“Hope will never be silent”

Fall changes:

2011-09-20T01:15:00.000-07:00

A new blog for those of you that still might be reading this:
http://squids-flourandsugar.blogspot.com/

This will be new updates of my new life and new views...

Second Class

2008-11-14T17:36:00.000-08:00

There was a ballot measure this election in California to elminate marriage for certain people. Yes, the gays. It is hard for me to grasp that in this day and age when we can elect an African American president, people are still trying to keep...me, my friends, my family second class citizens. Its not fair, and it hurts a lot right now.

This saturday there are nation wide protests to repeal this ballot measure and give back rights to thousands and thousands of people who had them two weeks ago. If this upsets you as much as it does me, call your representatives, talk about it, act out - peacefully. Let California know that not just the gays are pissed off right now.

Here are some links if you're not quite sure what I am talking about.

http://jointheimpact.wetpaint.com/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/California_Proposition_8_(2008)
http://www.towleroad.com/2008/11/we-did-it.html

Although, to end this post on a high note, Connecticut started gay marriages on Wednesday this week.

Ten years.

2008-10-12T19:09:00.000-07:00

A decade. Ten small trips around the sun. Ten years ago I was 11 and in 6th grade, and to me back then ten years seemed like an eternity. There were so many other things to get through first, the horrible years of middle school that were so awkward and rough. High school, 16th birthdays, driver’s licenses, 18th birthdays, graduation. College wasn’t even a thought on my mind back then. I was trying to find my own niche again. The one I had in elementary school with my boys; John, Christian, Cory, Jonathen, and Curtis was being dissolved. I was no longer allowed to be “one of the guys”. The social structure of friendships was rapidly changing with the onset of puberty, and I was being left behind. We had all spent that summer together rebuilding our fort in the park that had been damaged by winter, floating the creek, and making our own scenes to Warriors of Virtue(yes we were obsessed, and geeky. we had seen it the fall before and couldn’t get enough of it) Once school started things started to change, we tried hanging out still but once the others girls in my grade knew I was still spending the nights with all of them, they started spreading viscous rumors that I was sleeping with all of them. I was hurt and offended, but apparently that’s what boys and girls were supposed to do together in middle school. So, slowly the boys and I started to drift.

Ten years ago a young man on the other side of the state from me lost his life. I remember first hearing about it. A young man who was attending college at UW had been horribly beaten. That was how my homeroom teacher put it. She was late and had came in crying, all puffy-eyed, red nose, and blotchy. I remember thinking what could be so horrible that our teacher is crying in front of us. She was so upset when she explained what had happened; a kid named Matthew Shepard had been beaten almost to death and left tied to a fence. She told us no matter what, it is not ok to hurt someone, taunt someone, tease or call names at someone who is different. I could understand that, I felt so different from my peers those first couple months of middle school. I didn’t know then that I would turn out to be very similar to Matthew Shepard, coming out my freshman year of college, I had no clue back then that my differences could be that I was queer. I know now the reason why my home room teacher took it so hard, was that her only son, I think about the same age as Matt was gay too, he didn’t attend UW, but now looking back I can understand how hard that must have hit her.

I didn’t know how to process any of this. I would have gone and talked to my dad about it but it was my mom’s week, and there was no way I was talking to her. That summer we had moved in with her latest boyfriend on a ranch a couple miles outside town. I took the bus home as normal, went about my chores of feeding the chickens, shoveling out the stalls, and piling hey bails on the truck so I didn’t have to do the next morning when I went to feed the horses. That night as the three of us, my mom, her boyfriend, and I ate dinner and watched the news, the same story was on. I watched wanting to cry, but something told me that was not a good idea. After the story finished we were all silent, and the boyfriend point blank looked at the TV and said, “The fag deserved it.” That was the end of the discussion, never to be talked about again in that house.

A lot has changed in my life in ten years. I moved away from my family. Became a liberal college student *laughs*. I came to terms with my own sexuality and came out. I go to the same school that Matt attended for a few short months, and now I work to better this place, not only for Matt but every gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender student on this campus. So they know that this is a safe place for them. I have always wanted to change the world. That was what I would answer as what I wanted to be when I grew up in elementary school, someone who changed the world. I want the world to be a safer place for my kids (if I ever have any, god forbid) than I grew up in, no matter what. I am working for a safer place for not just queer folks, but people of race, and different religions, I work to fight all forms of discrimination. We have to act up and speak out in our lives or nothing is ever going to change.

A lot of focus has been on the ten year anniversary of Matt’s death. And some people have been angry that not more has changed, that there is no monument to Matt, but there is more to it than that. It is the little things in our everyday lives. The fact that last week I walked past a group of students in the classroom building and a kid had said, “That’s so gay.” And one of his friends turned on him and told him if he was to be in her presence he could never use that phrase again. The fact that we have more and more people coming out, and at ever younger ages. Yes, there is still violence and hate in this world, but we are working on it, and I hope you help us. Don’t put up with intolerance, hell don’t even put up with tolerance lets strive for celebrating, for embracing one another no matter how different we are.

I came out to my mom this summer, and she didn’t disown me like I was terrified she would. Instead she told me over the phone, “that’s ok, that’s fine. So it’s a big deal, wait no, it’s not a big deal. You are still my daughter and I still love you.” She was supportive of me, the first in a very very long time. So you see things can change, no I haven’t come out to the boyfriend who is now my stepfather, but maybe with time, we’ll see. I am seeing change all across this country and it is amazing. I met people last week who were the same age as me and had come out in middle school, went through getting beat up, and is now speaking to campuses about the need to fight hate and injustice.

So, today what are you doing to fight discrimination, are you letting people get away with slurs, and name calling? Let people know you’re ok with them just the way they are, and they couldn’t be more beautiful for it. Oh and by the way we can’t fight fire with fire, so yelling and beating back is no way to fix our problem of intolerance k? Just an fyi.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.” –Thomas Jefferson, The Declaration of Independence.

Don't Vote.

2008-10-03T18:45:00.001-07:00

Go ahead don't vote, it's not really that important anyways right?
Seriously! This is one most cruicial elections to date.
I don't care who you vote for, so long as you vote, so!
Get out there register, and vote!

Changing

2008-09-18T18:41:00.000-07:00

Yes I know the font is a little out of wack at the moment. I screwed up my html and so decided to screw it all, and just start over with a new template. It will take me some time to figure out the new layout...I'll try to make it quick...stupid templates...html....blah....in the meantime another update:

This week has been pretty good. I had my first German test on Monday, and got the test back today. I got a 96 on the test...oh yeah you heard that right, I'll have German girls swooning over me in no time with my ability to talk in German....ok well maybe that is just my fantasy :)

The rest of school is going, the weather's been great this week.

And! A link to a movie trailer...the trailer almost had me in tears, can't wait to see the movie:
http://www.towleroad.com/2008/09/milk-trailer-no.html

Getting Back to the Heart.

2008-09-08T20:37:00.000-07:00

For months now, I have tried to find something to write about on here. I’ve moved around a lot this summer, no not cities, just different houses. Over Labor Day weekend one of my theatre friends and I found a great deal on an apartment just two blocks away from campus. I’m excited about the house, and plans of costume parties, dinners, and just hanging out in our place. It’s nice to be getting settled in again. There are piles of boxes in the dining room, and I still haven’t moved my dresser in yet, but slowly things are starting to come together.

I’ve been dating a girl for about 4 months now. It’s been an interesting go. I’ve known her for a few years. We met back when I was living at Flock Hall 1. I had the biggest crush on her, but she turned me down when I told her I liked her, because when we first met the first thing she asked me was “Are you gay?” We were hanging out with a bunch of friends, friends who I was not yet out to, so I clumsily denied it. So she made herself not like me.

This is the longest relationship I’ve had. It has been difficult at times because I feel like we’re not quite on the same intellectual level, although she is always eager to try to learn. I don’t know if this is to impress me and my friends, or it that she really does want to learn. She graduated high school, and never made any attempt to go to college, she’s happy working a 9-5 job, but I don’t know what she wants from life. I’m also unsure of where I want this relationship to go. I know that once I graduate, I’m leaving Laramie. I think she is ready to, not necessarily settle down, but get a house and start building a life. It is hard for me to say this, but I don’t know if I can see her in my life in the future, two, five years down the road. Don’t get me wrong, this summer was amazing. We spoil each other, make each other laugh, but something seems missing and I’m not sure what it is.

Speaking of relationships, one of my very good friends has found himself an amazing boyfriend. It’s been wonderful to see their relationship bloom. If you want to read about it, and get all giddy, go congratulate him over here.

I picked up a second job this semester doing data entry work. So, I am now working 30 hours a week, and talking 14 credits. It not as horrible as it sounds, I still get to do homework in the computer labs, and get most of my weekends free. I hope to be working on two productions, the student one acts, and the dance show.

I’ll try updating more often. Things have been hectic for a while, but I think a calm in the storm is coming.

As a human race we are always evolving, changing to the environment around us. We grow as people, hopefully for the better. Experiences have a way of opening our eyes to seeing something different. Remember to try and go with the flow, it’s a little easier that way, and never let yourself get stepped on or used, that one was a hard one to learn at the end of this summer. Remember your value as a human being, and never let anyone take that away from you.

When there are no words.

2008-03-25T11:56:00.000-07:00

My voice. My voice comes and goes, and gets lost within everyone else’s. I lose the need to write, and ignore what I need to say most of the time. I could/should use this space to talk about happenings in the queer community, progress that has been made, and the setbacks we’ve faced this year. I could rant about politics and endorse who I am voting for. There are many other blogs out there that put those things into words better than I could.

I feel stuck in limbo at the moment. Waiting to hear back on things, waiting to see if relationships evolve, waiting to see what spring change is bringing for me. I hate waiting; I think we all do a lot of the time. It is in our waiting though a lot of the time, we lose sight of the present and reality around us. Enjoy the moments that waiting bring.

This weekend is the Bear to Make a Difference Dinner down in Denver. I had the opportunity to attend the dinner on “scholarship” (plates are $175) two years ago and it was amazing to be a part of a bigger change. This year I paid for my plate, and couldn’t be any more excited. Jim is a table captain and we will be joined with many great friends from the Denver area.

Spring Break has come and gone. I got caught up on sleep, and spent this past weekend down in Denver with MightyMightyM. He got his first ink done this weekend and it looks awesome! Had some wonderful Sushi and ate sooo much…to the point I don’t even wanna think about fish at the moment, and I love Sushi! This also means that we are past mid-semester barreling towards the end of the school year oh in basically a month.

I leave you all with some random thoughts:

The heavenly rock material that you have imbedded in my skin
is causing day dreams into outer space.
Your star graffiti-ed skin covering me
has left behind some star dust matter,
leaving me sprinkled with brilliant sparkles.
Twilight sunrises and the brilliance of solar rays are seen
somewhat differently through your galaxy.
I spend evenings testing the cosmos,
searching for hints of your matter left behind,
Trying to measure distance, time and space,
multiplying speeds of light and gravity,
Trying to reach my arms across the universe and galaxies
to grab on to part of your star-light,
Trying to locate you geographically, through star charts and graphs,
when gravity and alternate dimensions don’t match.

I should aim my focus to more earthly things
I need to quit star gazing for a while
keep my thoughts from wandering into other galaxies.
But part of human nature is to stare in awe
up into the sky and wonder what is out there.

So I’ll find my navigational star and protector Orion,
Follow the last traces, and known where about specks of your stardust
and trace my way from there.

"Hour follows hour, like water follows water."

2008-02-27T14:40:00.000-08:00

Wow, its already Wednesday. It's already the end of February. It's already time to start rehearsing for Short by Skirts. It's already spring? No, I shouldn't say that yet, it is way too soon for Wyoming to be saying that.

It's been unseasonably warm around here recently, with some bone chilling frigid days stuck in between. We've already got spring fever and we have at least two more snow storms to get through...hell it's not even mid-semester yet. The weather, this time of year, all make me restless, things are moving and growing, and I want to be a part of it. There is something going on in the cosmos, something is changing in our world we can all feel it. This political season has been the most active one in a very long time, hell, Wyoming even gets to possibly make a difference in candidates, and that never happens!
Violence has been brewing across the nation; the country is in a place of unrest. I am restless, wanting to go, and move and spread my arms. I want to be a part of whatever is happening.

If I'm not careful, we’ll be knee deep in the end of the semester. I need to remember to focus more on the here and now. I am still getting all of my work done for school and what not, but my head is in the clouds, fantasizing the world away.

This past weekend was spent down in Denver again. There was a night of Rockband. Making grilled cheese sandwiches at 1 o’clock in the morning. Flirting with a girl. An experiment in a fabulous kitchen with all amenities, and wonderful martinis. Time spent cuddling with my favorite pug. And the reminder that good friends with the intention of having fun no matter the circumstances, turns out for a pretty awesome weekend.

What The World Is Coming To...

