Would it ever be enough for me

To explain what I've done

Now I know that I was wrong

Will you hold me again

I don't know what I can say

Or would it matter anyway

'Cause I don't know how you could still forgive me

For all that I have put you through

Is there anything that I can do

I would give my life to find your mercy

I don't know what I can say

Or would it matter anyway

~I Don’t Know, Third Day Album: Come Together

Knuckle Down

that's just my cowgirl alter-ego

riding on her bar room bull

dripping with the sweat of irony

as the cowboys whoop and drool

shooting glances at the mirror

to see if her scar is showing

she is truly going nowhere tonight

lecherous old lady wanna-be

much too young and shy

flailing her whole life

just thinking she can teach herself to fly

vehement romantic

frantic for forever right now

but forever's going nowhere tonight

sick of goading her self-loathing

she thinks, i think i'd better leave

'course whiskey makes me smarter

and i'm happy as can be

but please excuse me darlin

it's not you

it's me

and there's a dusty old dust storm on mars,

they say

so tonight you can't see it too clear

still i stood in line to look through their

telescope

looked like a distant ship light

as seen from a foggy pier

and i know that i was warned

still it was not what i hoped

yes i know that i was warned

still it was not what i hoped

i think i'm done gunnin to get closer

to some imagined bliss

i gotta knuckle down

and just be ok with this

i'm gonna knuckle down

just be ok with this

'course that star struck girl is already someone i miss

i swear some stuff you just see better from further away

and i think i communicate best now, the less i say

and i can't dance if the band can't play

and the vibe is going nowhere tonight

'cuz somewhere between Hollywood and its pretty happiness

and an anguish so infinite it's anybody's guess

is a place where people are all teachers

and this just one long class

and that ass will get you nowhere tonight

there's a dusty old dust storm on mars they say

so tonight you can't see it too clear

still i stood in line to look through their

telescope

looked like a distant ship light

as seen from a foggy pier

and i know that i was warned

still it was not what i hoped

yeah i know that i was warned

still it was not what i hoped

i think i'm done gunnin to get closer

to some imagined bliss

i gotta knuckle down

just be ok with this

gotta knuckle down

just be ok with this

'course that star struck girl

is already someone i miss

© 2005 ani difranco / righteous babe music

"We Interupt Our Regularly Scheduled Programming...

To bring you an inside look into the Squid's life right now. "

Spastic flailing over here...happy dances in that corner...the doom song up the stairs and to the left...DO DE DO WAFFLES!!! in the kitchen...light fixture hanging and focusing around back... drag kings at the front door...SHHH Silence is only a day away.

Oh yeah.. Hi Guys *waves and smiles* just a quick note to let you know things are going well on my end. I have been planning and preparing for the University of Wyoming's first Day of Silence(which is tomorrow for all of you in town) We are starting off the events with Shout Out Before the Shut Up this evening, and the silence will begin tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. There will also be a silent lunch in the student union from 12-1, and then of course our Breaking The Silence rally that evening at 5. I am finally getting excited about tomorrow for the longest time I was just nervous, and still excited isn't quite the right word either. We are going to be making a huge difference tomorrow here on campus. What are you doing where you are to end the silence?

I promise a more detailed post with all sorts of goodness will be posted later but for now I am off to save something or other spasitically or probably just by mere chance before tomorrow. And also check all the little details for tomorrow.

"We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming."

12 1/2 hours and I swear you would be loopy too.

Blarg! Alarm blaring in my ear the only thought in my head was that it honestly couldn't be 8:30 in the morning already, but sure enough the morning came quickly, and rolling out of bed was the hardest thing this morning especially with a little bit of a hangover. First things first cure hangover, 2 glasses of water, 3 ibuprofen, some toast, and of course a nice hot shower.

