A decade. Ten small trips around the sun. Ten years ago I was 11 and in 6th grade, and to me back then ten years seemed like an eternity. There were so many other things to get through first, the horrible years of middle school that were so awkward and rough. High school, 16th birthdays, driver’s licenses, 18th birthdays, graduation. College wasn’t even a thought on my mind back then. I was trying to find my own niche again. The one I had in elementary school with my boys; John, Christian, Cory, Jonathen, and Curtis was being dissolved. I was no longer allowed to be “one of the guys”. The social structure of friendships was rapidly changing with the onset of puberty, and I was being left behind. We had all spent that summer together rebuilding our fort in the park that had been damaged by winter, floating the creek, and making our own scenes to Warriors of Virtue(yes we were obsessed, and geeky. we had seen it the fall before and couldn’t get enough of it) Once school started things started to change, we tried hanging out still but once the others girls in my grade knew I was still spending the nights with all of them, they started spreading viscous rumors that I was sleeping with all of them. I was hurt and offended, but apparently that’s what boys and girls were supposed to do together in middle school. So, slowly the boys and I started to drift.
Ten years ago a young man on the other side of the state from me lost his life. I remember first hearing about it. A young man who was attending college at UW had been horribly beaten. That was how my homeroom teacher put it. She was late and had came in crying, all puffy-eyed, red nose, and blotchy. I remember thinking what could be so horrible that our teacher is crying in front of us. She was so upset when she explained what had happened; a kid named Matthew Shepard had been beaten almost to death and left tied to a fence. She told us no matter what, it is not ok to hurt someone, taunt someone, tease or call names at someone who is different. I could understand that, I felt so different from my peers those first couple months of middle school. I didn’t know then that I would turn out to be very similar to Matthew Shepard, coming out my freshman year of college, I had no clue back then that my differences could be that I was queer. I know now the reason why my home room teacher took it so hard, was that her only son, I think about the same age as Matt was gay too, he didn’t attend UW, but now looking back I can understand how hard that must have hit her.
I didn’t know how to process any of this. I would have gone and talked to my dad about it but it was my mom’s week, and there was no way I was talking to her. That summer we had moved in with her latest boyfriend on a ranch a couple miles outside town. I took the bus home as normal, went about my chores of feeding the chickens, shoveling out the stalls, and piling hey bails on the truck so I didn’t have to do the next morning when I went to feed the horses. That night as the three of us, my mom, her boyfriend, and I ate dinner and watched the news, the same story was on. I watched wanting to cry, but something told me that was not a good idea. After the story finished we were all silent, and the boyfriend point blank looked at the TV and said, “The fag deserved it.” That was the end of the discussion, never to be talked about again in that house.
A lot has changed in my life in ten years. I moved away from my family. Became a liberal college student *laughs*. I came to terms with my own sexuality and came out. I go to the same school that Matt attended for a few short months, and now I work to better this place, not only for Matt but every gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender student on this campus. So they know that this is a safe place for them. I have always wanted to change the world. That was what I would answer as what I wanted to be when I grew up in elementary school, someone who changed the world. I want the world to be a safer place for my kids (if I ever have any, god forbid) than I grew up in, no matter what. I am working for a safer place for not just queer folks, but people of race, and different religions, I work to fight all forms of discrimination. We have to act up and speak out in our lives or nothing is ever going to change.
A lot of focus has been on the ten year anniversary of Matt’s death. And some people have been angry that not more has changed, that there is no monument to Matt, but there is more to it than that. It is the little things in our everyday lives. The fact that last week I walked past a group of students in the classroom building and a kid had said, “That’s so gay.” And one of his friends turned on him and told him if he was to be in her presence he could never use that phrase again. The fact that we have more and more people coming out, and at ever younger ages. Yes, there is still violence and hate in this world, but we are working on it, and I hope you help us. Don’t put up with intolerance, hell don’t even put up with tolerance lets strive for celebrating, for embracing one another no matter how different we are.
I came out to my mom this summer, and she didn’t disown me like I was terrified she would. Instead she told me over the phone, “that’s ok, that’s fine. So it’s a big deal, wait no, it’s not a big deal. You are still my daughter and I still love you.” She was supportive of me, the first in a very very long time. So you see things can change, no I haven’t come out to the boyfriend who is now my stepfather, but maybe with time, we’ll see. I am seeing change all across this country and it is amazing. I met people last week who were the same age as me and had come out in middle school, went through getting beat up, and is now speaking to campuses about the need to fight hate and injustice.
So, today what are you doing to fight discrimination, are you letting people get away with slurs, and name calling? Let people know you’re ok with them just the way they are, and they couldn’t be more beautiful for it. Oh and by the way we can’t fight fire with fire, so yelling and beating back is no way to fix our problem of intolerance k? Just an fyi.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.” –Thomas Jefferson, The Declaration of Independence.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Friday, October 03, 2008
Don't Vote.
Go ahead don't vote, it's not really that important anyways right?
Seriously! This is one most cruicial elections to date.
I don't care who you vote for, so long as you vote, so!
Get out there register, and vote!
Seriously! This is one most cruicial elections to date.
I don't care who you vote for, so long as you vote, so!
Get out there register, and vote!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Changing
Yes I know the font is a little out of wack at the moment. I screwed up my html and so decided to screw it all, and just start over with a new template. It will take me some time to figure out the new layout...I'll try to make it quick...stupid templates...html....blah....in the meantime another update:
This week has been pretty good. I had my first German test on Monday, and got the test back today. I got a 96 on the test...oh yeah you heard that right, I'll have German girls swooning over me in no time with my ability to talk in German....ok well maybe that is just my fantasy :)
The rest of school is going, the weather's been great this week.
And! A link to a movie trailer...the trailer almost had me in tears, can't wait to see the movie:
http://www.towleroad.com/2008/09/milk-trailer-no.html
This week has been pretty good. I had my first German test on Monday, and got the test back today. I got a 96 on the test...oh yeah you heard that right, I'll have German girls swooning over me in no time with my ability to talk in German....ok well maybe that is just my fantasy :)
The rest of school is going, the weather's been great this week.
And! A link to a movie trailer...the trailer almost had me in tears, can't wait to see the movie:
http://www.towleroad.com/2008/09/milk-trailer-no.html
Monday, September 08, 2008
Getting Back to the Heart.
For months now, I have tried to find something to write about on here. I’ve moved around a lot this summer, no not cities, just different houses. Over Labor Day weekend one of my theatre friends and I found a great deal on an apartment just two blocks away from campus. I’m excited about the house, and plans of costume parties, dinners, and just hanging out in our place. It’s nice to be getting settled in again. There are piles of boxes in the dining room, and I still haven’t moved my dresser in yet, but slowly things are starting to come together.
I’ve been dating a girl for about 4 months now. It’s been an interesting go. I’ve known her for a few years. We met back when I was living at Flock Hall 1. I had the biggest crush on her, but she turned me down when I told her I liked her, because when we first met the first thing she asked me was “Are you gay?” We were hanging out with a bunch of friends, friends who I was not yet out to, so I clumsily denied it. So she made herself not like me.
This is the longest relationship I’ve had. It has been difficult at times because I feel like we’re not quite on the same intellectual level, although she is always eager to try to learn. I don’t know if this is to impress me and my friends, or it that she really does want to learn. She graduated high school, and never made any attempt to go to college, she’s happy working a 9-5 job, but I don’t know what she wants from life. I’m also unsure of where I want this relationship to go. I know that once I graduate, I’m leaving Laramie. I think she is ready to, not necessarily settle down, but get a house and start building a life. It is hard for me to say this, but I don’t know if I can see her in my life in the future, two, five years down the road. Don’t get me wrong, this summer was amazing. We spoil each other, make each other laugh, but something seems missing and I’m not sure what it is.
Speaking of relationships, one of my very good friends has found himself an amazing boyfriend. It’s been wonderful to see their relationship bloom. If you want to read about it, and get all giddy, go congratulate him over here.
I picked up a second job this semester doing data entry work. So, I am now working 30 hours a week, and talking 14 credits. It not as horrible as it sounds, I still get to do homework in the computer labs, and get most of my weekends free. I hope to be working on two productions, the student one acts, and the dance show.
I’ll try updating more often. Things have been hectic for a while, but I think a calm in the storm is coming.
As a human race we are always evolving, changing to the environment around us. We grow as people, hopefully for the better. Experiences have a way of opening our eyes to seeing something different. Remember to try and go with the flow, it’s a little easier that way, and never let yourself get stepped on or used, that one was a hard one to learn at the end of this summer. Remember your value as a human being, and never let anyone take that away from you.