2008-02-18T09:22:00.001-08:00

*Warning: This post contains elements of society that might cause hopelessness and sadness*

Something has been on my mind for the past couple weeks. Violence, hate, bigotry. Nouns, that seem to define parts of us, our communities, our schools. In the past two weeks there have been three school shootings. Three in two weeks...I remember as a kid there were no school shootings, and then Columbine happened...and now a days it seems like we can't even go a couple months in between violence.

The first one happened in Louisiana. A female college student shot two other classmates, and then herself. It was a Friday morning and now three lives are lost and we don't know why. Then came the second school shooting that not many people are hearing about. A boy in junior high was shoot point blank, in front of at least 20 other classmates. They are not exactly sure why, but rumor has it, it was because he was gay, and openly feminine. What kind of hate fuels that, to shoot someone especially in front of your classmates, is it to make a point? And then the third, the one we all heard about. One that echoed the shooting of last April at the Virginia Tech campus, a little too loudly for comfort. A man on Valentine's day burst into a class room at Northern Illinios Univeristy and open fired on the class. There are now 7 dead from this shooting.

The thing that kills me is for two of these we will never really know why it happened. I don't know why I need to know, but I do. For some reason, an explanation would help ease my mind. Where do we learn this kind of blind hatred? Was is hatred that fueled these shootings? I suppose we learn it in the home from parents and grandparents, from classmates that were also taught to hate. But why and when did hate become part of the human race's vocabulary? Why in this day and age is it still apart of our vocabulary? I know people as a whole have been warring over stupid things for hundreds, thousands of years...but this? This is ridiculous. And it hurts to hear, hurts because there is not much we can do but lead by example, and be images of love for others. But is it enough? I don't think so. It is scary to think that suicides where you take out a bunch of people with you are becoming so... I hate to say it mainstream.

There is hope though. There always has to be. The protest kids from Oxnard, CA put together in three days that produced over 1,000 protestors gives me hope.

So today...tell someone you love them. Give out extra hugs, show a little more kindness. And let people know they're accepted here in this life, this world.

Really? With all the pinks and reds?

2008-02-14T07:36:00.000-08:00

Yes, my dear friends it's that time again. A holiday put into place by chocolate manufactures and florists. No, no I'm not bitter...ok well maybe just a little bit....but maybe this will help explain...at the very least it sums up perfectly how I feel about Valentine’s Day.
p.s. Thank you Flynn for the Valentine's card, it was very sweet. :)

Hallmark Holocaust

I was creating my own valentine with a gun in my mouth
but it was you who proceeded to deny candy hearts and Hershey kisses.

You told me we were already too deluded with the buzz of artificial sweetener.
Yes, we are. Aren't we?

Society lets us know Valentine's Day is important.
It's all about the diamonds.
The hearts. The love. The red.

Red is the color of impulse
but isn't it also the same shade as blood?

How often and how much can you bleed
before it is significant enough for the one
you are trying to make your significant other?
Cupid cried and cried and cried
when some people realized diamonds don't mean shit
and Hallmark cards make you
embark on some masterminded marketing scheme
making us say things we think
but don't always mean.

"I love him, I love him, I love him."
one girl shouted into the darkness
on a playground of the suicidal February weather.
She slit her wrists and plotted Romeo storylines
but the truth of the matter was that she was alone.
Again. In the cold. Now bleeding, dying. For what? Love?

Hallmark never made cards for the broken hearted.
The lonely. The desperate.
They strive for the optimistic-planting conversation hearts
in the lower region of our hypothalamus
hoping it clicks is tune with our biological clock
reading "Be Mine" and "Me 4 U"

Yes. That's it. Conversation hearts proving once again that yes,
As a society as a whole we are stupid.
Unable to create our own diversions to the ones we truly care about.
Oh Shit! It's February 14th and I've had all year to tell her how I feel
but it's all so easy to do today because Wal-Mart is supplying
CHOCOLATE CANDY IN THE SHAPE OF HEARTS
FOR ONLY $5.99 A BAG, AND HOLY SHIT IS THAT A GOOD DEAL
WHEN YOU'RE BARGAINING WITH
YOUR DEEPEST THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS FOR THE ONE YOU LOVE.

And the ones who are waiting in line to be employed by matrimony
will simply call me a pessimist.
"God, you're cynical, get fucked!"

Okay. Maybe so.

I'm not saying those who participate in these rituals are completely ignorant
or sidetracked by what our culture is deeming as a priority.
I'm simply stating why can't every day be Valentine's Day?
Please God, minus the emphasis on reds and pinks.
Hearts and flowers.
If you care for someone, shouldn't you let them know
whenever the thought strikes that the appreciation is there?

Just saying.
~B.A.S.

It's True!

2008-02-02T15:40:00.000-08:00

See! Ha, more proof that Apples are the root of all evil.

http://sinfest.net/comikaze/comics/2007-06-10.gif

Yes, this comic is like looking into a horrible nightmare for me. I love it though!!

bleh...

2008-01-29T11:05:00.000-08:00

It seems as though I am a carrier for the plague. Or at least the chest cold kind of plague. I came down with being sick on Friday, and it has not really let up since. I went to the doctor this morning and found out that it is bronchitis....wooo! Am at work for an hour, then home to take codine and sleep hopefully. I emailed my profs to let them know. I even managed to get the entire house sick it seems like....I really didn't mean too...sorry guys. So for your own good, I have been keeping to myself, or trying to at least.

There are other things to post about, like the holiday weekend trip to Denver over Martin Luther King Jr. Weekend. How classes are going, and what not. But all that I can really focus on right now is not trying to cough on the users, and crazy cold med dreams.

*stumbles off to find a pillow*

A post.

2008-01-08T15:15:00.000-08:00

Fine, I’ll post. It won’t be pretty though. :P

Winter break is nearly over. These last few days are left trying to keep some sense of rest in them. Gearing up for a new semester, one where I will have no theater classes, but will still probably be just as busy with my 15 hours of English Lit classes. The holidays were spent here in town, with lots of old friends. Days were spent sleeping in, staying up too late, and playing lots of video games. Days would go by where we wouldn’t leave the house except maybe a quick trip to the grocery store for food. It was one of the best holidays I have had in quite some time. It was nice to just be with people and reconnect with old friends. Then there was the great Flock Christmas extravaganza. It was wonderful being able to celebrate a holiday that is so close to my heart, with so many friends.

New Years came and went with somewhat of a bang. Jim and I were yet again off to the Emerald City (Denver) for a weekend of frolicking in urban-goodness. It always good to escape to the city for weekends like that. Hanging out with the Denver kids is always a hoot and well certain bartenders are always fun to see. I know you are probably expecting some sort of New Year’s resolution, but really I don’t have one. It is not that I am opposed to them as some people are; I just have never made any. Maybe mine this year should be: I resolve not to date crazy girls anymore. Or focus more on my writing. Or blog more often. Or stand up to my mother for once. Or remember to send thank you cards. Write an actual letter to someone. Read more books. Work out on a regular basis. I will probably try and work on these things as I always try to do at the beginning of semesters, but if I call them New Year’s resolutions, they really won’t get done because I will be jaded about them. So I will stick to working on bettering myself, for myself.

It’s also official that the girl and I have broken up. It wasn’t a bad break up; there were no tears really, which is good. It is just that we are in two different places that don’t mesh well together. She wants kids and promises of forever. I don’t want kids, and I can’t promise forever to anyone or anything, forever is too permanent for me. Maybe that makes me a bad person somehow, but forever is a long time, and change is the one thing I stand by. I wanted affection, cuddles and adventure. To turn left when we should have turned right and end up stranded with a flat tire and no gas. She wanted stability instead and needs to always be prepared for everything. So I am back to being single. Maybe this will be a good thing at the start of a new year. Focus on centering myself and finding myself again. I find that when dating someone, we always end up sort of getting lost in them and need to figure us out again before we can move on.

Here’s to a new year. May yours be filled with more joy and less sorrow than the last. And may you always be surrounded by friends and loved ones.

"my hands grope for the light, my hands grope for my head."

2007-12-17T13:41:00.000-08:00

"and i learn every room long enough
to make it to the door
and then i hear it click shut behind me" -Dilate, Ani DiFranco

Have had a slew of Ani lyrics bombarding me. Randomly walking down streets they fly past me knocking me into a new song of hers. School is done for the semester, finals are over, and one by one grades are being turned in. I don't know the official results of the lighting project yet, but the house enjoyed it when they came to watch, and I ended up getting a B in the class. Which is good because I got a C on a test and a couple quizzes. The rest of classes are going to be A’s and B’s as well, the only one I am really worried about is my Lit class, see how the final turned out.

"now use both hands/oh, no don't close your eyes/i am writing/graffiti on your body/i am drawing the story of/how hard we tried/i am watching your chest rise and fall/like the tides of my life,and the rest of it all/and your bones have been my bedframe/and your flesh has been my pillow"

This past weekend was spent in Denver with the gang down there. It was to celebrate my birthday, and was a blast. There was much with the drinking, closing of a bar or maybe two…and watching lots of cheesy horror/thriller movies thanks to Scotty.

"and now it's so hard to have faith in/anything/especially your next bold move or the next thing you're gonna need to prove/to yourself"

The holiday season is upon us. In the house we have strung up lights, and even have a Christmas tree up and decorated in our living room. It is a time for rest, recharge, and change. But then again back to our only constant in this universe is change.

"he caresses every bottle/like it's the first one he's had/saying/it ain't love/but it ain't bad"

The following is a free write poem. Our first day in my creative writing poetry our first assignment was to write a poem, any poem, didn’t matter the content or style or structure. We folded it, the professor never looked at it, and we didn’t see it until our last day of class when our teacher handed them back to us. Out of all poems that came out of me for that class this semester, I think I actually like this one the best.

Screaming To The Wind
Words find their way to me in whispers.
Lips part, form movement, releasing sound
that is apparently meant to mean something.
The movement of understanding, the words never reach me.
Your words only come whispered to me
in the early morning hours that have yet to see light.
3am your soft voice speaking of confidences that I am suppose to keep.
“I am scared, will you help me?”
My voice cannot whisper the way yours does.
I cannot make you understand. The translation of my words
always get lost along the way, traveling from parted lips to ears with selective hearing.
How can I help you, if you are always misinterpreting my whispers,
like some game of telephone, when you repeat back to me what was said
It comes out, “Five toothpick guacamole.”

You however are not the only person’s whispers I hear.
My godmother speaks to me on the whispers of light afternoon breezes.
The faint smell of patchouli drifting along with the lyrics to an unrecognizable lullaby.
If I could truly hear her voice, the words would be booming and filled with strength.
And she would not approve of you.
And the way you tell your secrets to me.
The way you lean over the greasy diner table and bad coffee,
Whispering, “ I could never love you, but I don’t want you to go.”

My hearing is going quicker than it should,
So next time we meet over truck stop coffee
with one of your urgent pressing needs filled with secrets,
next time you fill the booth with your empty thoughts, and idle ways of using me
You won’t be able to whisper nothings into these fragile ears.
You’ll have to speak loud enough so that the wind can hear you.
-BAS 8/28/07

Ooo look how shiny the lights can be.

2007-12-11T07:29:00.000-08:00

...4am can get kind of giddy in a light booth. My show is recorded though, the gels have been picked and instruments have been assigned colors. Work at 8 is stupid. Could be sleeping until noon right now. Have the piece of music my lights are set to, on repeat in my head, dreamt about it, want to smash brains now. ... ... ... ooo I wonder if I can set up a light show with the x-mas lights... *wonders off to find caffeine*

Awh Thanks to Nerdy

2007-12-08T11:54:00.000-08:00

For some reason this picture reminded her of me...aw how sweet. Thanks Nerdy. ....
I suppose...

Ah, another milestone. "Why do I remember this?"

2007-12-05T13:14:00.000-08:00

I have made it through another milestone birthday. First there was 16 when you are suppose to be able to drive, although I didn't get my driver's license until I was 20. Then there is 18, a semi-adult in the federal governments eyes, you can buy tobacco and porn, neither of which really appeal to me. Monday was the big event of my 21st birthday. Yes, that is right Squid is no longer a baby, ok in all honesty I will probably always be the baby. The night was eventful and apparently I was a happy camper and had everyone laughing. The parts of the evening that I remember were great...I even got to open presents twice! How many people can say that? However the next morning, I didn't like being 21, and neither did my stomach, my head or my elbow. Hang overs are evil things when you have to work at 8 in the morning, but forget that and are being called by your boss to come in because you are late. The elbow though came from falling down the stairs in our house, do I remember nope not at all, but apparently one of my more famous quotes from the evening was, "Did I really bleed out of my elbow onto my shirt?" There were other events from the evening I am sure, one was I was very excited my father came drinking with us, and bought me shots! I was really excited about this for some reason...