Last night I took second at the slam, which was awesome, and the after party was of course fun. I hadn't necessarily forgotten that we had tech rehearsal today I just ignored the fact. But as 9:30 finally came around I was excited about finally helping out with my first show at the University. The Student Directed One Acts will be showing tomorrow all the way through Wednesday, and I was asked if I would run the lighting board. We got to Fine Arts this morning and I was terrified that I would some how push the wrong button and the theater would implode or something, yes I know, an irrational fear, but a fear none the less. We ran cue to cue and then tech run-throughs today, and after about 9 hours of being stuck in the lighting and sound both the tech team tends to get a little loopy I have found out. By the time we got to the end of the 6th play, the booth did a lovely serenade to all of the people in the house because we were finally done, with no huge problems. YAY!!! So tonight was ended with the post-show music playing while the actors tore down set, all the while the booth singing:

"When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be." ~ Let It Be, The Beatles

Making a Difference

Saturday morning came more quickly than expected, especially since my alarm clock didn't go off, will have to check on that. I was trying to prepare for a big day, so I thought I would get up early to double check that I had everything, instead I woke up 20 minutes before Jim was suppose to pick me up. Running around half dressed throwing things into my duffel bag, a mental check list ran threw my head most important first:
Tuxedo (shirt, pants, and jacket with tails): Check
Bow-tie: Check
Cuff Links: Check
Cumber bun: Check
Hair Gel: Check
Wallet, phone, keys: Check
Books (something to do while oil gets changed): Check
PJ's: Check
Stuffed Animal Puppy: Check
Oh crap...shoes I need black shoes, and I can't wear white socks, shit...shit... ok so the socks don't exactly match but they are both black, so I through them in as well. About this time Jim drove up and I ran out the door, still feeling like I forgot half of my body. Driving down to Ft. Collins I realize it’s only the camera I had forgotten, which is semi-replaceable with a quick stop for a disposable camera.

As we drove into Denver, I didn’t know what to expect from the day, I was nervous and excited, still in awe that I was going to a dinner that could possibly have some very important people at it. We got ready and dressed for the dinner at one of Jim’s friend’s house, me not quite sure how to piece the tuxedo together and feeling uncomfortable, “Would I be too over-dressed, would I be out of place being the only girl in a suit?” Then I remembered that I may be all of those things, but that is ok because I am more comfortable in a suit than what I would be in a dress, and getting dressed up is fun for me. After a little help with the cuff links, and making sure the hair was good to go and the cumber bun was the right side up, we were off, two very handsome people, Jim and I.

We came in the back way to the Tabor Center, and self-parked so we missed seeing Fred Phelps, which I can’t say I was sad about. Walking into the lobby of where we would have dinner and seeing so many bears donated by names I recognized, names that by them donating a bear said yes I am support this foundation, I am supporting anti-hate against the LGBT community, I am pushing for acceptance of diversity throughout society, it honestly floored. I am not sure why it came as a surprise to me that so many support the “good fight”, maybe because this showed me that we really are not alone in that fight. I met people Saturday night that in my mind were the for-runners and leaders of our social movement, people to be in awe of, but Jim leaned over and said, “Remember honey, they are just people, simple as that, just like you and me.” I was introduced to representatives from GLADD, the Foundation, and people who used to work there, or works with them. Every time Jim would introduce me he would say something along the lines of, “This Brittany one of our Board members of Spectrum, and she has also organized the University’s first Day of Silence.” People congratulated me, and offered help and support, they gave their cards and said call if you need anything, they were ( I can’t find the right word, proud maybe, amazed maybe) but it was something that shocked me. By the end of the night I had the Foundation’s support, and I am suppose to drop an e-mail to them to get a box of bracelets from the Foundation to hand out at Day of Silence.

Dinner was absolutely amazing, chicken and mmm just goodness. I heard a college student accept an award for Making a Difference, and his confidence in what he has done and all that he has done made me cry, I also heard Judith Light and Robert Disiderio speak and there conviction of their beliefs put into action brought tears to my eyes as well. I met some amazing drag queens, with huge hearts, that I hope to see again in April for Wyoming Aids Walk, and made some new friends I do believe.