I’ve been dating a girl for about 4 months now. It’s been an interesting go. I’ve known her for a few years. We met back when I was living at Flock Hall 1. I had the biggest crush on her, but she turned me down when I told her I liked her, because when we first met the first thing she asked me was “Are you gay?” We were hanging out with a bunch of friends, friends who I was not yet out to, so I clumsily denied it. So she made herself not like me.
This is the longest relationship I’ve had. It has been difficult at times because I feel like we’re not quite on the same intellectual level, although she is always eager to try to learn. I don’t know if this is to impress me and my friends, or it that she really does want to learn. She graduated high school, and never made any attempt to go to college, she’s happy working a 9-5 job, but I don’t know what she wants from life. I’m also unsure of where I want this relationship to go. I know that once I graduate, I’m leaving Laramie. I think she is ready to, not necessarily settle down, but get a house and start building a life. It is hard for me to say this, but I don’t know if I can see her in my life in the future, two, five years down the road. Don’t get me wrong, this summer was amazing. We spoil each other, make each other laugh, but something seems missing and I’m not sure what it is.
Speaking of relationships, one of my very good friends has found himself an amazing boyfriend. It’s been wonderful to see their relationship bloom. If you want to read about it, and get all giddy, go congratulate him over here.
I picked up a second job this semester doing data entry work. So, I am now working 30 hours a week, and talking 14 credits. It not as horrible as it sounds, I still get to do homework in the computer labs, and get most of my weekends free. I hope to be working on two productions, the student one acts, and the dance show.
I’ll try updating more often. Things have been hectic for a while, but I think a calm in the storm is coming.
As a human race we are always evolving, changing to the environment around us. We grow as people, hopefully for the better. Experiences have a way of opening our eyes to seeing something different. Remember to try and go with the flow, it’s a little easier that way, and never let yourself get stepped on or used, that one was a hard one to learn at the end of this summer. Remember your value as a human being, and never let anyone take that away from you.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
When there are no words.
My voice. My voice comes and goes, and gets lost within everyone else’s. I lose the need to write, and ignore what I need to say most of the time. I could/should use this space to talk about happenings in the queer community, progress that has been made, and the setbacks we’ve faced this year. I could rant about politics and endorse who I am voting for. There are many other blogs out there that put those things into words better than I could.
I feel stuck in limbo at the moment. Waiting to hear back on things, waiting to see if relationships evolve, waiting to see what spring change is bringing for me. I hate waiting; I think we all do a lot of the time. It is in our waiting though a lot of the time, we lose sight of the present and reality around us. Enjoy the moments that waiting bring.
This weekend is the Bear to Make a Difference Dinner down in Denver. I had the opportunity to attend the dinner on “scholarship” (plates are $175) two years ago and it was amazing to be a part of a bigger change. This year I paid for my plate, and couldn’t be any more excited. Jim is a table captain and we will be joined with many great friends from the Denver area.
Spring Break has come and gone. I got caught up on sleep, and spent this past weekend down in Denver with MightyMightyM. He got his first ink done this weekend and it looks awesome! Had some wonderful Sushi and ate sooo much…to the point I don’t even wanna think about fish at the moment, and I love Sushi! This also means that we are past mid-semester barreling towards the end of the school year oh in basically a month.
I leave you all with some random thoughts:
The heavenly rock material that you have imbedded in my skin
is causing day dreams into outer space.
Your star graffiti-ed skin covering me
has left behind some star dust matter,
leaving me sprinkled with brilliant sparkles.
Twilight sunrises and the brilliance of solar rays are seen
somewhat differently through your galaxy.
I spend evenings testing the cosmos,
searching for hints of your matter left behind,
Trying to measure distance, time and space,
multiplying speeds of light and gravity,
Trying to reach my arms across the universe and galaxies
to grab on to part of your star-light,
Trying to locate you geographically, through star charts and graphs,
when gravity and alternate dimensions don’t match.
I should aim my focus to more earthly things
I need to quit star gazing for a while
keep my thoughts from wandering into other galaxies.
But part of human nature is to stare in awe
up into the sky and wonder what is out there.
So I’ll find my navigational star and protector Orion,
Follow the last traces, and known where about specks of your stardust
and trace my way from there.
I feel stuck in limbo at the moment. Waiting to hear back on things, waiting to see if relationships evolve, waiting to see what spring change is bringing for me. I hate waiting; I think we all do a lot of the time. It is in our waiting though a lot of the time, we lose sight of the present and reality around us. Enjoy the moments that waiting bring.
This weekend is the Bear to Make a Difference Dinner down in Denver. I had the opportunity to attend the dinner on “scholarship” (plates are $175) two years ago and it was amazing to be a part of a bigger change. This year I paid for my plate, and couldn’t be any more excited. Jim is a table captain and we will be joined with many great friends from the Denver area.
Spring Break has come and gone. I got caught up on sleep, and spent this past weekend down in Denver with MightyMightyM. He got his first ink done this weekend and it looks awesome! Had some wonderful Sushi and ate sooo much…to the point I don’t even wanna think about fish at the moment, and I love Sushi! This also means that we are past mid-semester barreling towards the end of the school year oh in basically a month.
I leave you all with some random thoughts:
The heavenly rock material that you have imbedded in my skin
is causing day dreams into outer space.
Your star graffiti-ed skin covering me
has left behind some star dust matter,
leaving me sprinkled with brilliant sparkles.
Twilight sunrises and the brilliance of solar rays are seen
somewhat differently through your galaxy.
I spend evenings testing the cosmos,
searching for hints of your matter left behind,
Trying to measure distance, time and space,
multiplying speeds of light and gravity,
Trying to reach my arms across the universe and galaxies
to grab on to part of your star-light,
Trying to locate you geographically, through star charts and graphs,
when gravity and alternate dimensions don’t match.
I should aim my focus to more earthly things
I need to quit star gazing for a while
keep my thoughts from wandering into other galaxies.
But part of human nature is to stare in awe
up into the sky and wonder what is out there.
So I’ll find my navigational star and protector Orion,
Follow the last traces, and known where about specks of your stardust
and trace my way from there.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
"Hour follows hour, like water follows water."
Wow, its already Wednesday. It's already the end of February. It's already time to start rehearsing for Short by Skirts. It's already spring? No, I shouldn't say that yet, it is way too soon for Wyoming to be saying that.
It's been unseasonably warm around here recently, with some bone chilling frigid days stuck in between. We've already got spring fever and we have at least two more snow storms to get through...hell it's not even mid-semester yet. The weather, this time of year, all make me restless, things are moving and growing, and I want to be a part of it. There is something going on in the cosmos, something is changing in our world we can all feel it. This political season has been the most active one in a very long time, hell, Wyoming even gets to possibly make a difference in candidates, and that never happens!
Violence has been brewing across the nation; the country is in a place of unrest. I am restless, wanting to go, and move and spread my arms. I want to be a part of whatever is happening.
If I'm not careful, we’ll be knee deep in the end of the semester. I need to remember to focus more on the here and now. I am still getting all of my work done for school and what not, but my head is in the clouds, fantasizing the world away.
This past weekend was spent down in Denver again. There was a night of Rockband. Making grilled cheese sandwiches at 1 o’clock in the morning. Flirting with a girl. An experiment in a fabulous kitchen with all amenities, and wonderful martinis. Time spent cuddling with my favorite pug. And the reminder that good friends with the intention of having fun no matter the circumstances, turns out for a pretty awesome weekend.
It's been unseasonably warm around here recently, with some bone chilling frigid days stuck in between. We've already got spring fever and we have at least two more snow storms to get through...hell it's not even mid-semester yet. The weather, this time of year, all make me restless, things are moving and growing, and I want to be a part of it. There is something going on in the cosmos, something is changing in our world we can all feel it. This political season has been the most active one in a very long time, hell, Wyoming even gets to possibly make a difference in candidates, and that never happens!
Violence has been brewing across the nation; the country is in a place of unrest. I am restless, wanting to go, and move and spread my arms. I want to be a part of whatever is happening.
If I'm not careful, we’ll be knee deep in the end of the semester. I need to remember to focus more on the here and now. I am still getting all of my work done for school and what not, but my head is in the clouds, fantasizing the world away.
This past weekend was spent down in Denver again. There was a night of Rockband. Making grilled cheese sandwiches at 1 o’clock in the morning. Flirting with a girl. An experiment in a fabulous kitchen with all amenities, and wonderful martinis. Time spent cuddling with my favorite pug. And the reminder that good friends with the intention of having fun no matter the circumstances, turns out for a pretty awesome weekend.
Monday, February 18, 2008
What The World Is Coming To...