I got some really kick ass presents. Flynn got me Guitar Hero the 80's extension pack, Linus got me a travel tea mug that brews loose leaf, which I am estatic about, there was beer brought over, and a bottle of very nice scotch which I am excited about as well, a pirrahana bottle opener, I am probably missing something at the moment, but they were all wonderful! My mother even sent me flowers which only slightly makes up for the giant stuffed elmo she sent me...only slightly.

I am knee deep in finals right now, and beginning to panic. If only I had some bright friendly letters with me at all times to remind me not to panic.

Ahhh, that is a little better. I have a huge lighting project final due at the beginning of next week, I get to focus, gel, and creat my own light show for a classical piece of music. We'll see how I am doing next week, for now I am off to put together a portfolio for poetry.

I am also worried, about the girl, my girl. She has been sick in the hospital for almost a week, with what we think is mono. So there is that to add to stress as well, but she seems to be getting a little better, we found out today that she doesn't have to have surgery, or at least at the moment. Here is to keeping fingers crossed, that she gets better quickly, we miss having her around.

To round things out here are some Haiku snippets I have been working on for my poetry class.

Plans for Life - 1) Start
from where you are. 2) Improve.
3) There is no 3.

Karmic rebirth sucks
'cause I can't stomach being
a hand-me-down soul

I am the giant
shadow of a small girl who
sits behind the sun.

I trash memories
hoping commontion's enough
for thought, emotion.

ps.
Thanks for the birthday wishes Mayren!!

Life Doesn't Slow Down

2007-11-06T09:16:00.000-08:00

So, both of the theater productions I was working on are now over. I won't know if Fur is going onto to Regionals of the American College Theater Festival until probably the end of the semester. Does that mean I am any less busy, no of course not. What was I thinking that I would have downtime? I go crazy with down time so I find ways to fill it.

Apparently it has been a good couple weeks to be a squid, a lot has happened. Have been to see to more concerts down in Colorado, both of which were some of the best I have ever been to, and yes that is really saying something. On Friday the 26th it was Architecture in Helsinki with MightyMightyM at the Ogden in Denver. These guys are a lot of fun, really dancey but odd lyrics, I love it, they make me happy. This past Saturday my good friend Kel and I took off to the hippie mountains of Boulder to see Tegan and Sara!!! It was everything I would have hoped one of their concerts would have been. Their new album is awesome, if you have ever liked them check out The Con. Northern State opened for them, and they are three chick MC's out of New York, a lot of energy, and well they fact that they were hot didn't hurt ;)

In between concerts were Halloween festivities, parties, and dates. Yes I said the magic word of 'date', but we will get to that story in a minute. I have also after 4 almost 5 years of being of age to drive, after two expired intruction permits, and endless accounts of harrasment from friends, little Squidly is finally growing up. I have my driver's license!! I passed the test with flying colors, what was I so worried about, no clue.

So now to the date. There is a new girl in my life. She is amazing, is spastic and dorky. And the funny thing is we started dating before our official first date. This Friday we will have been dating for two weeks. Somedays its creepy how much we have in common. She is also a hedgehog owner, and loves to dance, relishes in the moments where life takes your breath away, and is a psychology major.

I was interviewed for a documentary this weekend. You should go read BGJ's blog for more details. I'm headed to New York City this weekend with Mark and Fleur to see his brother in an off Broadway show, and well hang out in freakin' New York for the weekend. Coming up is Thanksgiving in the middle of our Hollowdaze season, then soon my birthday(psst the big 21), finals, Christmas, with visits from Nerdygirl and Mandyfish, and a new year, and a new semester.

I will be back quicker this time, with an update with pictures from New York when we get back next week. Until then, the good blindsides you on some idle Tuesday, wrecking your meloncholy-ness to remind you that by looking up you see a lot more, even if you do tend to trip over the cracks in the sidewalk.

A Recap.

2007-10-06T13:19:00.000-07:00

Working two productions at the same time sucks…a lot. I am Assistant Stage Manager for a student production. The play is called Fur by Migdalia Cruz, and we are flying the playwright out here for production week, so everything must be perfect. For the past week and a half I have also been the Master Electrician for a play on the main stage; Uncle Vanya by Anton Chekov. Now, you might think both of those titles sound very important, and they sort of are, but really being an ASM means I am a runner bitch for the PSM and the director. Being an ME is not all that cool. I do dimmer checks, which means I turn the lights on before the show and make sure nothing is burnt out, and no gels need to be changed out. There are some other small responsibilities, but nothing all that important.

I may bitch and complain and whine about having to work both of these shows, but ignore me. I love it. I love being a part of something. We put on a performance for others; we let them escape their reality to enforce a new perspective of reality. These are the first performances where I have actually been involved heavily with watching the shows from their beginnings and see them evolve into magic. That is the way one of my professors put it, we create magic for people for one night of their lives. The crew, not so much with the actors, but the crew tends to have this amazing sense of community. We never really get to see the production they way audiences see it, but we put in long hours, lots of sweat and heart into it for them.

It is tough though. I am never home. Ever. Just ask my roommates, they really haven’t seen me in a month. Okay not really, but it has only been in passing. I didn’t even know G-fresh had been sick for a couple days, a while ago. I get home after most of them have gone to bed, the only exception is when Linus and Flynn are up playing Halo into the wee hours of the morning, or they are working on the comic they forgot about.

It has been a weird season around these parts. We are used to the leaves turning color in a week, and then all of them in procession one after the other tumble to the ground in a day. Not this year. The trees are relishing in the heat, taking their time to drop their colors. Biking through the crunchy-ness of leaves with a slight crisp to the air clears my head of heavy thoughts. Normally this time of year I fall into a deep depression, but hope has been found lurking around the corners. A week of hardships and name calling, are soothed by little remembrances of love. I find comfort in the smell of patchouli this week and slight whispers on the wind, when reminded of dead loved ones, birthdays.

Talking to a good friend last night about moving forward and moving on with life, I am reminded that change is not bad. She tells me it brings growth. I tell her change is the only thing we can count on, the only thing really we can rely on. “How true. How wonderful.” She says.
In a season of change, becoming dormant, and the smell of pumpkin pies, revel in the hopes, in the movement forward, in the laughter of family, in the ties that connect us all, and in knowing that change is our only constant.

"On The Radio"
This is how it works
It feels a little worse
Than when we drove our hearse
Right through that screaming crowd
While laughing up a storm
Until we were just bone
Until it got so warm
That none of us could sleep
And all the styrofoam
Began to melt away
We tried to find some words
To aid in the decay
But none of them were home
Inside their catacomb
A million ancient bees
Began to sting our knees
While we were on our knees
Praying that disease
Would leave the ones we love
And never come again

On the radio
We heard November Rain
That solo's really long
But it's a pretty song
We listened to it twice
'Cause the DJ was asleep

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again
-Regina Spektor, Begin to Hope

Skeletons.

2007-08-20T21:11:00.000-07:00

We all have them, no matter how large, or how poorly hidden they are. Dinner with my father this evening started off on an odd topic, mortality. My dad has been reflecting on his life a lot lately. He said he is not getting any younger, and is starting to think about what can be done with the life he has left to live, what can and cannot be done. My father told me he doesn't have a lot of time here left. What is that suppose to mean? How do I take that? Yes, my father is getting up there in years, and I have never expected him to live to be that old, with the way he has treated his body. One of my father's favorite lines is "If I would have none that I would have grown to be this damn old, I'd have taken better care of myself." Does my dad know something I don't? Some finalized time line that he has left on earth? My dad said he has a lot of regrets, but the regrets that most haunt late in the night when dreams tear you apart. The things that he regrets the most are the things he didn't do, never got the chance, or never got the courage to go through with. He told me this to warn me, so I wouldn't have the same regrets. He, like most of us, wants to leave something behind, to mark that he did something, to mark that at least he was here. We all want some greater meaning to this life, we are all so scarred that our mortality means nothing. He started talking about politics and he would like to do something like that, but knows that he has too many skeletons buried in his past, that are waiting to be dug up. My dad paused after he said and looked at me and said, "You poor kid, how did you survive me all these years?" Love, is how I survived him, love was the only tie stronger enough to ease the years of built up anger frustration of growing up to quickly and having to become my own parent.

Life is precious no matter how much time we think we have left. Do one thing everyday that scares you. Take the risks you never thought you could, and do the things you don't think you have time for. Cherish your loved ones, live with as little regrets as possible, even if that means stepping out of your comfort zone. Talk to the person who might have your eye, step out on a limb and make the first move. Make a list of life's to-do's and actually follow through with them, check them off. Take the time to know what you want from love, and don't settle for any less. Appreciate what you have, and the family that surrounds you. Simply live and love with every ounce of who you are.

Punk is Dead

2007-08-16T10:37:00.000-07:00

There, I said it! Happy now?

Punk is dead, and has been replaced with snot–nosed white suburban asshats. Punk died the night Sid Vicious OD’d. Punk was anti-establishment, anti-mainstream, it was all about damning the man going against the pop culture, and setting your own rules. Now? Now I am left with this? Screamo, emo crap!? I like most of the music that bands like this put out to an extent. But the scene, the community, ha there is none. It is a bunch of middle class kids trying to be hip and cool, making sure they have the right fashion, which is exactly what punk was against. What happened to the anti-government, doing things our own way?

It was an angry pit last night. And not in the comradely way of fuck the man! They were angry at each other. Years spent learning passive aggressiveness from parents who bottle everything up, and the combination of too much testosterone. Yes, moshing is a time to let this out; I know this. I love this normally. But in the pit you have a sense of community, brotherhood with each other. There is certain etiquette you follow while moshing. RULE #1: When someone falls down you help them up. You do NOT kick them in the head! When someone loses something and you find it on the floor you hold it up in order for the owner to claim it. You jackasses don’t know what slam dancing is anymore. Shows are not fucking excuses to kick the living shit out of someone just because you feel like it. The show didn’t call for that kind of anger; it wasn’t a super angry show! When I, yes a girl, has to break up your fighting because you pushed the kid down into me and started punching him, it is NOT OK!! You told me to lay off; I said fuck you this is not what shows are for. I am not afraid to start something because I will pull the “I am a girl” card and get you kicked out because you are ruining the concert I came to see. All of you fuck dweebs who can’t play nice in the pit and get pissed off because someone ran into you a little extra hard, need to leave now.

We no longer have a movement to be angry with; no one talks about taking down the government. We put our anger aside and then take it out on each other. Are we seriously too apathetic of a generation to not be able to direct our anger to, oh I don’t know, the government who is fucking shit up? The war? There are millions things to be upset about, but you have to take out on people you haven’t met. That’s it, I am done! You all have ruined a great show for me. You come here to hook up and to be in the scene. I hate your mainstream clothes, your crappy hair; and by the way you look like a fucking girl! Seriously? Man-pris? You are wearing man capris?

*Storms off, to kick the shit out of the next scene/emo asshat she sees.*

From SLC Punk:

Stevo: The Fight: What does it mean and where does it come from? An Essay: Homosapien. A man. He is alone in the universe. A punker. Still a man. He is alone in the universe, but he connects. How? They hit each other. No clearer way to evaluate whether or not you're alive. Now. Complications. A reason to fight. Somebody different. Difference creates dispute. Dispute is a reason to fight. Now, to fight is a reason to feel pain. Life is pain. So to fight with reason is to be alive with reason. Final analysis: To fight, a reason to live. Problems and Contradictions: I am an anarchist. I believe that there should be no rules, only chaos. Fighting appears to be chaos. And when we slam in the pit at a show it is. But when we fight for a reason, like rednecks, there's a system, we fight for what we stand for, chaos. Fighting is a structure, fighting is to establish power, power is government and government is not anarchy. Government is war and war is fighting. The circle goes like this: our redneck skirmishes are cheap perversions of conventional warfare. War implies extreme government because wars are fought to enforce rules or ideals, even freedom. But other people ideals forced on someone else, even if it is something like freedom, is still a rule; not anarchy. This contradiction was becoming clear to me in the fall of '85. Even as early as my first party, "Why did I love to fight?" I framed it, but still, I don't understand it. It goes against my beliefs as a true anarchist. But there it was. Competition, fighting, capitalism, government, THE SYSTEM. That's what we did. It's what we always did. Rednecks kicked the shit out of punks, punks kicked the shit out of mods, mods kicked the shit out of skinheads, skinheads took out the heavy metal guys, and the heavy metal guys beat the living shit out of new wavers and the new wavers did nothing. What was the point? Final summation? None.

Stevo: I rest my case on this: In a country of lost souls rebellion comes hard. But in a religiously oppressive city, where half its population isn't even of that religion, it comes like fire.

HerionBob: Well, it's a crazy fucked up world and we're all just floating along waiting for someone who can walk on water, man.

*Storms back* By the way I blame this on our nation’s puritanical “afraid of sex”-ness; our nation’s sexual frustration has turned into a blood lust. *huff* But that is a different post.
*Storms off*

The debate continues.