Saturday night made me realize that we are never alone in the fight for acceptance and understanding. What we do here at the University of Wyoming does not only make a difference here, but every where it effects the cause in a good way. What we do matters and changes societies views, granted it may be slowly, but change does happen, not only here in our community but across the country as well.
“Now, do you see Brittany, why so many people are proud of what you’ve done on campus?”

I do. Now. I am proud of the fact that I have headed the group to organize the University of Wyoming first Day of Silence. I am also very proud and grateful to everyone who has helped out along the way, the Spectrum Board, and our group members all who have huge hearts and bigger generosity.

So…The University of Wyoming will be hosting its first and hopefully annual Day of Silence on April 26th. The Day of Silence is a silent protest against the discrimination, harassment, and prejudice of anti-LGBT. But the Day of Silence Project is more than being silent for a day. It’s about raising awareness around LGBT issues, making a visible personal commitment to justice and equality. The positive and visible silence that we are creating turns the destructive silence created by homophobia and heterosexism on its head.

The last day of Spring Break and I am stuck working all day.

Oh well, probably for the better. There is snow covering the ground outside right now anyways. Leave it to Wyoming to be nice the week before spring break and dump snow on us all throughout the week of Spring Break.

Miles Driven: 1,995
Miles Walked: 16
One new tie
One new hat
A new pair of shorts
And a couple more comics

I started off Spring Break with a weekend trip to Vegas. It was awesome, we got into Vegas around 1:00 in the morning on Saturday and we were all to excited and to much adrenaline pumping to actually go to bed, and since in Vegas there are people up 24 hours a day, we all got dressed up and went out on to the strip, wandered around part of Caesar’s Palace and ended up in the casino at the Excalibur until 5:30 in the morning. Walking back to our hotel at 6:00 in the morning we were rained on a little and watched the sun rise over the Strip. Saturday was spent wandering around shops and getting our tickets for KA the Cirque Du Soleil show we went and saw Saturday night. Words cannot explain the show, I was on the edge my seat the entire night with partial audience participation (mainly just actors running into the seating area), the staging and lighting were fascinating and the pyrotechniques were fabulous. The rest of the weekend was mainly more walking around.
We're not letting go this time, days wasted together can be the most valuable in a life.

I have finally gotten my leaner's permit (yes again, someday I swear I will get my license) and drove Sunday night from Vegas up to Cedar City, UT. Wednesday some of my friends decided to steal away to Ft. Collins and Denver for a couple days, so we invaded the comic book shops, video arcades, and yes had bed jumping contests in our hotel room.
To find a soul so like your own can be scary some days, hold on to those friends.

On the way to Ft. Collins, Jim called me to see what I was up to. What followed was an enormous opportunity for youth in the area. Next weekend is the Matthew Shepard foundation's "Bear to Make a Difference" Dinner in Denver, CO. Jim found out that there was a scholarship available for youth 15-20 who submitted an essay on "What Embracing Diversity means to you." There were a limited number of scholarships available, but soon after I submitted my essay I received an e-mail stating that I have been selected to attend for the 5th Annual Bear to Make a Difference Dinner and Celebrity Teddy Bear Auction. So next weekend I will find myself in Denver, again at what hopes to be an amazing evening. The dress code for the evening is black-tie optional and instead of wearing a formal dress I might be looking into renting a tux for the evening :)
I wouldn't give any of it up for second try, growing into ourselves is the greatest time of our lives. It will be hard, but there are days that make up for the rest of them.



On a more solemn note, back in February I lost a good friend of mine that lived in Jackson. I received the news on a Sunday that Travis had been found dead by his mom in his bedroom. Travis was one of my dear friends and my best friend Sarah's boyfriend. He had taught me how to skateboard, and introduced me to Tool. When Sarah figured she had no other options except to runaway in the 8th grade she stole away to Travis's house in Jackson for about a week and half, and I went with her. Travis was one of the most caring, easy-going guys I've known. In 2003 Travis was diagnosed with HIV. It was the most difficult thing for him to swallow. Shortly there after I lost contact with him as did most other people. Last December the HIV had developed into full blown AIDS, Travis couldn't handle it and took his own life. This though is to the Travis I knew, to the inventor of the sign GAME CROSSING game (Parcheesi, and Sorry), to sneaking into movies and love a of snowboarding, who taught me to play Grand Theft Auto, and how to unlock all of the secret codes in Tony Hawk's Skateboarding. To contemplating why the stars really existed (to be full of beauty on dark nights when you cannot find yourself) To the guy full of love.
“Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life” ~The Fray

Excerpts From Traveling to the Heartland.