*Warning: This post contains elements of society that might cause hopelessness and sadness*
Something has been on my mind for the past couple weeks. Violence, hate, bigotry. Nouns, that seem to define parts of us, our communities, our schools. In the past two weeks there have been three school shootings. Three in two weeks...I remember as a kid there were no school shootings, and then Columbine happened...and now a days it seems like we can't even go a couple months in between violence.
The first one happened in Louisiana. A female college student shot two other classmates, and then herself. It was a Friday morning and now three lives are lost and we don't know why. Then came the second school shooting that not many people are hearing about. A boy in junior high was shoot point blank, in front of at least 20 other classmates. They are not exactly sure why, but rumor has it, it was because he was gay, and openly feminine. What kind of hate fuels that, to shoot someone especially in front of your classmates, is it to make a point? And then the third, the one we all heard about. One that echoed the shooting of last April at the Virginia Tech campus, a little too loudly for comfort. A man on Valentine's day burst into a class room at Northern Illinios Univeristy and open fired on the class. There are now 7 dead from this shooting.
The thing that kills me is for two of these we will never really know why it happened. I don't know why I need to know, but I do. For some reason, an explanation would help ease my mind. Where do we learn this kind of blind hatred? Was is hatred that fueled these shootings? I suppose we learn it in the home from parents and grandparents, from classmates that were also taught to hate. But why and when did hate become part of the human race's vocabulary? Why in this day and age is it still apart of our vocabulary? I know people as a whole have been warring over stupid things for hundreds, thousands of years...but this? This is ridiculous. And it hurts to hear, hurts because there is not much we can do but lead by example, and be images of love for others. But is it enough? I don't think so. It is scary to think that suicides where you take out a bunch of people with you are becoming so... I hate to say it mainstream.
There is hope though. There always has to be. The protest kids from Oxnard, CA put together in three days that produced over 1,000 protestors gives me hope.
So today...tell someone you love them. Give out extra hugs, show a little more kindness. And let people know they're accepted here in this life, this world.
Something has been on my mind for the past couple weeks. Violence, hate, bigotry. Nouns, that seem to define parts of us, our communities, our schools. In the past two weeks there have been three school shootings. Three in two weeks...I remember as a kid there were no school shootings, and then Columbine happened...and now a days it seems like we can't even go a couple months in between violence.
The first one happened in Louisiana. A female college student shot two other classmates, and then herself. It was a Friday morning and now three lives are lost and we don't know why. Then came the second school shooting that not many people are hearing about. A boy in junior high was shoot point blank, in front of at least 20 other classmates. They are not exactly sure why, but rumor has it, it was because he was gay, and openly feminine. What kind of hate fuels that, to shoot someone especially in front of your classmates, is it to make a point? And then the third, the one we all heard about. One that echoed the shooting of last April at the Virginia Tech campus, a little too loudly for comfort. A man on Valentine's day burst into a class room at Northern Illinios Univeristy and open fired on the class. There are now 7 dead from this shooting.
The thing that kills me is for two of these we will never really know why it happened. I don't know why I need to know, but I do. For some reason, an explanation would help ease my mind. Where do we learn this kind of blind hatred? Was is hatred that fueled these shootings? I suppose we learn it in the home from parents and grandparents, from classmates that were also taught to hate. But why and when did hate become part of the human race's vocabulary? Why in this day and age is it still apart of our vocabulary? I know people as a whole have been warring over stupid things for hundreds, thousands of years...but this? This is ridiculous. And it hurts to hear, hurts because there is not much we can do but lead by example, and be images of love for others. But is it enough? I don't think so. It is scary to think that suicides where you take out a bunch of people with you are becoming so... I hate to say it mainstream.
There is hope though. There always has to be. The protest kids from Oxnard, CA put together in three days that produced over 1,000 protestors gives me hope.
So today...tell someone you love them. Give out extra hugs, show a little more kindness. And let people know they're accepted here in this life, this world.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Really? With all the pinks and reds?
Yes, my dear friends it's that time again. A holiday put into place by chocolate manufactures and florists. No, no I'm not bitter...ok well maybe just a little bit....but maybe this will help explain...at the very least it sums up perfectly how I feel about Valentine’s Day.
p.s. Thank you Flynn for the Valentine's card, it was very sweet. :)
Hallmark Holocaust
I was creating my own valentine with a gun in my mouth
but it was you who proceeded to deny candy hearts and Hershey kisses.
You told me we were already too deluded with the buzz of artificial sweetener.
Yes, we are. Aren't we?
Society lets us know Valentine's Day is important.
It's all about the diamonds.
The hearts. The love. The red.
Red is the color of impulse
but isn't it also the same shade as blood?
How often and how much can you bleed
before it is significant enough for the one
you are trying to make your significant other?
Cupid cried and cried and cried
when some people realized diamonds don't mean shit
and Hallmark cards make you
embark on some masterminded marketing scheme
making us say things we think
but don't always mean.
"I love him, I love him, I love him."
one girl shouted into the darkness
on a playground of the suicidal February weather.
She slit her wrists and plotted Romeo storylines
but the truth of the matter was that she was alone.
Again. In the cold. Now bleeding, dying. For what? Love?
Hallmark never made cards for the broken hearted.
The lonely. The desperate.
They strive for the optimistic-planting conversation hearts
in the lower region of our hypothalamus
hoping it clicks is tune with our biological clock
reading "Be Mine" and "Me 4 U"
Yes. That's it. Conversation hearts proving once again that yes,
As a society as a whole we are stupid.
Unable to create our own diversions to the ones we truly care about.
Oh Shit! It's February 14th and I've had all year to tell her how I feel
but it's all so easy to do today because Wal-Mart is supplying
CHOCOLATE CANDY IN THE SHAPE OF HEARTS
FOR ONLY $5.99 A BAG, AND HOLY SHIT IS THAT A GOOD DEAL
WHEN YOU'RE BARGAINING WITH
YOUR DEEPEST THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS FOR THE ONE YOU LOVE.
And the ones who are waiting in line to be employed by matrimony
will simply call me a pessimist.
"God, you're cynical, get fucked!"
Okay. Maybe so.
I'm not saying those who participate in these rituals are completely ignorant
or sidetracked by what our culture is deeming as a priority.
I'm simply stating why can't every day be Valentine's Day?
Please God, minus the emphasis on reds and pinks.
Hearts and flowers.
If you care for someone, shouldn't you let them know
whenever the thought strikes that the appreciation is there?
Just saying.
~B.A.S.
p.s. Thank you Flynn for the Valentine's card, it was very sweet. :)
Hallmark Holocaust
I was creating my own valentine with a gun in my mouth
but it was you who proceeded to deny candy hearts and Hershey kisses.
You told me we were already too deluded with the buzz of artificial sweetener.
Yes, we are. Aren't we?
Society lets us know Valentine's Day is important.
It's all about the diamonds.
The hearts. The love. The red.
Red is the color of impulse
but isn't it also the same shade as blood?
How often and how much can you bleed
before it is significant enough for the one
you are trying to make your significant other?
Cupid cried and cried and cried
when some people realized diamonds don't mean shit
and Hallmark cards make you
embark on some masterminded marketing scheme
making us say things we think
but don't always mean.
"I love him, I love him, I love him."
one girl shouted into the darkness
on a playground of the suicidal February weather.
She slit her wrists and plotted Romeo storylines
but the truth of the matter was that she was alone.
Again. In the cold. Now bleeding, dying. For what? Love?
Hallmark never made cards for the broken hearted.
The lonely. The desperate.
They strive for the optimistic-planting conversation hearts
in the lower region of our hypothalamus
hoping it clicks is tune with our biological clock
reading "Be Mine" and "Me 4 U"
Yes. That's it. Conversation hearts proving once again that yes,
As a society as a whole we are stupid.
Unable to create our own diversions to the ones we truly care about.
Oh Shit! It's February 14th and I've had all year to tell her how I feel
but it's all so easy to do today because Wal-Mart is supplying
CHOCOLATE CANDY IN THE SHAPE OF HEARTS
FOR ONLY $5.99 A BAG, AND HOLY SHIT IS THAT A GOOD DEAL
WHEN YOU'RE BARGAINING WITH
YOUR DEEPEST THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS FOR THE ONE YOU LOVE.
And the ones who are waiting in line to be employed by matrimony
will simply call me a pessimist.
"God, you're cynical, get fucked!"
Okay. Maybe so.
I'm not saying those who participate in these rituals are completely ignorant
or sidetracked by what our culture is deeming as a priority.
I'm simply stating why can't every day be Valentine's Day?
Please God, minus the emphasis on reds and pinks.
Hearts and flowers.
If you care for someone, shouldn't you let them know
whenever the thought strikes that the appreciation is there?