2007-07-20T11:37:00.001-07:00

It all started out because of a post over on WNG's blog, a post about hell. Followed shortly thereafter, by His Sinfulness ranting about hell and how hell being an eternal thing is not all that common. MightyMightyM and I continued the discussion in religion, and the conversation went something like this:

Me: one of my favorite lines about God is actually from an Ani DiFranco song, its origins are probably from somewhere else, but it is still really good.

“and I think,
what if no one's watching
what it when we're dead, we are just dead
what if it's just us down here
what if god ain't looking down
what if he's looking up instead”

I like the idea for some reason that there is a God, but he has no interest in us and is looking somewhere else

MightyMightyM: "he who sees in me all things, and in all things me, is never far from me and I shall never be far from him."

personally, I believe that god is not really a person as we envision, but rather like the ocean
- the stillness that begat motion
the consciousness that begat all consciousness

me: hmm I like that :)

MightyMightyM: we can never really know him
or her

me: or it

MightyMightyM:
exactly, there is no pronoun that can fully encapsulate the concept
there is no sex, no gender

me: no shape, no dimensions
MightyMightyM: none that can be attached to Brahma
me: yeah
MightyMightyM: our job is to reach Moksha, or oneness with the original consciousness
and it takes many lifetimes to achieve
me: yeah, if not an infinity of time

me: I also don't get that why do we have to have this all great…thing. That gets all the credit for things we are very capable of doing our selves. Why does the Christian concept of God get all the credit? I think it is crap

MightyMightyM: true
Christians' logic is baffling
like prayer
they pray for god to help or to change the outcome
of something
but if it doesn't work out the way they wanted they say it wasn't part of god's plan
well then what good does prayer do?
if he already has a plan and is not going to deviate from it, then why pray to change it

me: it doesn't, why not try to change your own problems, or change your own outcomes. There are an infinite number of possible futures

MightyMightyM: right
the scariest part is that the Christians that are running this country believe that Christ is coming soon and will take the righteous to heaven, leaving the wicked here to burn
this belief makes it so that they don't need to worry about creating a sustainable living
no reason to preserve any part of the earth for the future
no reason to try to prevent our inevitable demise
or at least stave off
me: which for those of us "left here" which we will all be, will have nothing left to live off of. Destroying what we need, and creating our own hell to try and dig out of. We can burn, rape, and pillage the land, and it is ok because “God” will come to save us and take us to heaven.

MightyMightyM: but I’m not cynical about it at all
me: no, not at all, and that is the important part ;)

MightyMightyM: but I do love Diogenes - he carried a lantern in daylight searching for an honest man.

me: I love his comparison to dogs, and how we should all take on a dogs virtues instead of our own anxiety ridden state
MightyMightyM: yep

did you know the Zoroastrians consider dogs the equals of men?

me: no I didn't actually

MightyMightyM: I would even go a step further and say dogs are better than men
like Diogenes said, and you pointed out, we should strive to be more like them

me: yeah, loyal, are content with the basics, and are always in the present moment no matter what

MightyMightyM: except we need to be cognizant of the past and future, but live in the present
me: that is true, we have to learn from what we have done, and prepare to an extent for the future or at least be mindful of the options that lay ahead of us

Max: the dharma pig lives
me: in our stomachs!

(PS:
If you can guess where the dharma pig quote comes from, you will get…some sort of special prize, that we will figure out later.)

Anybody?

2007-07-18T10:11:00.000-07:00

Does any one want to go see Ani DiFranco with me on Sunday?
:D
It's in Littleton, CO tickets are only $45....please....any one...the seats are all GA...? I wanna go...puulleasseeee.

Maybe not?...ok.

Did I mention that she rocks my socks off?

Could it really be true?

2007-07-16T16:48:00.000-07:00

I have become obsessed with an author...again. I have read his entire comic book series, I own all but one of his books, I have even read his children books. The author can weave an amazing tale into a fantasy world where I will lose myself for hours. His name is Neil Gaiman. I love his ability to be able to tell a story. I believe it was BBC, who made one of his books, Neverwhere into a miniseries, that really wasn't all that great. He also helped write an amazing movie called MirrorMask that the Jim Hensen Company made. At the end of this summer one of his books will be made into a movie. I haven't decided if I am excited about the movie yet or not, it looks like it might be disappointing, but who knows I had originally thought that about Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Check out the trailer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdW7rbcfGzs

Little mister grumpy man.

2007-07-13T10:16:00.000-07:00

I am now a proud pet owner. I have never had a pet that has been soley mine before, and I am kind of nervous at the prospect of being a single mother trying to raise a grumpy pre-teen hedgehog. Luckily for me, one of my roommates, Linus already has a zoo of pets in his bedroom and I can always go ask him for advice.

I found a listing online saying free hedgehog to a good home. For some time now I have wanted my own pet, as Linus can attest too, and when I saw the listing I was ecstatic. Of course I had to ok it with the rest of Flock Hall, make sure no one would have any nervous breakdowns if I got it. The hedgehog's original name is Kitsch, I wasn't real fond of it, and once everyone kept calling him Kit because they misheard I decided to rename him. So without further ado, World meet Asterix; Asterix meet the world!

According to Linus, who for sometime worked in pet shop that had hedgehogs, Asterix is quite a sociable little guy, but don't let that fool you, until he comes out of his cage he is quite the grumpy bear. We are working on that though. I have been reading a lot of material online about habit and behavior, and all that good stuff, researching as much as I can, what not to do, what to do to encourage socialization...even how to bathe hedgehogs. People say that either hedgehogs love the water or they hate it, so last night we decided to have a trial run at the whole bath thing, and it didn't turn out too badly. Asterix isn't really that big a fan of the water, but he doesn't mind it either. He does like the part of drying off because that means he can bury into the towel and hide from the scary world.

However, in order to get all of the bedding he manages to get stuck in his quills, we have use a tooth brush and brush the wrong way, which Asterix hates with a passion. Linus graciously enough offered to do it, so I wouldn't be the one held responsible for him being pissed off.

This is his "I hate you all you little fuckers..." in a Cartman voice, look. And yes it is not just you he is quite the chunker, we're working on trimming down his diet and looking for ways for him to get some exercise. I am looking at buying a large wheel for him, to put in his cage and a large hamster ball with very small holes, so he cannot get his wee little hedgie feet caught in them. Also, I am going to get some ferret toys for him to play with, and look at hedgehog-proofing a part of the house so I can just let him run. I am looking at maybe even getting him a bigger cage too, currently he is in a tote which actually works pretty well for him, but on the off chance he needs bigger space, the new cage will be in the back of my mind.

And for all his work, and putting up with our hi-jinks last night, Asterix gets a treat before going back to bed.

We tried to snap a photo of him actually eating it...but damn, the only thing Asterix does fast is eat apparently.

So there ya have it! My cutest little, most adorable grump ball in the world! Yes you all can come over and visit him and play with him.

No, that is what AWESOME IS MADE OF!!!

2007-07-12T10:13:00.001-07:00

SQueee! DUDE!! With the "schcroooo" and "woooosh" and the "ahhhh" and "oooo" "kerblasch" and the flying through the building!!!!

So I am a little late on things as I tend to be. But I finally went and saw TRANSFORMERS last night! And oh man was it everything my inner child had wanted it to be. Truly amazing. I don't think I have ever grinned that big through an entire movie in a very, very, very long time! At one point even Jim leaned over and said "You are such a huge geek." I know! :-D and I love it! And the lead girl was quite hot as well, when I told Jim this he just looked at me and said, "Wait, there were girls in the movie?" Apparently he was just a little distracted by the hot guys on the screen.
Oh by the way Bumblebee, will and always be my main man.

"No sacrifice, no victory."

The Flock is going communal, again...without the cheese smell this time.

2007-06-29T10:51:00.000-07:00

I have added a link on the right hand side to the Flock Hall 2.0 blog. It will detail accounts of random debauchery that we will undoubtedly get ourselves into over the next year.

This weekend seems like it, the one where Flock Hall 2.0 finally comes together. Tessa and Mark get here tonight, and are unpacking Tessa tomorrow. Linus is finishing up packing and moving in on Saturday as well, and I am in process of throwing things in totes to be ready to move into on Sunday. Kt has already moved all her stuff in and is currently on a plane flying back to the UK for the next 7 weeks.

The next weeks will become a challenge as we try to find our own niches in the house, unpacking, reorganizing. Making the house we are moving into a home for ourselves, which won’t be too hard. I think for a lot of us, home is with the family we have created for ourselves, our family at Flock Hall. I once wrote that yes, home is where the heart is, but what if you have lost your heart? What if you dropped it along side the gutter while packing up your life, accidentally lost it along the way? I have found my heart again, it has gone through some landfills, and was quite dusty and mangled. I’m still finding pieces scattered about, some down the street from me in the neighbor’s yard and under car tires. Some pieces were just lost in between all the papers I had forgotten about and had yet to unpack. I know some pieces I will never find again and I am ok with that. I have enough now to start molding my heart back together one piece at a time with some duct tape and super glue. I’m not too worried about the missing parts; those will become filled in with time, like much of the mangled pieces, healed by time, love, and laughter.

“watching as you drive
it's good to be alive
and i'm alive, i'm alive
you're alive, we're alive, oh

your smile is the manhattan skyline” –Gina Young

Our Pride

2007-06-27T11:36:00.000-07:00

Everybody wants to talk about love, but it takes a lot to give. Everybody wants to talk about faith but it takes a lot to risk.

Pride
–noun
1. a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.
2. the state or feeling of being proud.
3. a becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character; self-respect; self-esteem.
4. pleasure or satisfaction taken in something done by or belonging to oneself or believed to reflect credit upon oneself.

Also a weekend to acknowledge one’s on importance and merit as a member of the queer community. Being proud to be dignified of who you are, proud of who you are becoming. Pride, a weekend of celebration for the proms you never went to, the Christmas parties you were not out at, and all of the celebrations you could not truly be yourself at. A weekend of massive chaos and partying, drinking and dancing, and truly not caring what anyone else thinks for three days. It was awesome!

I went down to Denver to hang out with Jim and party like a rock star on Saturday morning. We arrived with bathing suits in hand, and got started on the lounging around the pool with cocktails and sun bathing. What a great way to start a weekend, huh? I thought so! Saturday afternoon eventually turned into evening, and we figured if we were going out dancing there should be food eventually. Dinner was found, and naps were taken, (a must to be at top game when dancing), and a plan was forged for the evening. Since I am still a baby and can’t quite go play with the big kids at the regular bars, I headed off to Tracks, a gay dance club doing 18+ for pride, to meet up with some of the other Laramites. I am shy, and I am become even more shy around really hot girls, imagine that. So I danced and had fun, and they gay boys used me to dance as well. Around midnight I headed off to an after hours dance club, where I played with glow sticks and poi until the wee hours of the morning, (close to 4:30am) with the gang. It was a lot of fun and there, there was half naked girls running around in bathing suit tops…and I, yes I, kissed one of them. (squeee!!!) By the time we got back to the condo we were staying at there was maybe 2 hours of sleep to be had, even with all the dancing that had happened I slept very lightly and was ready to go for brunch/mimosas at 8! The parade was a lot of fun, but it got very hot very quickly, and Squid + Heat = cranky pants. So for all of those who put up with me during the park and walking around thanks for not killing me, I realize I was horribly whiny. It was an awesome weekend, and a much needed break!

“The love you get is equal to the love you give.”

Dunn Dunnn DUUUHH!!!!!

2007-06-19T12:45:00.000-07:00

Note: click on video to make it play, and you need sound for the full effect.

hhehe I can't stop watching it.

And yes, I, your beloved Alter Boi, the left hand of the Black Pope, have made my debut in the Black Vatican webcomic! Go, see, laugh, and read all the archives of the comic! Now!

I have Brian's stick!!

2007-06-18T11:11:00.000-07:00

And no not Doktor Brian:

and that is why a girl is called a tease
and that is why a guy is called a sleaze
and that's why god made escort agencies
one life to live and mace and GHB

and that's the way it is in minnesota
and that's the way it is in oklahoma
that's the way since the animals and noah
first climbed onto the shores of california

must not be too kind
stop thinking love is blind
clench your fists yeah write
“she's just not my type...”

why all these conflicting specifications
maybe to prevent overpopulation
all I know is that all around the nation
the girls are crying and the boys are masturbating –Shores of California

It’s good to be home. It is even more amazing to have friends in your life that welcome you back and make sure you are recuperating properly. The weekend I came home I was surrounded by friends constantly, and it was great. That Sunday Max and I went down to Denver for the True Colors Tour, which couldn’t have been a greater welcome home present. One of the bands that played was The Dresden Dolls, yes I love them, am in love with them, want to make love to them, and so on, and so forth. So when Margret Cho announced that they would be talking to fans and signing autographs, I well, I freaked out. Tapped Jim on the shoulder frantically and asked “D Do do you think, they would sign my ticket!?” Jim smiled and shrugged and said “I don’t know, probably.” So after that I raced down the row, trying not to trip over people, ran down the stairs almost knocking someone over and waited, as patiently as possibly for Amanda Palmer and Brian Viglione to start signing tickets. Yes, I know, I sound like a squealing little fan girl, and however much I hate to admit, you’re right I was. For the concert I was sporting, proudly, the official casual wear of the BCP’s and when I walked up to Brian he thought the shirt was kick ass and just for that gave me one of his drum sticks that he played the show with and signed it!!! (insert SQUEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! At an ear piercing volume here to fully grasp how excited I was.) When Amanda asked who to sign the ticket to I of course said Squid. She looked for a moment and said, “Like the animal thing.” While flailing her arms in a squid-like motion, yes this really happened. She then laughed and asked how I got the nickname and I explained it to her, all the while she listened to my story.
See? I have reason to be a squealing little fan girl.