1/3/06 7:24 a.m. Central Time

We are rolling into Hastings, NE, and the sun is just now rising. Hastings seems bigger than I would have imagined, but still familiar, local, and rural. The stop here for the train is brief and on our way out of town we pass a pharmacy and cafe that look like they could have been a still frame from the '70's. It made me smile for some reason like a piece of life frozen in time. We ride past early morning traffic cruising along side of the train, trying to avoid the chill of the frozen dew that is covering everything here in Nebraska this morning.
As the sun rises it reveals fog and haze covering crops and fields that stretch out flat for miles on end. The sky has a grey orange tint to it that makes it look ominous if it wasn’t for the florescent pink and orange clouds scattering the horizon.
If a person could tell how the day would go from sunrises, most days would be heart-breakingly beautiful. They would be days that unfold and envelope with colors that seem new and rare, and will happen only this once just for you, a day that holds nothing but hope and promise. A sky like this one with its brush stroke colors of yellow, pink, orange, and red; trailed across an indescribable blue with wisps of a grey-purple could offer you the world and you would take it without questions or reasons. But unfortunately as the sky slowly fades into the background of dead silhouetted rows of trees, I remember that this is just another day, and I remember where I am headed and why I am on this train.
But maybe we should let the sky foretell our day. After all who would know better how the days is going to go besides the force that brings your days around.



Well the sun rose with so many colors
It nearly broke my heart
And worked me over like a work of art
And I was a part of all that

So go ahead, push your luck
Say what it is you've got to say to me
We will push on into that mystery
And it'll push right back
And there are worse things than that

'Cause for every price
And every penance that I could think of
It's better to have fallen in love
Than never to have fallen at all

'Cause when you live in a world
Well it gets in to who you thought you'd be
And now I laugh at how the world changed me
I think life chose me after all
- Dar Williams, After All

WOOOO!!! CLASSES!!!

I have now gone to all of my classes except one which only meets Thursday evenings. I may be the biggest dork in the world for saying this but I am so excited to be back in school. My theater classes are going to be awesome, you know it is going to be a good class when the teacher lectures that his goal for the semester is to offend everyone in the class at least once. My history professor is sort of monotone, so Ainsley, Jessi, and myself have promised to poke each other in class to make sure we are not elsewhere. English eventhough it is at 8:10 in the morning should be good, the teacher is seems really good, and hopefully my grammer and writing technique will improve greatly. Hopefully my Women Studies course is not to overwhelming on Thursday.

As you probably figured since have been to my classes I made it back from Chicago. I made it back all in one piece, but the FAFSA still isn't signed. All of the information has been filled out and sent in, but instead of printing out the signature paper and mailing it in, they sent out for a PIN and now have to wait until that comes back in the mail. We will see how that goes.
Wicked was amazing. I can't even begin to describe the play. The energy from the time I stepped into the theater, was a full buzz of excitment from everyone there. While standing outside the theater in line, a guy came up to me and asked if I would be able to take a picture of him and his friends. Of course I said yes, took the picture and went back to standing in line, and the next thing I know is the same guy is walking back to me. He just gives me a hug and goes back inside. Random hugs are great.

Three Years...too short...or too long?

My train leaves Unoin Station in Denver for Chicago in about 7 hrs and 10 minutes. I am all packed, have my outfit for Wicked, I thought about taking my suit to wear but decided that might not be the best idea or way to handle the situation. My train survival kit from Ainsley and Lauren has been rearranged into my backpack. I am having to remind myself to breathe. I am terrified to see my mom again because a part of me still wants her love and acceptance, I know its almost not worth it but she is still my mom. I realized today that I haven't seen her in three years.