Just saying.
~B.A.S.
Saturday, February 02, 2008
It's True!
See! Ha, more proof that Apples are the root of all evil.
Yes, this comic is like looking into a horrible nightmare for me. I love it though!!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
bleh...
It seems as though I am a carrier for the plague. Or at least the chest cold kind of plague. I came down with being sick on Friday, and it has not really let up since. I went to the doctor this morning and found out that it is bronchitis....wooo! Am at work for an hour, then home to take codine and sleep hopefully. I emailed my profs to let them know. I even managed to get the entire house sick it seems like....I really didn't mean too...sorry guys. So for your own good, I have been keeping to myself, or trying to at least.
There are other things to post about, like the holiday weekend trip to Denver over Martin Luther King Jr. Weekend. How classes are going, and what not. But all that I can really focus on right now is not trying to cough on the users, and crazy cold med dreams.
*stumbles off to find a pillow*
There are other things to post about, like the holiday weekend trip to Denver over Martin Luther King Jr. Weekend. How classes are going, and what not. But all that I can really focus on right now is not trying to cough on the users, and crazy cold med dreams.
*stumbles off to find a pillow*
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
A post.
Fine, I’ll post. It won’t be pretty though. :P
Winter break is nearly over. These last few days are left trying to keep some sense of rest in them. Gearing up for a new semester, one where I will have no theater classes, but will still probably be just as busy with my 15 hours of English Lit classes. The holidays were spent here in town, with lots of old friends. Days were spent sleeping in, staying up too late, and playing lots of video games. Days would go by where we wouldn’t leave the house except maybe a quick trip to the grocery store for food. It was one of the best holidays I have had in quite some time. It was nice to just be with people and reconnect with old friends. Then there was the great Flock Christmas extravaganza. It was wonderful being able to celebrate a holiday that is so close to my heart, with so many friends.
New Years came and went with somewhat of a bang. Jim and I were yet again off to the Emerald City (Denver) for a weekend of frolicking in urban-goodness. It always good to escape to the city for weekends like that. Hanging out with the Denver kids is always a hoot and well certain bartenders are always fun to see. I know you are probably expecting some sort of New Year’s resolution, but really I don’t have one. It is not that I am opposed to them as some people are; I just have never made any. Maybe mine this year should be: I resolve not to date crazy girls anymore. Or focus more on my writing. Or blog more often. Or stand up to my mother for once. Or remember to send thank you cards. Write an actual letter to someone. Read more books. Work out on a regular basis. I will probably try and work on these things as I always try to do at the beginning of semesters, but if I call them New Year’s resolutions, they really won’t get done because I will be jaded about them. So I will stick to working on bettering myself, for myself.
It’s also official that the girl and I have broken up. It wasn’t a bad break up; there were no tears really, which is good. It is just that we are in two different places that don’t mesh well together. She wants kids and promises of forever. I don’t want kids, and I can’t promise forever to anyone or anything, forever is too permanent for me. Maybe that makes me a bad person somehow, but forever is a long time, and change is the one thing I stand by. I wanted affection, cuddles and adventure. To turn left when we should have turned right and end up stranded with a flat tire and no gas. She wanted stability instead and needs to always be prepared for everything. So I am back to being single. Maybe this will be a good thing at the start of a new year. Focus on centering myself and finding myself again. I find that when dating someone, we always end up sort of getting lost in them and need to figure us out again before we can move on.
Here’s to a new year. May yours be filled with more joy and less sorrow than the last. And may you always be surrounded by friends and loved ones.
Winter break is nearly over. These last few days are left trying to keep some sense of rest in them. Gearing up for a new semester, one where I will have no theater classes, but will still probably be just as busy with my 15 hours of English Lit classes. The holidays were spent here in town, with lots of old friends. Days were spent sleeping in, staying up too late, and playing lots of video games. Days would go by where we wouldn’t leave the house except maybe a quick trip to the grocery store for food. It was one of the best holidays I have had in quite some time. It was nice to just be with people and reconnect with old friends. Then there was the great Flock Christmas extravaganza. It was wonderful being able to celebrate a holiday that is so close to my heart, with so many friends.
New Years came and went with somewhat of a bang. Jim and I were yet again off to the Emerald City (Denver) for a weekend of frolicking in urban-goodness. It always good to escape to the city for weekends like that. Hanging out with the Denver kids is always a hoot and well certain bartenders are always fun to see. I know you are probably expecting some sort of New Year’s resolution, but really I don’t have one. It is not that I am opposed to them as some people are; I just have never made any. Maybe mine this year should be: I resolve not to date crazy girls anymore. Or focus more on my writing. Or blog more often. Or stand up to my mother for once. Or remember to send thank you cards. Write an actual letter to someone. Read more books. Work out on a regular basis. I will probably try and work on these things as I always try to do at the beginning of semesters, but if I call them New Year’s resolutions, they really won’t get done because I will be jaded about them. So I will stick to working on bettering myself, for myself.
It’s also official that the girl and I have broken up. It wasn’t a bad break up; there were no tears really, which is good. It is just that we are in two different places that don’t mesh well together. She wants kids and promises of forever. I don’t want kids, and I can’t promise forever to anyone or anything, forever is too permanent for me. Maybe that makes me a bad person somehow, but forever is a long time, and change is the one thing I stand by. I wanted affection, cuddles and adventure. To turn left when we should have turned right and end up stranded with a flat tire and no gas. She wanted stability instead and needs to always be prepared for everything. So I am back to being single. Maybe this will be a good thing at the start of a new year. Focus on centering myself and finding myself again. I find that when dating someone, we always end up sort of getting lost in them and need to figure us out again before we can move on.
Here’s to a new year. May yours be filled with more joy and less sorrow than the last. And may you always be surrounded by friends and loved ones.
Monday, December 17, 2007
"my hands grope for the light, my hands grope for my head."
"and i learn every room long enough
to make it to the door
and then i hear it click shut behind me" -Dilate, Ani DiFranco
Have had a slew of Ani lyrics bombarding me. Randomly walking down streets they fly past me knocking me into a new song of hers. School is done for the semester, finals are over, and one by one grades are being turned in. I don't know the official results of the lighting project yet, but the house enjoyed it when they came to watch, and I ended up getting a B in the class. Which is good because I got a C on a test and a couple quizzes. The rest of classes are going to be A’s and B’s as well, the only one I am really worried about is my Lit class, see how the final turned out.
"now use both hands/oh, no don't close your eyes/i am writing/graffiti on your body/i am drawing the story of/how hard we tried/i am watching your chest rise and fall/like the tides of my life,and the rest of it all/and your bones have been my bedframe/and your flesh has been my pillow"
This past weekend was spent in Denver with the gang down there. It was to celebrate my birthday, and was a blast. There was much with the drinking, closing of a bar or maybe two…and watching lots of cheesy horror/thriller movies thanks to Scotty.
"and now it's so hard to have faith in/anything/especially your next bold move or the next thing you're gonna need to prove/to yourself"
The holiday season is upon us. In the house we have strung up lights, and even have a Christmas tree up and decorated in our living room. It is a time for rest, recharge, and change. But then again back to our only constant in this universe is change.
"he caresses every bottle/like it's the first one he's had/saying/it ain't love/but it ain't bad"
The following is a free write poem. Our first day in my creative writing poetry our first assignment was to write a poem, any poem, didn’t matter the content or style or structure. We folded it, the professor never looked at it, and we didn’t see it until our last day of class when our teacher handed them back to us. Out of all poems that came out of me for that class this semester, I think I actually like this one the best.
Screaming To The Wind
Words find their way to me in whispers.
Lips part, form movement, releasing sound
that is apparently meant to mean something.
The movement of understanding, the words never reach me.
Your words only come whispered to me
in the early morning hours that have yet to see light.
3am your soft voice speaking of confidences that I am suppose to keep.
“I am scared, will you help me?”
My voice cannot whisper the way yours does.
I cannot make you understand. The translation of my words
always get lost along the way, traveling from parted lips to ears with selective hearing.
How can I help you, if you are always misinterpreting my whispers,
like some game of telephone, when you repeat back to me what was said
It comes out, “Five toothpick guacamole.”
You however are not the only person’s whispers I hear.
My godmother speaks to me on the whispers of light afternoon breezes.
The faint smell of patchouli drifting along with the lyrics to an unrecognizable lullaby.
If I could truly hear her voice, the words would be booming and filled with strength.
And she would not approve of you.
And the way you tell your secrets to me.
The way you lean over the greasy diner table and bad coffee,
Whispering, “ I could never love you, but I don’t want you to go.”