If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you –True Colors by: Cyndi Lauper

There is always a break in the clouds.

2007-06-06T08:45:00.000-07:00

I went to my step-sister's graduation from middle school on Monday night. The area my parents live and my step-sisters live is in really rich Suburban Upper Middle-class White America. So walking into the gymnasium I automatically felt the stares. I was automatically looked down upon, and it is the first time in a long time that I have felt small. Between the looks and the whispers, especially from Aidan's parents (his mom was wearing an Armani suit) and one point there was a horrid comment about the metal in my face, ("I hope she gets struck by lighting") from Aidan's mom.

My step-sisters hardly said more than a handful of words to me, and I was not invited for family pictures afterwards. I stood off to the side in a swarm of people willing myself not to cry, I didn't want to let them see that I was actually hurt. Standing off to the side feeling really displaced, a girl who had just graduated came by looked at me, and put her head down and walked forward, but then stopped and turned back and stood next to me. A second passed and I was curious as to where this was going to lead, then she leaned over and said,"Ssshhh don't tell anyone but I have a lip piercing too," I looked at her and she had a little clear plastic one barely visible. Then she said, "But don't tell anyone here, nobody knows, actually there are a lot of things no one knows about me here."
I looked at her and smiled and said, "Yeah? I know the feeling. I really know that feeling, but don't worry your secret is safe with me."

She said, "Yeah I can't wait to meet people I can actually feel like can be my friends, true friends." I told her, "be patient, I know it is hard, but it will happen. Trust me, you'll find your friends and they can become your family." She said, "really?!" I smiled and nodded, then she gave me a half hug and said "thank you very much." I said "No worries, my lips are sealed." I made the zipper motion, she smiled and walked away.

Eventhough I was in hell for the night, I made someone else feel like they weren't such a freak, in the minds of every one around us. I got the chance to make someone smile, when I was on the verge of tears. I like to think I also put some hope in her life that things will get better, gave me the hope that I can get through this week with little blessing like that. Blessings of any kind can come in the smallest packages, the gloomy storm over had a break in the clouds for a brief second, and I connected with a life that I will probably never meet again.

"But they’ll still look in your eyes

2007-06-03T15:00:00.000-07:00

To find the human inside
You know there’s always something in there to see."

I’m stuck. I’m stuck in the middle of the largest plane I have ever been on, and we are just waiting. We have at least an hour delay before we can take off, due to a storm pattern over Chicago. I never sleep well the night before a day of travel, and I really can’t sleep on planes. The drive to Denver this morning was the normal 2 or so hours, nothing too eventful, although I hate leaving my safety net. I hate leaving my family behind to go visit my mom, I end up feeling like I am 12 again. Yes, I know my mother only has as much over as I give her, but it doesn’t really feel that way. Walking into the airport this morning felt like leaving my security blanket at home. I was rushed with the feeling of displacement; lost, tossed into the confusion of a million different lives intersecting for one short, brilliant moment in time. Even though I had been surrounded by hundreds, thousands, of people I felt so alone in those first moments in the airport. Airports, like said in Love Actually, can be great places of love and happiness, but they can also be one of the loneliest places. Surrounded by so many lives, but still so remote that you don’t even come out as a blip on most peoples radar, who pass through that airport.
Looking over the upper-level balcony in DIA onto the waiting line to pass through security was almost breath taking, (mainly because I didn’t want to stand in the friggin’ line), the shear number of bodies that inhabited that space, waiting to disperse from here. Standing in line, I was nervous, wondering if I was going to get yelled at for anything: I have no liquids, check. No knives, check. No bombs, check. Check check and check. When people get ready to depart there are no smiles, no expressions of joy, or exchanges of hugs that we see when people arrive to where there are going. Instead there are just stern somber faces, following rules just like everyone else, screaming children, upset mothers, and agitated lovers. It is odd to think that so many people pass through this one single place, so many different pairs of feet have treaded this exact same path. There are so many possibilities for lives to intersect, to make some sort of contact with another human life, but do we? No. And I am no exception, too scared to take the first step.

Walking to my gate I pass people I will never know, never meet, and probably never see again. But for one brief moment our lives intersected, there was no hello, head nod, or even eye contact, for we live in an age of isolation. Next time I think I will say hello to see who you are.

My stop in Chicago is just a layover, a fueling stop for a lot of people on this flight. They are headed to Amsterdam. I always like walking around the terminal looking at where all the other flights are headed, were everyone else’s lives are going, and imagine what it would be like to be on that flight. The plane I am sitting in is a Boeing 777 and it is pretty sweet, in front of me in the back of the seat is a built in mini-screen – yes I get cable on my flight to Chicago. Another nifty feature is that it has a map feature letting the passenger approximately know where they are in the sky. We took off about an hour ago and are somewhere over Iowa. I have my passport on me, would they let me just fly all the way to Amsterdam? Skipping Chicago completely. Never getting off at the layover, sleeping until we are well over the Atlantic? I think I’ll close my eyes and see if it happens.

p.s. They wouldn't let me stay on the plane, so I walked down the long plank to baggage claim, holding my breath.

The Parable of the Sockgod.

2007-05-31T10:55:00.000-07:00

"And Sockgod said to the bunny bring me more followers, ‘Bah!’ And the bunny brought more followers."

Most of us know this great parable of the Black Vatican. For those of you who don't there is no explanation good enough to explain it, you just have to wait and ask us in person so we can show you the story. Sockgod progressed from just its small beginnings from being worshipped by the bunnies to having found true love in Sockgoddess, to having Sockbaby.

One of our new members of the Flock, Alter Grrrl, our Ambassador to the unholy Lands of California, brings us something new and exciting for the continuation of the story!
“Behold the legend of Sockbaby. Do you know where all of those socks go when you lose them in the laundry? They go to the Sockearth where the Sockpeople live. The Sockpeople are fallen, sinful bastards just like us and they need a savior too. Just as Jesus came to Earth as one of us, so he went to Sockearth as one of them. Through a strange cacophony of events, Sockbaby ends up in yet another world inhabited by demonic men in suits and good guys like Ronnie Cordova and Burger, and so the saga begins...”

Also it is another sad, sad day in the ministry for there might be a shortage on the Communal Drink of the Vatican. Yes you heard me right we might experience a shortage of tequila due to fucking capitalism. A lot of farmers are now burning agave fields to get ready to plant corn crops because a corn crop will yield more annual income for the farmers. I don’t blame the farmers, I understand they have to make a living and that is already hard enough without having a product that the price is at rock bottom levels. I understand that with corn they will have at least for a while a better means of living; I do however blame our capitalistic society that we live in.

“Capitalism is the Devil’s wet dream.” ~Ani DiFranco

Does the Boggie Man exist?

2007-05-24T11:26:00.000-07:00

Nightmares have plagued my dreams recently. Well in truth if I remember my dreams they are usually the bad ones. I think it is coming from the fact I am getting myself worked up about a trip to Chicago that will be happening here in a week and a half…(crap is it really that soon?) I can never really remember my entire dream upon waking; just bits and pieces of surrealism that feels almost like half memories. Terror clutches my movements in the dreams, something is after me, I need to hide from something, but I can never remember what it is, or even if it is harmful. Other nights they are dreams about death, people around me dying, family members, uncontrollable sadness and sobbing. The details that I do end up remembering are things like I am carrying an orange basketball around in the snow, that has been slashed in half and is important for some reason, or the costumes used for behind the scenes, the look into the side wings where the audience isn't suppose to go are more elaborate than those for the audience.

Maybe Linus is right, I just need to stop eating spicy foods before going to bed.

I am flying out to Chicago to visit my mother on the 3rd of June. I will be there for an entire week, and already I am trying to plot my escape routes. Hopefully I will be able to steal away into downtown for a day, and spend time in Boystown, or the Greek or Indian section. Hopefully I will be able to find my old friends and hang out with them too. I am excited to see my puppy again, ok so she is going on 10, but she will always be my puppy. With any luck I will leave with money for fall tuition. It will be a week out of this state.

And just remember what our beloved brethren of Monty Python taught us:

“Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say: some things in life are bad. They can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble; give a whistle, and this'll help things turn out for the best. And...always look on the bright side of life...”

The Compu Dragon! Haha all shall fear me!

2007-05-22T10:58:00.000-07:00

There are many other things I could be doing with my time this summer while at work. For example reading, homework and otherwise, but no I spend my time on game sites and horrible What is your...quiz. :-) I'ma Superhero!!

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Compu Dragon

Your Superpower is Seduction

Your Weakness is Cotton Candy

Your Weapon is Your Poison Tentacles

Your Mode of Transportation is Snowboard

What's your Superhero Name?

A Black Vatican Testimonial!

2007-05-16T19:08:00.000-07:00

I, your beloved Alter Boi, have exciting news to share! I have been redeemed by his Unholiness the Pontifix Niger. You see for quite some time I was sinner in our Black Pope’s eyes; it was a sad sad thing. I hardly ever posted on my blog, my life had no meaning that I could find to share with others. But now! Now! I have seen the light, Alleluia! See being one of the redeemed is not only good status with the Black Vatican; it also comes with many benefits. Like what you might ask? Well, the chance at beatification, the chance to watch your hit count rise like no other! Now that I am one of the redeemed, I fully intended to live up to that title, I will witness and testify in the dark name of the Black Vatican forever more.

*raises left hand*
Blessings on all of you, of a squid, may it do you well in water!
Left Hand of the Black Pope
Alter Boi

On a much sadder note, I’d like to take this moment to pay respect to the cassette tape.
Really when looked at cassette tapes really weren’t that great in the first place: the tape player liked to eat them, they got mangled and tangled, and could snap in an instant. Dust was pure kryptonite to them, and they never really sounded as good as say vinyl or even CDs. Especially now that we have MP3 players running rampant, that can store as many songs as it would take probably close to 2,000 cassettes to hold, it is hard to see cassettes sticking around. This demise of the old cassette tape also means the demise of mixtapes. Somehow in my world making a playlist for a loved one, just isn’t as romantic as making a mixtape. So if you would all bow your heads in a moment of silence while we mourn the loss of our beloved mixtapes and cassettes.

Mass Genocide of the Earthworm People.

2007-05-15T16:43:00.000-07:00

I have to question the earthworms when it rains. While growing up, we learned that earthworms come to the surface mainly for better foraging and mating purposes. As a little kid I didn’t care why so many earthworms were scattered about on the sidewalks, it was just cool. My friends and I collected the worms when it rained, usually not to save them; we had better plans than to save the earthworms. We’d take them for bait when we went fishing on the weekends down at the park pond, we flung them at the other girls in our class to gross them out, hell sometimes my friends would even just step on them for the hell of it. (I have to admit I did try to save a few earthworms in my time, but hanging out with the boys I did, it was pointless.)

Nowadays I wonder what cultural means does coming to the surface for the earthworm people mean. Most of them end up dead on the sidewalks. Have these earthworms been banished from their villages? Did they do something so horrible that their fate is to die among the giants? Has another empire of worms over taken there land and these are the left over bodies from the war? Maybe it is none of those, maybe this is a test, a rite of passage, a coming of age event. The new generation of earthworms are forced to the surface and told to fend for themselves. If they can make it back to the village then today, these worms become men…or worm-men. Maybe it is just the fact that our concrete slabs have confused them and they can’t find the rich soil they once buried beneath. Maybe this is a sign of my sanity being lost, or maybe just the fact that I am stuck indoors for most of the day and spend my time contemplating such things.
I think mainly, I just think too much.

Do you smell that?

2007-05-10T16:12:00.000-07:00

It is fresh grass being cut.
Lilac trees starting to bloom.
Dirt mixing with fresh rain.
Sun-tan lotion mixed with perfume.

Windows are thrown open in response to the warm air outside, time to circulate life again. I’ve started my spring cleaning this week, even though it is now the start of summer. I’ve kept a lot of things from my past; things to cling to papers, notes, school grades (from elementary school). Most peoples' parents hold on to these things, but in my case I’ve had to hold on to these... thinking they might come in handy, that they might be important, but I have come to realize most of it is just clutter. Along with the moldy leftovers and cheese, along with the old magazines piling up that aren’t even addressed to me, I am throwing out my past. I am throwing out my history, or at least it feels that way. It feels as though I am ripping part of me out, and throwing it into the brown, crusty dumpster behind my building. Most of this crap is just that, crap, loose ends of a previous life that should no longer to affect me. I’m putting this extra baggage behind me, or at least the physical remnants of it.

There is still a lot of day-light left.
I think it is time for a walk before handball this evening.

Yup, it's that time of year...again.

2007-05-04T14:39:00.000-07:00

I remember
preparing this week
for the final shot,
the last pose.

It almost didn't come
late in the week
on the way out of town,
chattering through coffee
we said goodbye in the street;
no photographic sentiment-
just
bites of words
tossed across an empty gutter;
my body swinging 'round
moving briskly through the rain.
-B.A.S. 4/4/07

I awoke this morning to a grey drizzle and thought, "What a great way to start summer break." As it tends to do this time of year the rain eventually turned into a light snow, huge flakes failing slowly to the ground wet and soggy. The wetness and irony of snow in May makes me smile. Goodbyes are hardly ever uttered between one another. It sounds to final, to much of an end for us to deal with. Last night was yet another graduation party for some friends, with massive amounts of fajitas, wine, and warmth. Two of my friends are off on an epic European Backpacking trip for two months, and then one of them takes off to the Peace Corp for two years, and the other will spend the next year in Russia studying. A night of massive Uno and trying not to say goodbye, there was a lot of “I’ll see you later this summer.” “We’ll write…call if you can.” I didn’t expect this semester to be quite this many people leaving, but then again I never do. I never expected to find such great friends. But as it was said last night, This is just another beginning, another adventure.

Every once in a while my father surprises me by sending me e-mails that aren’t just random forwards. I thought this one was appropriate for the time of year. It is Steve Jobs giving a graduation speech.

So I agree, stay hungry, stay foolish on the way down these adventures.
As I will be drinking tonight a toast:
To new beginnings and old endings, to new found friends, old and dear friends, absent friends, and to those we always hold in our hearts.
May your hearts be happy, and hugs be readily availble where ever your travels take you.

Blurred Moments.

2007-05-01T07:22:00.000-07:00

We spend so much time trying to reclaim our youth. Trying to recapture moments of childhood, when everything was easier to understand. Time is spent grabbing at pieces of memories taking the chance to retrieve our lost innocence. My moments were spent making up for lost time this weekend, taking in breath taking moments of brilliance and beauty from those around me. A night spent in the 80’s of bad hair, even more horrible clothes, too much ballad rock, and a moment of our song.
“Help me to decide
Help me make the most
of freedom and of pleasure
nothing ever lasts forever
Everybody wants to rule the world”

The stars were out in all their glory, as the group raced along asphalt under feet, and under tired rubber and metal to a moment taking place that was bigger than any of us could hope to be apart of. A night spent under cardboard boxes, a night spent in a displacement camp. This is our movement; this is our time to make a stand, to make a difference. I always said when I grew up I wanted to do something or be apart of something that will change the world, I have found that it is not one great big event, for some people it is, not me. It is all the little things that make the difference.

Scavenged bagels and fruit filled our stomachs and warmed our bodies from the night before. The morning sun came over the horizon kissing our skin awake. There were a handful of kid things I kinda missed out on. Either I wouldn’t let myself be a kid, or I just never did. After we disbursed from our make-shift refugee camp, we spent time in the grass; our only care was when the zoo opened. Bubble kisses and tree conquering make for the perfect Sunday morning.

There is nothing out there to the best of my knowledge, except the moments we make and the friends we take a long with us and let in.

*note: most photo credits go to Mary

"All we have are our

2007-04-23T18:09:00.000-07:00

Love and our guts baby."

It was a busy last week.
We had our second annual Day of Silence here at the university, and I was asked to speak again. This is what I had to say, I'm never sure what to say, it was put together quickly.

Breaking the Silence
Today we show the world silence can and will speak louder than words.
I was once one of the silent, the scared.
At first I was too afraid to admit I was queer to myself,
or even to my friends in GLBT community because I do not fit into the binary of straight or gay.
I have found my voice now, but there are those who remain silent out of fear,
unable to fully be themselves.

Today is about turning the silence into visibility.
I participate in this for one simple reason: I can, when so many others cannot.
We do this so people who aren't out, know that there is someone on there side.
I'm loud every day for myself, and for those who can't be.
I do it for the scared person I once was, and the strong person I am becoming.

Silence can be so loud it deafens the crowd.
Silence spends its youth locked away
Struggling to find its voice, any noise
Hope is found along with a voice,
and strong, loud friends who become family.
Silence has no place here
There is only hope eternal for a loud life
Spent showing the Silent that our voices will yell out where their's cannot.
~B.A.S. 4/18/07

WyoAIDS Walk was amazing this year. I was a registration bitch :) at the time of the walk we had raise close to $10,000. Spectrum was again top team for the 6th year running, which is awesome but the new Gay Straight Alliance in Cheyenne, Across All Lines, gave us a very big run for it, which makes smile. As most of you know after the walk comes a very fun and crazy night at Drag Queen Bingo, where we raise even more money. This year at the show alone we raised over three thousand dollars.

It takes me by surprise every year how much we can really do, especially as a community.

On another activist note Congress is looking at enacting hate crimes legislation this year. Go find out about, sign petitions, talking to your Congressmen about it.
Start by looking here.
Read more here.

"And I owe my life
to the people that I love."

Horoscopes Aren't Always Wrong:

2007-04-13T10:35:00.000-07:00

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21

You will continue to earn the enmity of everyone in your community when the mayor once again cites you as the reason your city can't have nice things.

Have I ever mentioned I love The Onion?

It rained yesterday.

2007-03-27T09:22:00.000-07:00

I think a girl could live off the taste of rain.

New found friends, pot-lucks, weddings, adventures, movie nights, late-night Shari's, shopping expeditions, new holes in head, visits from out of town.

These are the reasons I look forward to the day. I probably could have spent more time studying or doing "something productive". But for me this is what life is about, the friends you hold dear to you, the family you make. We only get one shot at our days, and I am sick of hearing that I need to play the role of Juliet, I'm auditioning for Mercutio's role in life.

I recently saw the movie "Water". WARNING: Yes the movie is very sad and depressing, but I believe it is very much worth watching. It talked a lot about truth and one of the lines that stuck out at me was, "To talk about the truth is easy but to live by it is not." And a line from Gandhi, (it's not completely quoted but this is the best I can do) "For a long time I thought God was truth, then I learned that truth is God." I need to find my own truth, we all do. Finding the truth that is within us, is what, I think gives us happiness, and ability to see the greatness in everyone else. Life is about finding our truths.

Grraaw!

2007-03-01T08:40:00.000-08:00

I do pretty well with scenes for acting from actual plays, I have context I can go off of. I don't do so well when it comes to open scenes. With open scenes all we have is dialogue, no given circumstances. The first couple times I have done open scenes it has been fine, but now that we have to have at least 5 beat changes, and at least 3 changes in objective it is becoming more difficult. Yes, I know we are suppose to be challenged to grow as actors and what not, but I would much rather be sitting and doing drafting.

I Don't know if I get to go to Washington D.C. yet. The only way I get to go is if the one One Act I was crewing gets selected to go, and even then they might not take a lot of crew with. But we shall see, and keep fingers crossed.

p.s. If you didn’t notice already, the longest month of February is finally over. :)

"Rus Bus, Arive Alive!"

2007-02-26T14:39:00.000-08:00

The above quote is one of many from my trip to Ellensburg, WA this past week for the American College Theater Festival. There is way too much from the week to post it all here, unfortuanly. But we will go with highlights from the week and see how that goes :)

8pm Sunday Feb. 18th: The bus finally arrives in the Fine Arts parking lot and after much drama and organizing the bus is packed and loaded, and we leave Laramie at 9. With a short backing up of the bus because we miss the turn off to Rawlins...oh goody.

We passed through the flats of Wyoming with a breeze, stopping before we hit the Mor-mon land boarder to stock up on provisions for the bus. Traveling through Utah most slept, and I slept all the way through most of Idaho actually too.

By the time we stopped in Oregon for some form of food we had lost tracking on time. It was sometime before 4 on Monday that Squid won a log rolling contest with her great balance skills. Yes this is a true story, and yes, I am still amazed how I actually won.

4:08 PM Pacific Time, Monday Feb. 19th: After 20 hours on the friggin' bus it is evacuted quite quickly, and Mary being a quick thinker got up to the front desk and we we're the first to get our room. Walking into the room I almost crashed out on the bed, but you know there were showers to be had, food to be found, and a campus to explore.

After trying to navigate Ellensburg almost-non-exsistant transportation system we arrived on the ground of Central Washington Universtity, luckily Squid was prepared and brought maps and what not and we found stuff. Yes, that is about how the night went, we were that tired.

The nights in WA were spent socializing and visiting kids in other hotel rooms, and probably way too much drinking and partying. Apparetnly Wyoming has a reputation to maintain at these events. While I was meeting kids from other schools, the response I always got was: "Whoa, you are from Wyoming you kick ass in competions, and know how to party." So yes we win and we drink. The days and nights of the week have blurred together because ya know, I had to keep up my end of the reputation too ;)

Tuesday was the pre-lims for the acting competition and one of the main stage shows called Life and Limb.
Tuesday night was well Mardi Gras. Enough said.
Wednesday consisted of a lot of the tech workshops I went to, and helping load in what they call a Splash scene, which was basically working with scene partners you have never worked with before.
Thursday was my real work day, I helped load in and work two of our One Acts we took to Festival.

Friday was by far one of my best days there. Some of us who really were there for not much a a reason rented a vehical and took off to Seattle for the day! Where I spent most of the day with Nerdy and some new found friends!! I went and checked out the Abbey were Nerdy works, met Ana who rocks my socks. We then ventured onto Capitol Hill and hungout on Broadway. Found some awesome thrift stores, and of course I bought a tie. We met up with Alex as well and spent dinner in the International District with tasty Potatoe and Onion pankcakes, and salt and pepper tofu. Ana at one point tried to convencie me to transfer and I said don't tempt me which was a bad idea, because she is a good temptress. The night ending with multiple good byes, to Alex and Ana, and then to Nerdy after she got me safe and sound back with my peeps from Wyoming.

Saturday was the Acting comp Finals and getting ready to leave. Saturday night was the awards ceremony, and Wyoming as usual swept the awards. We took both postions for the acting comp to go to Washington D.C. All three One Acts, did amazing and one took first in the comp. And many other awards. Once we got back to the hotel, there was much celebrating to be had. I was found by family who noticed my necklace, and said she was glad she wasn't the only family there, which was super exciting. The rest of the night morphs into wandering around too many halls, and rooms, but was worth it, and most of the department pulling an all nighter and being drunk on the bus when we left the hotel at 6 am Sunday morning.

I had a great time, and miss Seattle greatly, but at 4:30 this morning was greatful to be touching Wyoming ground, and even more grateful when I got home to sleep in my own bed.

Do You Mind? Come on it's Dropkick Murphy's.

2007-02-18T18:06:00.000-08:00

Fine. This blog post probably won't make much sense. But Mary, Gina, Linus and I are having coffee at Coal Creek. Mary and I are getting ready and trying to be disctracted from the nervous jitters about leaving, not sure why the nervous jitters but they are there. At 8 we board the bus with 46 other theater students to drive to Washington for ACTF, the theater festival for our University's region. I am excited. I am nervous. But really I am tired which is good since the bus drive is close to 20 hours. Hope you all have a great week!

....<3's

2007-02-14T07:50:00.000-08:00

Once again, many of us find ourselves bitter and callous today, on Valentine's day. I usually hate this holiday and protest by not going anywhere, this year I am going to try something a little different. I will be venting my angst at the Love Bites poetry slam, and sharing with you all some great cards I got from a dear friend.

www.gbehh.com <---for more hilarous cards any time of the year!

For the official invite to the V-Day Slam visit Linus' blog.

And go check out Nerdy's blog; she has some kick ass cards on there as well.

I really wished I lived in Belguim, I would much rather be spending my time today at this oxygen bar.

On a more serious note though, I hate that we need a holiday to be able to let everyone around us know that we care about them, especially our significant others. To steal a line from one of my poems I am reading tonight...:

I'm not saying those who participate in these rituals are completely ignorant or sidetracked by what our culture is deeming as a priority. I'm simply stating why can't everyday be Valentine's Day?

Minus the emphasis on reds and pinks.

Hearts and flowers.

If you care for someone, shouldn't you let them know whenever the thought strikes that the appreciation is there?

Just saying.

Impending Doom O'doomness! Squeee!!