My hearing is going quicker than it should,
So next time we meet over truck stop coffee
with one of your urgent pressing needs filled with secrets,
next time you fill the booth with your empty thoughts, and idle ways of using me
You won’t be able to whisper nothings into these fragile ears.
You’ll have to speak loud enough so that the wind can hear you.
-BAS 8/28/07
to make it to the door
and then i hear it click shut behind me" -Dilate, Ani DiFranco
Have had a slew of Ani lyrics bombarding me. Randomly walking down streets they fly past me knocking me into a new song of hers. School is done for the semester, finals are over, and one by one grades are being turned in. I don't know the official results of the lighting project yet, but the house enjoyed it when they came to watch, and I ended up getting a B in the class. Which is good because I got a C on a test and a couple quizzes. The rest of classes are going to be A’s and B’s as well, the only one I am really worried about is my Lit class, see how the final turned out.
"now use both hands/oh, no don't close your eyes/i am writing/graffiti on your body/i am drawing the story of/how hard we tried/i am watching your chest rise and fall/like the tides of my life,and the rest of it all/and your bones have been my bedframe/and your flesh has been my pillow"
This past weekend was spent in Denver with the gang down there. It was to celebrate my birthday, and was a blast. There was much with the drinking, closing of a bar or maybe two…and watching lots of cheesy horror/thriller movies thanks to Scotty.
"and now it's so hard to have faith in/anything/especially your next bold move or the next thing you're gonna need to prove/to yourself"
The holiday season is upon us. In the house we have strung up lights, and even have a Christmas tree up and decorated in our living room. It is a time for rest, recharge, and change. But then again back to our only constant in this universe is change.
"he caresses every bottle/like it's the first one he's had/saying/it ain't love/but it ain't bad"
The following is a free write poem. Our first day in my creative writing poetry our first assignment was to write a poem, any poem, didn’t matter the content or style or structure. We folded it, the professor never looked at it, and we didn’t see it until our last day of class when our teacher handed them back to us. Out of all poems that came out of me for that class this semester, I think I actually like this one the best.
Screaming To The Wind
Words find their way to me in whispers.
Lips part, form movement, releasing sound
that is apparently meant to mean something.
The movement of understanding, the words never reach me.
Your words only come whispered to me
in the early morning hours that have yet to see light.
3am your soft voice speaking of confidences that I am suppose to keep.
“I am scared, will you help me?”
My voice cannot whisper the way yours does.
I cannot make you understand. The translation of my words
always get lost along the way, traveling from parted lips to ears with selective hearing.
How can I help you, if you are always misinterpreting my whispers,
like some game of telephone, when you repeat back to me what was said
It comes out, “Five toothpick guacamole.”
You however are not the only person’s whispers I hear.
My godmother speaks to me on the whispers of light afternoon breezes.
The faint smell of patchouli drifting along with the lyrics to an unrecognizable lullaby.
If I could truly hear her voice, the words would be booming and filled with strength.
And she would not approve of you.
And the way you tell your secrets to me.
The way you lean over the greasy diner table and bad coffee,
Whispering, “ I could never love you, but I don’t want you to go.”
My hearing is going quicker than it should,
So next time we meet over truck stop coffee
with one of your urgent pressing needs filled with secrets,
next time you fill the booth with your empty thoughts, and idle ways of using me
You won’t be able to whisper nothings into these fragile ears.
You’ll have to speak loud enough so that the wind can hear you.
-BAS 8/28/07
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Ooo look how shiny the lights can be.
...4am can get kind of giddy in a light booth. My show is recorded though, the gels have been picked and instruments have been assigned colors. Work at 8 is stupid. Could be sleeping until noon right now. Have the piece of music my lights are set to, on repeat in my head, dreamt about it, want to smash brains now. ... ... ... ooo I wonder if I can set up a light show with the x-mas lights... *wonders off to find caffeine*
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Ah, another milestone. "Why do I remember this?"
I have made it through another milestone birthday. First there was 16 when you are suppose to be able to drive, although I didn't get my driver's license until I was 20. Then there is 18, a semi-adult in the federal governments eyes, you can buy tobacco and porn, neither of which really appeal to me. Monday was the big event of my 21st birthday. Yes, that is right Squid is no longer a baby, ok in all honesty I will probably always be the baby. The night was eventful and apparently I was a happy camper and had everyone laughing. The parts of the evening that I remember were great...I even got to open presents twice! How many people can say that? However the next morning, I didn't like being 21, and neither did my stomach, my head or my elbow. Hang overs are evil things when you have to work at 8 in the morning, but forget that and are being called by your boss to come in because you are late. The elbow though came from falling down the stairs in our house, do I remember nope not at all, but apparently one of my more famous quotes from the evening was, "Did I really bleed out of my elbow onto my shirt?" There were other events from the evening I am sure, one was I was very excited my father came drinking with us, and bought me shots! I was really excited about this for some reason...
I got some really kick ass presents. Flynn got me Guitar Hero the 80's extension pack, Linus got me a travel tea mug that brews loose leaf, which I am estatic about, there was beer brought over, and a bottle of very nice scotch which I am excited about as well, a pirrahana bottle opener, I am probably missing something at the moment, but they were all wonderful! My mother even sent me flowers which only slightly makes up for the giant stuffed elmo she sent me...only slightly.
I am knee deep in finals right now, and beginning to panic. If only I had some bright friendly letters with me at all times to remind me not to panic.
Ahhh, that is a little better. I have a huge lighting project final due at the beginning of next week, I get to focus, gel, and creat my own light show for a classical piece of music. We'll see how I am doing next week, for now I am off to put together a portfolio for poetry.
I am also worried, about the girl, my girl. She has been sick in the hospital for almost a week, with what we think is mono. So there is that to add to stress as well, but she seems to be getting a little better, we found out today that she doesn't have to have surgery, or at least at the moment. Here is to keeping fingers crossed, that she gets better quickly, we miss having her around.
To round things out here are some Haiku snippets I have been working on for my poetry class.
Plans for Life - 1) Start
from where you are. 2) Improve.
3) There is no 3.
Karmic rebirth sucks
'cause I can't stomach being
a hand-me-down soul
I am the giant
shadow of a small girl who
sits behind the sun.
I trash memories
hoping commontion's enough
for thought, emotion.
ps.
Thanks for the birthday wishes Mayren!!
I got some really kick ass presents. Flynn got me Guitar Hero the 80's extension pack, Linus got me a travel tea mug that brews loose leaf, which I am estatic about, there was beer brought over, and a bottle of very nice scotch which I am excited about as well, a pirrahana bottle opener, I am probably missing something at the moment, but they were all wonderful! My mother even sent me flowers which only slightly makes up for the giant stuffed elmo she sent me...only slightly.
I am knee deep in finals right now, and beginning to panic. If only I had some bright friendly letters with me at all times to remind me not to panic.
Ahhh, that is a little better. I have a huge lighting project final due at the beginning of next week, I get to focus, gel, and creat my own light show for a classical piece of music. We'll see how I am doing next week, for now I am off to put together a portfolio for poetry.
I am also worried, about the girl, my girl. She has been sick in the hospital for almost a week, with what we think is mono. So there is that to add to stress as well, but she seems to be getting a little better, we found out today that she doesn't have to have surgery, or at least at the moment. Here is to keeping fingers crossed, that she gets better quickly, we miss having her around.
To round things out here are some Haiku snippets I have been working on for my poetry class.
Plans for Life - 1) Start
from where you are. 2) Improve.
3) There is no 3.
Karmic rebirth sucks
'cause I can't stomach being
a hand-me-down soul
I am the giant
shadow of a small girl who
sits behind the sun.
I trash memories
hoping commontion's enough
for thought, emotion.
ps.
Thanks for the birthday wishes Mayren!!
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Life Doesn't Slow Down
So, both of the theater productions I was working on are now over. I won't know if Fur is going onto to Regionals of the American College Theater Festival until probably the end of the semester. Does that mean I am any less busy, no of course not. What was I thinking that I would have downtime? I go crazy with down time so I find ways to fill it.
Apparently it has been a good couple weeks to be a squid, a lot has happened. Have been to see to more concerts down in Colorado, both of which were some of the best I have ever been to, and yes that is really saying something. On Friday the 26th it was Architecture in Helsinki with MightyMightyM at the Ogden in Denver. These guys are a lot of fun, really dancey but odd lyrics, I love it, they make me happy. This past Saturday my good friend Kel and I took off to the hippie mountains of Boulder to see Tegan and Sara!!! It was everything I would have hoped one of their concerts would have been. Their new album is awesome, if you have ever liked them check out The Con. Northern State opened for them, and they are three chick MC's out of New York, a lot of energy, and well they fact that they were hot didn't hurt ;)
In between concerts were Halloween festivities, parties, and dates. Yes I said the magic word of 'date', but we will get to that story in a minute. I have also after 4 almost 5 years of being of age to drive, after two expired intruction permits, and endless accounts of harrasment from friends, little Squidly is finally growing up. I have my driver's license!! I passed the test with flying colors, what was I so worried about, no clue.