2007-02-08T09:22:00.000-08:00

Converstations that happen between user/pofessors, while working at the lab 2 minutes before you get off work:

Professor from the lab next door: "Who are you again?"
Me: "The Lab Assistant."
Prof: "Oh, right. Well, I have a problem."
Me: "How can I help you?"
Prof: "Do you have any extra mice?"
Me: Mice? Yes I carry a pocket full of mice with me at all times to feed my snake in my backpack! "Um, no we don't have any extras here in the lab. Why? What is the problem?"
Prof: "It's old and not working! It is one of the mice with the rolly ball on the bottom still."
Me: What? We don't even have those kind any more... (the new lab assistant walks in) "Well, what we can do is have her(the new LA) look at the mouse and submit the problem into our database and have one of our techs looks at it."

The professor goes back to setting up, and two minutes later comes back knocks on door and says "Never mind someone beat ya to it, it is ok!"
Me: "Ok" ya weirdo.
Three minutes later:
Prof knocks on door again: "I lied it is still not working, the scrolly thing doesn't move."
Me: The scrolly thing? to the other lab assitant: "Can you take a look at it? I have to go to class."
Prof: "And I can never remember how to save PowerPoint but the scroll works fine on PowerPoints, all I have to do is click the mouse."

Some days people's brains confuse me.

I live in a frozen tundra, of a waste land.

2007-02-01T21:14:00.000-08:00

It is 8:30 at night, the temperature outside is -10°. That is not including wind chill which we are in a “Wind chill Warning” until 11am tomorrow, it feels like -27° outside. I HATE the cold! It makes me lethargic, I don’t want to go outside, let alone walk to classes…and the low for tonight is -45°. My dad always talked about “That One Winter” where it was -50°, but I didn’t really believe it. My bad. I don’t have enough layers for this kind of weather, damn it.

It doesn’t help that right now I am really home sick. Not really for my parents, because that was never really home, but right now I miss my God-Mom, Mom. I smell like patchouli right now because it reminds me of her smell, I hadn’t realized that was why I felt a little better while wearing it until Gina told me that I smelled how Mom use to always smell. I miss sitting on the couch in the living room with Tessa, Tessa reading out loud and Mom sitting with Christina helping her with school. I guess I do miss my parents in some ways, I miss the few days in-between my dad’s disappearing acts where he cooked dinner, and we would have movie marathons.

It also doesn’t help that my mother called this afternoon. She wants me to fly out to Indiana in a little less than a week, my Aunt Judy passed away yesterday, and she wants me to be at the funeral. If she would buy the round-trip ticket, yes I would go. But she won’t, says she can’t. I don’t have that kind of money to spend, and I hate to say this but I met my aunt Judy and the rest of my mom’s family once before in my life. I will call my grandmother and other aunts and give my condolences and send flowers. The conversation also consisted of her still not understanding my major, a new found interest in my love life and wondering why I don’t have a boyfriend and my quick explanation of “I’m too busy for a relationship right now.”

I am going to curl up with Puppy(my stuffed ami-nal) underneath a huge pile of blankets, drink some tea, and watch Evangelion. Can’t we cancel school tomorrow?

Grumble....freakin' neighbors...Grumble Grumble

2007-01-30T13:48:00.000-08:00

I was a good kid last night, I went to bed at 10:30, I was going to have an awesome night of sleep, but apparently it was not in the plans for my night.

At 4:18 this morning, I rolled over and was awoken by an obnoxious blaring beep in my ear. It was kind of similar to some sort of alarm, but I don’t think it was an alarm. After wondering for quite sometime “What the fuck is that?” I figured out it was not in fact, my laptop, my mp3 player, my TV or DVD player, my Refrigerator, my bathroom, my kitchen, a or bomb set to go off in my room. It was coming from my neighbor’s apartment. I figured it would stop after 15 minutes….then after 20….then after 45…finally after an hour and a half I got so fed up that I yanked all my blankets off my bed, my pillow, and crawled into my closet to sleep. (my closet has a door and I figured that would help block out the sound) I could barely, faintly hear the annoying beep. Normally this would not be a problem ignore it just a little and it would be fine, but since my brain had been focused on it for so long that was all I could hear.

Maybe it was the evil monkey’s plot to ensure I was super tired and grumpy today, or maybe it was even part of Benedict’s evil plan to squash the Black Vatican, but whatever it was, when I finally crawled out of the closet this morning the awful noise had stopped.

AAAHHHHHAAHHHH!!!

2007-01-29T17:35:00.000-08:00

The world is coming to an end!!! RUN for Your LIVES!!!!
...... Wait, you mean...the evil space monkeys and tarantulas aren't attacking? ...Oh *clears throat* right, then. Well, go back about your business, nothing further to see here except a busy schedule.

It official, well as official as it can be right now, I am going to Ellensburg, WA in a little less than three weeks for the Kennedy Center American College Theater Festival, or ACTF. We will be gone for an entire week, and there is so much to get done. I am working on three of the five productions this semester, and working 30 hrs. a week. Is there really enough time to get everything done before the semester ends?? I am also helping out with the lighting of one of the 10 minute One Acts that we are performing at ACTF which is super exciting!

Maybe I have official snapped, or maybe it's the Stockholm Syndrome talking, but I kind of like the cold weather. The crisp walk to classes wakes me up in the morning, and lately they have been beautiful with the bright blue sky and crisp white ground. At night it is fun to watch snowflakes fall in the street lights. The cold reminds me that I am alive, reminds me also that I am not permanent.

I’m working on a new poem and I figured I share it:

there is self loathing love abounds
there is little to do and little to say
and leaves and snowflakes on the ground

a breaking heart does not make a sound
I think I could be better for you another day
there is self loathing love abounds

I am looking to be lost, and you to be found
It is cold here with the breeze coming off
of the mountains capped in snow
and leaves and snowflakes on the ground

our words only circle and confound
we can't say what we want to say
there is self loathing love abounds

neither of us dares to expound
there are prices here we cannot pay
and leaves and snowflakes on the ground

before you're out of sight, I turn around
you look at your feet, or the other way
there is self loathing love abounds
and leaves and snow flakes on the ground
~B.A.S.

Shoestrings of Death

2007-01-23T16:01:00.000-08:00

I hate shoestrings nowadays. None of the really cool ones are long enough for normal shoes anymore. I received an awesome pair of Gir (Yay! Gir!) shoelaces for Christmas-ish kinda. Anyways I wear wide vans skate shoes, after the horrible struggle of getting them laced; I come to find that they are not even long enough to tie! Apparently this is the next step in American laziness. ‘Parently they are made wide so they don’t loosen your shoes, but you still don’t have to tie them. I think this is retarded, I want to tie my damn shoes! I know I could go back to my old shoelaces which worked just fine, but damn it, I like my new Gir ones, well only if they would tie.

The hair has changed once again!! Yay no more horrible roots or weird peach orange hair. Once I get access to a digital camera or phone with half-way decent picture taking I will hopefully be able to show you all.

I played with table saws and a screwdriver today w00t!

Ooohh and for all of you web-comic fans out there…I know your there it’s okay. I have found a teh awesome website that has a large selection of alcoholic beverages based on various web-comics. Some of them aren't really alcoholic beverages... but rather attempts at comedy. So ya know if it says cyanide or anti-freeze you really shouldn’t drink it, because you know, ya might die! But they are funny and awesome!

Enjoy!

The Dilliema

2007-01-18T08:45:00.000-08:00

(bear with me on this post; yes it will be a little rocky)

Basically boils down to: yes, I am a theater major, I am spastic, I like Indian food, I am a punk, I can cook, I have a huge heart and get my heart broken easily, I grew up in Small Town, Wyoming, I am a geek…..I like both girls and boys, I am queer. But the last line people tend to see as all someone is, and as stated is not true, that is one of the last things I want someone to know about me.

I have always struggled with this, and I think a lot of people in the queer community do as well. I am very involved in social change and making the world safer for everyone, I choose to focus my energy on the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered community. I am an activist. Sometimes, though, I feel that when we are out spoken, people see me as the queer activist and that is all, and that terrifies me. I am not sure why, probably because I worry way too much about my self-image and how others view me. When we do events, part of me is always asking, is this necessary? Are we just putting the spot light on ourselves again? And the other part of me is saying “yes!” if we don’t bring up these issues who will, when will it become comfortable to talk about freely? We’re not trying to get special treatment, we have no agenda, and we just want the same basic human rights as everyone else.

Last night we had a workshop between the gay community and Greek life. I was terrified, for several reasons. A.) What if they agreed to do this just because it looks good and they really do hate us? B.) What if they are really all cool, and view this as pointless and us trying create something there isn’t? C.) I talked to a friend about it, to see if they were going because I thought it would interest them because it involves their community, and I kind of got it thrown back in my face. “Yeah that’s just what we need another panel about it”, and basically said that it was pointless. It hurt, and got me to thinking about all of this. A lot of it boils down to perceptions and we talked about those last night. How we think each group is perceived by each other and the greater community. We found out that we have a lot of things in common actually. Both groups feel that we are invisible and have no real presence on campus. We are very involved in community service; we are both misperceived as having “loose morals”, no good values when it comes to hooking up and drinking. We started the workshop throwing out the idea that everyone kind of thinks of when we both think of each group: the gays are anti-Greek and the Greeks are anti-gay. It came down to breaking all of these misperceptions down, and stating that its ok to dialogue, and I think (I had to leave early), but I think we opened up some great lines of communication. The Greeks are good people, and we talked about how to make it more comfortable, more inviting for someone if they were gay or anything and wanted to rush for a house.

So….how do we balance the double edge sword, of being out and an activist, but not having that control our image and who we are? Does it matter if it is all for the greater good? Are we making a greater good by being loud? I don’t know, I know some people who are part of the queer community who do not do any sort of activism, they think we shouldn’t, we should just be able to co-exist in the world, but if we didn’t have the activism would we still be oppressed and looked down upon? Is it because they are afraid of everyone else’s perspective on them, or do they just not care. Does all boil down to apathy? And will that apathy destroy our humanity?

Currently Listening To: Namoli Brennet- We Belong
http://www.namolibrennet.com/index.cfm

Can't Breathe Properly

2007-01-14T11:39:00.000-08:00

For the record I hate being sick, I feel whiny and complainy, have no energy, I feel like a pile of poo, and to top it all off breathing sucks because then I start coughing. Ok maybe not poo per say but you get the idea.

The date went well and I had a lot of fun. We have a rain -check for the movie portion, because at the time there were no great movies that either of us wanted to see. I was going to cash in the rain-check today or I should later this evening for the movie, but with being sick and all I probably won't. Blah.

It has been super cold here recently, and my apartment doesn't keep heat that well. I have a little heater down stairs in storage, but I haven't wanted to bust it out yet because well the heat I have now is free, and the heater would run on my electric bill. It might have to come to that though. For now though I think I am going to curl up under my covers, and I think Gremlins and nap is order, most definitely a nap.

50 minutes and counting:

2007-01-11T16:11:00.000-08:00

Until what you ask? Well duh, until 6 P.M. silly goose. And now you are probably wondering what is happening at 6 P.M. this evening, well aren't you just nosy...fine if you insist on knowing I have a dinner date. I am nervous and excited and have been going AHHHH SQUEEE AHHHH WEEE AHHHH all afternoon. I always work myself up for nothing, and so to keep myself semi-calm I have done the dishes, changed my bed sheets, and am now posting a blog, fun huh? Tomorrow concludes the first week of classes, and I actually think this semester is going to be good. I am taking Stagecraft where they are letting me play with all sorts of fun things like table saws, hand saws, jigsaws, drills, metal grinders, drill presses, oo and the most fun are the staple and nail guns! hooray! Yes I promise not to kill myself or harm myself with any of them, and yes we are quizzed on safety before we get to play with them. I am also taking Historical Geology, Dramatic Lit II, and yet another acting class.

I am all moved into my new apartment, yes I have moved yet again. This time I am living alone in a gorgeous studio apartment. The Squidy is living on her own and I am loving every minute of it. Not that I regret living in Flock Hall or up on the hill with Jen I am just excited to be able to do whatever I want whenever I want and not have to worry (too much) about disturbing anybody else ( I do apparently have a cranky downstairs neighbor, so that means no parties at Squid's). I am by no means unpacked yet, but have a good chunk of it done, all I need now is a desk, a chair, maybe another book case, and maybe a love seat. I have a closet almost the size of the one I lived in Flock Hall it is fabulous!!!

I have become a sickly one, and I am very upset about this because damn it, it is the first week of school! and I have a date tonight! Thanks to Airborne and Decongestants, I am feeling better than I was this morning after a night of horrible dreams on NyQuil.

*breathes and gets ready to answer the door*

Happy Chrismahanuakwanzayulica

2006-12-24T19:04:00.000-08:00

:D Hello all my dear hearts, I wanted to pause from the running around in Pinedale to take a moment to say I hope you are all doing great and the holidays are/were fabulous. I miss you all and have lots to tell, but for now a happy blessings goes out to all of you. I wanted to let all of you, my friends, know that I care for you deeply and am grateful you are in my life. You all have a place in my heart, and I know that we cannot all be together for the holidays, but you are my family and I wish you well. Now " 'parently" we are off to get ready for midnight mass and singing in the choir. Love you! Take care of yourselves and I promises stories to come.