So now to the date. There is a new girl in my life. She is amazing, is spastic and dorky. And the funny thing is we started dating before our official first date. This Friday we will have been dating for two weeks. Somedays its creepy how much we have in common. She is also a hedgehog owner, and loves to dance, relishes in the moments where life takes your breath away, and is a psychology major.
I was interviewed for a documentary this weekend. You should go read BGJ's blog for more details. I'm headed to New York City this weekend with Mark and Fleur to see his brother in an off Broadway show, and well hang out in freakin' New York for the weekend. Coming up is Thanksgiving in the middle of our Hollowdaze season, then soon my birthday(psst the big 21), finals, Christmas, with visits from Nerdygirl and Mandyfish, and a new year, and a new semester.
I will be back quicker this time, with an update with pictures from New York when we get back next week. Until then, the good blindsides you on some idle Tuesday, wrecking your meloncholy-ness to remind you that by looking up you see a lot more, even if you do tend to trip over the cracks in the sidewalk.
Apparently it has been a good couple weeks to be a squid, a lot has happened. Have been to see to more concerts down in Colorado, both of which were some of the best I have ever been to, and yes that is really saying something. On Friday the 26th it was Architecture in Helsinki with MightyMightyM at the Ogden in Denver. These guys are a lot of fun, really dancey but odd lyrics, I love it, they make me happy. This past Saturday my good friend Kel and I took off to the hippie mountains of Boulder to see Tegan and Sara!!! It was everything I would have hoped one of their concerts would have been. Their new album is awesome, if you have ever liked them check out The Con. Northern State opened for them, and they are three chick MC's out of New York, a lot of energy, and well they fact that they were hot didn't hurt ;)
In between concerts were Halloween festivities, parties, and dates. Yes I said the magic word of 'date', but we will get to that story in a minute. I have also after 4 almost 5 years of being of age to drive, after two expired intruction permits, and endless accounts of harrasment from friends, little Squidly is finally growing up. I have my driver's license!! I passed the test with flying colors, what was I so worried about, no clue.
So now to the date. There is a new girl in my life. She is amazing, is spastic and dorky. And the funny thing is we started dating before our official first date. This Friday we will have been dating for two weeks. Somedays its creepy how much we have in common. She is also a hedgehog owner, and loves to dance, relishes in the moments where life takes your breath away, and is a psychology major.
I was interviewed for a documentary this weekend. You should go read BGJ's blog for more details. I'm headed to New York City this weekend with Mark and Fleur to see his brother in an off Broadway show, and well hang out in freakin' New York for the weekend. Coming up is Thanksgiving in the middle of our Hollowdaze season, then soon my birthday(psst the big 21), finals, Christmas, with visits from Nerdygirl and Mandyfish, and a new year, and a new semester.
I will be back quicker this time, with an update with pictures from New York when we get back next week. Until then, the good blindsides you on some idle Tuesday, wrecking your meloncholy-ness to remind you that by looking up you see a lot more, even if you do tend to trip over the cracks in the sidewalk.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
A Recap.
Working two productions at the same time sucks…a lot. I am Assistant Stage Manager for a student production. The play is called Fur by Migdalia Cruz, and we are flying the playwright out here for production week, so everything must be perfect. For the past week and a half I have also been the Master Electrician for a play on the main stage; Uncle Vanya by Anton Chekov. Now, you might think both of those titles sound very important, and they sort of are, but really being an ASM means I am a runner bitch for the PSM and the director. Being an ME is not all that cool. I do dimmer checks, which means I turn the lights on before the show and make sure nothing is burnt out, and no gels need to be changed out. There are some other small responsibilities, but nothing all that important.
I may bitch and complain and whine about having to work both of these shows, but ignore me. I love it. I love being a part of something. We put on a performance for others; we let them escape their reality to enforce a new perspective of reality. These are the first performances where I have actually been involved heavily with watching the shows from their beginnings and see them evolve into magic. That is the way one of my professors put it, we create magic for people for one night of their lives. The crew, not so much with the actors, but the crew tends to have this amazing sense of community. We never really get to see the production they way audiences see it, but we put in long hours, lots of sweat and heart into it for them.
It is tough though. I am never home. Ever. Just ask my roommates, they really haven’t seen me in a month. Okay not really, but it has only been in passing. I didn’t even know G-fresh had been sick for a couple days, a while ago. I get home after most of them have gone to bed, the only exception is when Linus and Flynn are up playing Halo into the wee hours of the morning, or they are working on the comic they forgot about.
It has been a weird season around these parts. We are used to the leaves turning color in a week, and then all of them in procession one after the other tumble to the ground in a day. Not this year. The trees are relishing in the heat, taking their time to drop their colors. Biking through the crunchy-ness of leaves with a slight crisp to the air clears my head of heavy thoughts. Normally this time of year I fall into a deep depression, but hope has been found lurking around the corners. A week of hardships and name calling, are soothed by little remembrances of love. I find comfort in the smell of patchouli this week and slight whispers on the wind, when reminded of dead loved ones, birthdays.
Talking to a good friend last night about moving forward and moving on with life, I am reminded that change is not bad. She tells me it brings growth. I tell her change is the only thing we can count on, the only thing really we can rely on. “How true. How wonderful.” She says.
In a season of change, becoming dormant, and the smell of pumpkin pies, revel in the hopes, in the movement forward, in the laughter of family, in the ties that connect us all, and in knowing that change is our only constant.
"On The Radio"
This is how it works
It feels a little worse
Than when we drove our hearse
Right through that screaming crowd
While laughing up a storm
Until we were just bone
Until it got so warm
That none of us could sleep
And all the styrofoam
Began to melt away
We tried to find some words
To aid in the decay
But none of them were home
Inside their catacomb
A million ancient bees
Began to sting our knees
While we were on our knees
Praying that disease
Would leave the ones we love
And never come again
On the radio
We heard November Rain
That solo's really long
But it's a pretty song
We listened to it twice
'Cause the DJ was asleep
This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath
No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again
-Regina Spektor, Begin to Hope
I may bitch and complain and whine about having to work both of these shows, but ignore me. I love it. I love being a part of something. We put on a performance for others; we let them escape their reality to enforce a new perspective of reality. These are the first performances where I have actually been involved heavily with watching the shows from their beginnings and see them evolve into magic. That is the way one of my professors put it, we create magic for people for one night of their lives. The crew, not so much with the actors, but the crew tends to have this amazing sense of community. We never really get to see the production they way audiences see it, but we put in long hours, lots of sweat and heart into it for them.
It is tough though. I am never home. Ever. Just ask my roommates, they really haven’t seen me in a month. Okay not really, but it has only been in passing. I didn’t even know G-fresh had been sick for a couple days, a while ago. I get home after most of them have gone to bed, the only exception is when Linus and Flynn are up playing Halo into the wee hours of the morning, or they are working on the comic they forgot about.
It has been a weird season around these parts. We are used to the leaves turning color in a week, and then all of them in procession one after the other tumble to the ground in a day. Not this year. The trees are relishing in the heat, taking their time to drop their colors. Biking through the crunchy-ness of leaves with a slight crisp to the air clears my head of heavy thoughts. Normally this time of year I fall into a deep depression, but hope has been found lurking around the corners. A week of hardships and name calling, are soothed by little remembrances of love. I find comfort in the smell of patchouli this week and slight whispers on the wind, when reminded of dead loved ones, birthdays.
Talking to a good friend last night about moving forward and moving on with life, I am reminded that change is not bad. She tells me it brings growth. I tell her change is the only thing we can count on, the only thing really we can rely on. “How true. How wonderful.” She says.
In a season of change, becoming dormant, and the smell of pumpkin pies, revel in the hopes, in the movement forward, in the laughter of family, in the ties that connect us all, and in knowing that change is our only constant.
"On The Radio"
This is how it works
It feels a little worse
Than when we drove our hearse
Right through that screaming crowd
While laughing up a storm
Until we were just bone
Until it got so warm
That none of us could sleep
And all the styrofoam
Began to melt away
We tried to find some words
To aid in the decay
But none of them were home
Inside their catacomb
A million ancient bees
Began to sting our knees
While we were on our knees
Praying that disease
Would leave the ones we love
And never come again
On the radio
We heard November Rain
That solo's really long
But it's a pretty song
We listened to it twice
'Cause the DJ was asleep
This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath
No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again
-Regina Spektor, Begin to Hope
Monday, August 20, 2007
Skeletons.
We all have them, no matter how large, or how poorly hidden they are. Dinner with my father this evening started off on an odd topic, mortality. My dad has been reflecting on his life a lot lately. He said he is not getting any younger, and is starting to think about what can be done with the life he has left to live, what can and cannot be done. My father told me he doesn't have a lot of time here left. What is that suppose to mean? How do I take that? Yes, my father is getting up there in years, and I have never expected him to live to be that old, with the way he has treated his body. One of my father's favorite lines is "If I would have none that I would have grown to be this damn old, I'd have taken better care of myself." Does my dad know something I don't? Some finalized time line that he has left on earth? My dad said he has a lot of regrets, but the regrets that most haunt late in the night when dreams tear you apart. The things that he regrets the most are the things he didn't do, never got the chance, or never got the courage to go through with. He told me this to warn me, so I wouldn't have the same regrets. He, like most of us, wants to leave something behind, to mark that he did something, to mark that at least he was here. We all want some greater meaning to this life, we are all so scarred that our mortality means nothing. He started talking about politics and he would like to do something like that, but knows that he has too many skeletons buried in his past, that are waiting to be dug up. My dad paused after he said and looked at me and said, "You poor kid, how did you survive me all these years?" Love, is how I survived him, love was the only tie stronger enough to ease the years of built up anger frustration of growing up to quickly and having to become my own parent.
Life is precious no matter how much time we think we have left. Do one thing everyday that scares you. Take the risks you never thought you could, and do the things you don't think you have time for. Cherish your loved ones, live with as little regrets as possible, even if that means stepping out of your comfort zone. Talk to the person who might have your eye, step out on a limb and make the first move. Make a list of life's to-do's and actually follow through with them, check them off. Take the time to know what you want from love, and don't settle for any less. Appreciate what you have, and the family that surrounds you. Simply live and love with every ounce of who you are.
Life is precious no matter how much time we think we have left. Do one thing everyday that scares you. Take the risks you never thought you could, and do the things you don't think you have time for. Cherish your loved ones, live with as little regrets as possible, even if that means stepping out of your comfort zone. Talk to the person who might have your eye, step out on a limb and make the first move. Make a list of life's to-do's and actually follow through with them, check them off. Take the time to know what you want from love, and don't settle for any less. Appreciate what you have, and the family that surrounds you. Simply live and love with every ounce of who you are.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Punk is Dead
There, I said it! Happy now?
Punk is dead, and has been replaced with snot–nosed white suburban asshats. Punk died the night Sid Vicious OD’d. Punk was anti-establishment, anti-mainstream, it was all about damning the man going against the pop culture, and setting your own rules. Now? Now I am left with this? Screamo, emo crap!? I like most of the music that bands like this put out to an extent. But the scene, the community, ha there is none. It is a bunch of middle class kids trying to be hip and cool, making sure they have the right fashion, which is exactly what punk was against. What happened to the anti-government, doing things our own way?
It was an angry pit last night. And not in the comradely way of fuck the man! They were angry at each other. Years spent learning passive aggressiveness from parents who bottle everything up, and the combination of too much testosterone. Yes, moshing is a time to let this out; I know this. I love this normally. But in the pit you have a sense of community, brotherhood with each other. There is certain etiquette you follow while moshing. RULE #1: When someone falls down you help them up. You do NOT kick them in the head! When someone loses something and you find it on the floor you hold it up in order for the owner to claim it. You jackasses don’t know what slam dancing is anymore. Shows are not fucking excuses to kick the living shit out of someone just because you feel like it. The show didn’t call for that kind of anger; it wasn’t a super angry show! When I, yes a girl, has to break up your fighting because you pushed the kid down into me and started punching him, it is NOT OK!! You told me to lay off; I said fuck you this is not what shows are for. I am not afraid to start something because I will pull the “I am a girl” card and get you kicked out because you are ruining the concert I came to see. All of you fuck dweebs who can’t play nice in the pit and get pissed off because someone ran into you a little extra hard, need to leave now.
We no longer have a movement to be angry with; no one talks about taking down the government. We put our anger aside and then take it out on each other. Are we seriously too apathetic of a generation to not be able to direct our anger to, oh I don’t know, the government who is fucking shit up? The war? There are millions things to be upset about, but you have to take out on people you haven’t met. That’s it, I am done! You all have ruined a great show for me. You come here to hook up and to be in the scene. I hate your mainstream clothes, your crappy hair; and by the way you look like a fucking girl! Seriously? Man-pris? You are wearing man capris?
*Storms off, to kick the shit out of the next scene/emo asshat she sees.*
From SLC Punk:
Stevo: The Fight: What does it mean and where does it come from? An Essay: Homosapien. A man. He is alone in the universe. A punker. Still a man. He is alone in the universe, but he connects. How? They hit each other. No clearer way to evaluate whether or not you're alive. Now. Complications. A reason to fight. Somebody different. Difference creates dispute. Dispute is a reason to fight. Now, to fight is a reason to feel pain. Life is pain. So to fight with reason is to be alive with reason. Final analysis: To fight, a reason to live. Problems and Contradictions: I am an anarchist. I believe that there should be no rules, only chaos. Fighting appears to be chaos. And when we slam in the pit at a show it is. But when we fight for a reason, like rednecks, there's a system, we fight for what we stand for, chaos. Fighting is a structure, fighting is to establish power, power is government and government is not anarchy. Government is war and war is fighting. The circle goes like this: our redneck skirmishes are cheap perversions of conventional warfare. War implies extreme government because wars are fought to enforce rules or ideals, even freedom. But other people ideals forced on someone else, even if it is something like freedom, is still a rule; not anarchy. This contradiction was becoming clear to me in the fall of '85. Even as early as my first party, "Why did I love to fight?" I framed it, but still, I don't understand it. It goes against my beliefs as a true anarchist. But there it was. Competition, fighting, capitalism, government, THE SYSTEM. That's what we did. It's what we always did. Rednecks kicked the shit out of punks, punks kicked the shit out of mods, mods kicked the shit out of skinheads, skinheads took out the heavy metal guys, and the heavy metal guys beat the living shit out of new wavers and the new wavers did nothing. What was the point? Final summation? None.
Stevo: I rest my case on this: In a country of lost souls rebellion comes hard. But in a religiously oppressive city, where half its population isn't even of that religion, it comes like fire.
HerionBob: Well, it's a crazy fucked up world and we're all just floating along waiting for someone who can walk on water, man.
*Storms back* By the way I blame this on our nation’s puritanical “afraid of sex”-ness; our nation’s sexual frustration has turned into a blood lust. *huff* But that is a different post.
*Storms off*
Punk is dead, and has been replaced with snot–nosed white suburban asshats. Punk died the night Sid Vicious OD’d. Punk was anti-establishment, anti-mainstream, it was all about damning the man going against the pop culture, and setting your own rules. Now? Now I am left with this? Screamo, emo crap!? I like most of the music that bands like this put out to an extent. But the scene, the community, ha there is none. It is a bunch of middle class kids trying to be hip and cool, making sure they have the right fashion, which is exactly what punk was against. What happened to the anti-government, doing things our own way?
It was an angry pit last night. And not in the comradely way of fuck the man! They were angry at each other. Years spent learning passive aggressiveness from parents who bottle everything up, and the combination of too much testosterone. Yes, moshing is a time to let this out; I know this. I love this normally. But in the pit you have a sense of community, brotherhood with each other. There is certain etiquette you follow while moshing. RULE #1: When someone falls down you help them up. You do NOT kick them in the head! When someone loses something and you find it on the floor you hold it up in order for the owner to claim it. You jackasses don’t know what slam dancing is anymore. Shows are not fucking excuses to kick the living shit out of someone just because you feel like it. The show didn’t call for that kind of anger; it wasn’t a super angry show! When I, yes a girl, has to break up your fighting because you pushed the kid down into me and started punching him, it is NOT OK!! You told me to lay off; I said fuck you this is not what shows are for. I am not afraid to start something because I will pull the “I am a girl” card and get you kicked out because you are ruining the concert I came to see. All of you fuck dweebs who can’t play nice in the pit and get pissed off because someone ran into you a little extra hard, need to leave now.
We no longer have a movement to be angry with; no one talks about taking down the government. We put our anger aside and then take it out on each other. Are we seriously too apathetic of a generation to not be able to direct our anger to, oh I don’t know, the government who is fucking shit up? The war? There are millions things to be upset about, but you have to take out on people you haven’t met. That’s it, I am done! You all have ruined a great show for me. You come here to hook up and to be in the scene. I hate your mainstream clothes, your crappy hair; and by the way you look like a fucking girl! Seriously? Man-pris? You are wearing man capris?
*Storms off, to kick the shit out of the next scene/emo asshat she sees.*
From SLC Punk:
Stevo: The Fight: What does it mean and where does it come from? An Essay: Homosapien. A man. He is alone in the universe. A punker. Still a man. He is alone in the universe, but he connects. How? They hit each other. No clearer way to evaluate whether or not you're alive. Now. Complications. A reason to fight. Somebody different. Difference creates dispute. Dispute is a reason to fight. Now, to fight is a reason to feel pain. Life is pain. So to fight with reason is to be alive with reason. Final analysis: To fight, a reason to live. Problems and Contradictions: I am an anarchist. I believe that there should be no rules, only chaos. Fighting appears to be chaos. And when we slam in the pit at a show it is. But when we fight for a reason, like rednecks, there's a system, we fight for what we stand for, chaos. Fighting is a structure, fighting is to establish power, power is government and government is not anarchy. Government is war and war is fighting. The circle goes like this: our redneck skirmishes are cheap perversions of conventional warfare. War implies extreme government because wars are fought to enforce rules or ideals, even freedom. But other people ideals forced on someone else, even if it is something like freedom, is still a rule; not anarchy. This contradiction was becoming clear to me in the fall of '85. Even as early as my first party, "Why did I love to fight?" I framed it, but still, I don't understand it. It goes against my beliefs as a true anarchist. But there it was. Competition, fighting, capitalism, government, THE SYSTEM. That's what we did. It's what we always did. Rednecks kicked the shit out of punks, punks kicked the shit out of mods, mods kicked the shit out of skinheads, skinheads took out the heavy metal guys, and the heavy metal guys beat the living shit out of new wavers and the new wavers did nothing. What was the point? Final summation? None.
Stevo: I rest my case on this: In a country of lost souls rebellion comes hard. But in a religiously oppressive city, where half its population isn't even of that religion, it comes like fire.
HerionBob: Well, it's a crazy fucked up world and we're all just floating along waiting for someone who can walk on water, man.
*Storms back* By the way I blame this on our nation’s puritanical “afraid of sex”-ness; our nation’s sexual frustration has turned into a blood lust. *huff* But that is a different post.
*Storms off*
Friday, July 20, 2007
The debate continues.
It all started out because of a post over on WNG's blog, a post about hell. Followed shortly thereafter, by His Sinfulness ranting about hell and how hell being an eternal thing is not all that common. MightyMightyM and I continued the discussion in religion, and the conversation went something like this:
Me: one of my favorite lines about God is actually from an Ani DiFranco song, its origins are probably from somewhere else, but it is still really good.
“and I think,
what if no one's watching
what it when we're dead, we are just dead
what if it's just us down here
what if god ain't looking down
what if he's looking up instead”
I like the idea for some reason that there is a God, but he has no interest in us and is looking somewhere else
MightyMightyM: "he who sees in me all things, and in all things me, is never far from me and I shall never be far from him."
personally, I believe that god is not really a person as we envision, but rather like the ocean
- the stillness that begat motion
the consciousness that begat all consciousness
me: hmm I like that :)
MightyMightyM: we can never really know him
or her
me: or it
MightyMightyM:
exactly, there is no pronoun that can fully encapsulate the concept
there is no sex, no gender
me: no shape, no dimensions
MightyMightyM: none that can be attached to Brahma
me: yeah
MightyMightyM: our job is to reach Moksha, or oneness with the original consciousness
and it takes many lifetimes to achieve
me: yeah, if not an infinity of time
me: I also don't get that why do we have to have this all great…thing. That gets all the credit for things we are very capable of doing our selves. Why does the Christian concept of God get all the credit? I think it is crap
MightyMightyM: true
Christians' logic is baffling
like prayer
they pray for god to help or to change the outcome
of something
but if it doesn't work out the way they wanted they say it wasn't part of god's plan
well then what good does prayer do?
if he already has a plan and is not going to deviate from it, then why pray to change it
me: it doesn't, why not try to change your own problems, or change your own outcomes. There are an infinite number of possible futures
MightyMightyM: right
the scariest part is that the Christians that are running this country believe that Christ is coming soon and will take the righteous to heaven, leaving the wicked here to burn
this belief makes it so that they don't need to worry about creating a sustainable living
no reason to preserve any part of the earth for the future
no reason to try to prevent our inevitable demise
or at least stave off
me: which for those of us "left here" which we will all be, will have nothing left to live off of. Destroying what we need, and creating our own hell to try and dig out of. We can burn, rape, and pillage the land, and it is ok because “God” will come to save us and take us to heaven.
MightyMightyM: but I’m not cynical about it at all
me: no, not at all, and that is the important part ;)
MightyMightyM: but I do love Diogenes - he carried a lantern in daylight searching for an honest man.
me: I love his comparison to dogs, and how we should all take on a dogs virtues instead of our own anxiety ridden state
MightyMightyM: yep
did you know the Zoroastrians consider dogs the equals of men?
me: no I didn't actually
MightyMightyM: I would even go a step further and say dogs are better than men
like Diogenes said, and you pointed out, we should strive to be more like them
me: yeah, loyal, are content with the basics, and are always in the present moment no matter what
MightyMightyM: except we need to be cognizant of the past and future, but live in the present
me: that is true, we have to learn from what we have done, and prepare to an extent for the future or at least be mindful of the options that lay ahead of us
Max: the dharma pig lives
me: in our stomachs!
(PS:
If you can guess where the dharma pig quote comes from, you will get…some sort of special prize, that we will figure out later.)
Me: one of my favorite lines about God is actually from an Ani DiFranco song, its origins are probably from somewhere else, but it is still really good.
“and I think,
what if no one's watching
what it when we're dead, we are just dead
what if it's just us down here
what if god ain't looking down
what if he's looking up instead”
I like the idea for some reason that there is a God, but he has no interest in us and is looking somewhere else
MightyMightyM: "he who sees in me all things, and in all things me, is never far from me and I shall never be far from him."
personally, I believe that god is not really a person as we envision, but rather like the ocean
- the stillness that begat motion
the consciousness that begat all consciousness
me: hmm I like that :)
MightyMightyM: we can never really know him
or her
me: or it
MightyMightyM:
exactly, there is no pronoun that can fully encapsulate the concept
there is no sex, no gender
me: no shape, no dimensions
MightyMightyM: none that can be attached to Brahma
me: yeah
MightyMightyM: our job is to reach Moksha, or oneness with the original consciousness
and it takes many lifetimes to achieve
me: yeah, if not an infinity of time
me: I also don't get that why do we have to have this all great…thing. That gets all the credit for things we are very capable of doing our selves. Why does the Christian concept of God get all the credit? I think it is crap
MightyMightyM: true
Christians' logic is baffling
like prayer
they pray for god to help or to change the outcome
of something
but if it doesn't work out the way they wanted they say it wasn't part of god's plan
well then what good does prayer do?
if he already has a plan and is not going to deviate from it, then why pray to change it
me: it doesn't, why not try to change your own problems, or change your own outcomes. There are an infinite number of possible futures
MightyMightyM: right
the scariest part is that the Christians that are running this country believe that Christ is coming soon and will take the righteous to heaven, leaving the wicked here to burn
this belief makes it so that they don't need to worry about creating a sustainable living
no reason to preserve any part of the earth for the future
no reason to try to prevent our inevitable demise
or at least stave off
me: which for those of us "left here" which we will all be, will have nothing left to live off of. Destroying what we need, and creating our own hell to try and dig out of. We can burn, rape, and pillage the land, and it is ok because “God” will come to save us and take us to heaven.
MightyMightyM: but I’m not cynical about it at all
me: no, not at all, and that is the important part ;)
MightyMightyM: but I do love Diogenes - he carried a lantern in daylight searching for an honest man.
me: I love his comparison to dogs, and how we should all take on a dogs virtues instead of our own anxiety ridden state
MightyMightyM: yep
did you know the Zoroastrians consider dogs the equals of men?
me: no I didn't actually
MightyMightyM: I would even go a step further and say dogs are better than men
like Diogenes said, and you pointed out, we should strive to be more like them
me: yeah, loyal, are content with the basics, and are always in the present moment no matter what
MightyMightyM: except we need to be cognizant of the past and future, but live in the present
me: that is true, we have to learn from what we have done, and prepare to an extent for the future or at least be mindful of the options that lay ahead of us
Max: the dharma pig lives
me: in our stomachs!
(PS:
If you can guess where the dharma pig quote comes from, you will get…some sort of special prize, that we will figure out later.)
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