~Squidly

J'ai manqué mes montagnes.

2006-12-19T21:21:00.000-08:00

The four hour journey back home with a Ford Escort hatchback packed to where the two in the back seat couldn't move was a success. Mark, Tessa, Gina and I all made it safe and sound back to Pinedale. It feels odd to be here for some reason, I really don't consider it home anymore, yes my family is here, but even then they aren't my "true, blood" family, they are my family, but this is no longer home. This is not even the town I grew up in, which is true for most natural resource booming towns. Many buildings have been renovated or demolished and built over, many new buildings are up, business that I once worked in now no longer exist. I guess this is all apart of life. Change is the only constant, and is inevitable. We will see how the rest of the week goes here, I am meeting up with my high school buddies tomorrow night, a trip to Jackson on Friday, sledding with Aunts and Uncles on Saturday, then there is actually Christmas and church to attend. Sitting here thinking about it, I realize that I haven't been back since my god-mother's funeral almost two years ago, one of my best friends, my Sarah, growing up is living back here and I haven't seen her in close to four years. Maybe that is why I feel out of place, that and the fact that I have orange hair might have something to do with it.

...

2006-11-30T20:47:00.000-08:00

My head hurts, my stomach hurts. What this means? The end of the semester is upon us.
I didn't mean for the words to hurt my friend, but they did. I can say I'm sorry a thousand times but it won't matter. I told you I didn't want to tell you, I told you didn't want to know. I know I was being stupid about it, that it was ridiculous, but still it was the way I felt, I'm sorry. Lately I've kind of felt like shit. I'm frustrated, and feeling disconnected from myself. Can we say yay! for the end of the semester? For now I will leave you with links because that is all I got.

http://piggymoo.com/futurama//?episode=01x01
All the Futurama you can stand for free on the internet!

http://caffeineweb.com/?p=15
Nasa's Findings on Caffeine

http://www.apple.com/trailers/picturehouse/panslabyrinth/trailer/
An Awesome looking movie

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4662636869909322164&sourceid=docidfeed&hl=en
From Russia With Love: A documentary on Tetris

http://www.giantmicrobes.com/us/products/ulcer.html
Your very own stuffed microbe

Guess What!!??

2006-11-14T23:54:00.000-08:00

IT'S SNOWING!!!! It's snowing, It's snowing, oh oh, oh yeah its snowing!!! *does the happy dance around the computer lab* *happydance in the chair*
and has been since last night. :D Makes me a happy kid, for the most part.

I sometimes find it so intriging and frustrating at the same time that we have to have things so defined, in our lives, our relationships, our futures. A really good friend told me though that, "I would rather know where my limits are, then trip over them and lose everything." I have to agree. I am still pondering the answer to a question another friend asked me, why is history such a big deal, why does it play such a big role in relationships, why does it matter? That I have no answer too.

There is basically four weeks of classes left and then finals. Crap crap crappity crap!!! I have managed to do even more damage to my glasses then just have my lens fall out, I snapped the frame! Oh yay! So now they are being held together with super glue and wire, yes I realize how big of a dork this makes me. My friends in all of their graciousness though have started a collection for my birthday present to get me new glasses, any one want to contribute? I might be moving to another place in December it would be a little bit more expensive but it would be an actual house and much closer to campus. I want fuzzy blankets, hot coco, cuddles, Jim Henson movies, and flanel PJ's anyone want to join?

How did we get here?

2006-11-08T01:00:00.000-08:00

The snow wasn’t here to stay; it usually isn’t in October anymore. It seems like it use to be when I was little. We would get a horrible snowstorm in October and the world would be covered in white until April at least. Not so much anymore. The last couple of days have been unusually warm and this catches me off guard. I want the world to be knee deep in snow, at least so I know what time of year it is, at least I know that truth.

Why do we, as humans need to have everything defined down to a pinpoint? Why do we put so much focus on communication, the need to be heard, the need to be understood, by someone, anyone? Why do we feel like we need to have a connection with others, to be close to others, the need to be with someone? I know we like things defined so there are not many questions involved, it is easier to understand this way, no grey matter. It makes our lives simplistic and that is what we strive for, simplicity. The need for connection comes from human nature, and that fact we as a species do not live well in seclusion. Some of us try to think that we are happier that way, but overall this does not work. We like talking to others, we like interacting.
A famous poet put it in more eloquent words than this, “No man is an Island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the Continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankind; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.”~ John Donne.
There are people who would disagree with this quote, but I wonder, why? I have focused on trying to connect with someone to feel what others feel in a relationship. I have realized that I give too much, I love too much, I care too much, for others. Some would say that this is a curse, and at times, I do too, but others say that this is also a gift. I wonder sometimes if there comes a breaking point, in which there is no more to give of oneself.
“Some where along the way my heart became yours without my permission.”
“some people wear their heart up on their sleeve
i wear mine underneath my right pant leg strapped to my boot
don't think cause i'm easy i'm naive
don't think i won't pull it out
don't think i won't shoot –Ani DiFranco, Out of Me
Sometimes I wish I could hide my heart better, but if I did, I wouldn’t be me.

I think now it is late enough and I am on too little sleep, and too much caffeine that I am rambling again. Nevertheless, I do have one more thing to say, I am getting better at accepting the fact that the only constant in life is change. We are constantly changing as people, if we stay stagnant and don’t move forward what better are we?

Escaping into Snow

2006-10-23T02:03:00.000-07:00

Did you know that there is proof out there that not only birds sing love song to each other, but mice do too!

http://record.wustl.edu/news/page/normal/6087.html
http://mednews.wustl.edu/news/page/normal/6040.html

Turns out

Lab Mice sing love
songs like birds

at frequencies higher
than most wings
rise.

Does the caged mouse still sing?
Yes. Apparently.

Swamp Sparrow Songs
spun with long
pink tails

red beady eyes
longing wantonly

long yellow teeth
grinning lasciviously

singing triply
repeated phrases

"Hey you, woman."
"I’m over here!"

Cage GC78, Row 18
Aisle 242.
~B.A.S.

It seems as though the snow is officially here until next April. With the turning of the weather decay and death seems to be on my mind more often, and I find myself reminded that we are not invincible as we all might wish to be. It is about this time of the year that I begin to get restless, with the falling leaves comes my want to be somewhere else. Not somewhere that is necessarily warmer, just somewhere else. I have escaped with Anna to Fort Collins twice in the past week. We drove down last Wednesday night to eat at the Thai Pepper which was sort of in celebration of our one month, and our excuse last night was to look at Halloween costumes which took a detour to Indian food. I am worried about a lot of things right now, and kind of sad. We were talking last night over dinner about places we were going to go visit and I said “When I am in London in the spring…” and realized oh yeah, crap I am not going this spring. School is interesting this semester, but I have come to learn especially this month, that even if I am stressed just push through it and I’ll come out on the other side. So for now I am going to go push through mid-terms and I will see you all on the other side of next week.

May you find solace in the gentle arms of sleep
Despite the wolves outside your door
In time you will see them all as harmless
And their idle threats easy to ignore

And if ever fate should choose to smite you
Stand your ground, never walk away
Please don't ever let the world defeat you
Don't get buried in its decay

As you drift into the gauzy realm of dreams
May you take comfort in the thought that you are safe
For it only takes a fraction of a second
For all of this to change
Lullaby by: Assemblage 23

Because you let me dance with you.

2006-10-11T01:38:00.000-07:00

Midterms are already here? How did that happen?
My weeks are blurring together again. Time is spent in a semi-coherent state trying to grab pieces of the world around me. I'm keeping up on school work which I have impressed myself with. For some reason that has now eluded me I agreed to work the 11pm-3am shift Sun-Wed this semester. So, I spend sleepless nights, surrounded by insomniacs, procrastinators, and foreign exchange students. I am also trying to steal moments of brilliance with her, which catches me on the wrong foot. I lose my footing with her in moments of staggering and breath taking beauty, the simple things I notice she always asks me to explain that I can’t quite put into words.
We have been dating for three weeks now, next Tuesday it will be exactly one month. She makes me smile. She loves my spastic-ness, sees through to who I am, and doesn’t let me hide behind my hats. She lets me cuddle with her while watching tv, and lets me take her on random drives to where she doesn’t know the final destination.

It has been an interesting semester so far. There has been a couple times where a few of us have wanted to hit pause and then restart from our last save point. October is now in full swing which means Spectrum is in full swing with queer awareness month. This week we have 2 events and then the homecoming parade and building the float. Next week we have Queer History Day and a singer/song writer Magdalen Hsu-Li coming in and performing. Honestly, I can’t wait for this month, to be over. We will get through it though, and it won’t be as bad as it seems right now. Remember to take time in heart stopping moments. Go and play in a pile of leaves or just crunch through them instead of staying on the sidewalk. I have found myself recently missing ones who I took for granted would be around for quite some time. Life is unexpected, that is what makes life great, but the uncertainty is also what reminds to live.

Because you are reading this.

I am a GEEK!!

2006-08-21T16:01:00.000-07:00

I try not to let my geek side show too often. I try to be the somewhat ordinary, some what average looking person I, sometimes am. But every so often something comes along so freakin’ cool that the Geek has to be let out. Now I usually don’t rave about new game consoles coming out because honestly most days I would take the original NES or Super NES over the X-Box or Playstation any day, probably more so because I have always been a Nintendo girl at heart. But with the unknown release of possibly the coolest system since…ever drawing nearer I have been doing research. The Wii released by Nintendo will retail for no more than $250 but they are expecting it to sell for around $170 but of course there are no final words on the price yet. Now with the release of the Wii comes the release of one of my greatest heroes newest game…Zelda: Twilight Princess!!!

Now, I don’t know how much of my readers out there are gamers, I should probably expect all of them to be, but on the off chance that there are some people out there who have no clue about the Wii, which is honestly very sad for you, honestly. The controls on the system are amazing. It is a break from the everyday ordinary controller. It is a wireless, freehand controller.
“The Wii Remote frees you from cords and excessive, complicated buttons without sacrificing gameplay depth. The motion sensors contained within the Wii Remote and the Nunchuk controller add totally new interactions to existing games while opening doors for new genres. Wii makes your senses come alive!”
When I first heard that they were releasing Twilight Princess for Wii I imagined swinging the Wii controller as if it were actually the Master Sword. One of the first news releases stated that it wasn’t going to be and yes, I was kind of heart broken at the fact. But have no fear! It looks like Nintendo has made some tweaks to the controls for Twilight Princess Wii since E3. IGN is reporting that the biggest change to the controls is that now you will be swinging your Wiimote as if it were Link’s sword. I am super excited with this. It is who I have been dreaming about the Wii from the start. Nintendo had said in the past that they were worried gamers would get too tired playing a Zelda title like this, but it appears they have had a change of heart. Miyamoto himself is all for the new idea stating, “Upon actually playing it, it’s more interesting this way.”

See I am more than the well-adjusted, able to converse on mature subjects with you person than I seem to be. Just below this well polished surface is my alter-ego. This person is, well, the antithesis of cool, the last person you want to get stuck in a conversation with. This person is my geek. The Magic, Dugeons and Dragons, Pirates, playing geek; the comic book collecting, Monty Python quoting, obsessive science fiction movie and series watching geek!
I struggle on a daily basis to keep my inner geek quite and suppressed from the world, but as normal she wants out to talk to the other geeks. She wants to sit everyone down and make them watch Big Trouble in Little China, and the entire Series of Trigun and Cowboy Beebop. She wants to watch Blade Runner, again, A Clockwork Orange, again and again.
She wants to watch every behind the scenes special about the making of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy and then kick your ass at Lord of The Rings Trivial pursuit and Star Wars Trivial Pursuit. She wants her own light saber and Rebel X-Wing Class Fighter, and yes she wants to go out and buy a DeLorean and drive exactly 88 miles per hour!

But for now I will stuff her back away from the world. If you find, like me, your inner geek trying to get out, I have found an extremely geeky site on Spaceship dimensions. Every single science fiction ship you could possibly want to compare with any other one are on there. From Babylon 5 to Firefly, from Star Wars to Star Trek, it is there my friend go enjoy!

Isn't it time to go home yet?

2006-08-16T14:57:00.001-07:00

Are you serious, I still have three hours of just sitting here? The slow creep of time today is like trying to pour crystallized honey out of the container. It might work but you are going to sit there waiting forever. Am I waiting for something? Maybe not today specifically, but in the greater sense of things yes. School starts in a week and a half, and I am waiting on issues with money. Waiting to see everyone and how their summers’ have been going. It seems like I am always waiting for something to drop, like there is this ominous ball of doom just up around the corner barely attached to where it is dangling from. For most of my life I have lived cautious and worried waiting for the next big bad news to topple over me.

I am sick of it though. I don’t want to look back in 15 years and have regrets of not doing this or missing out on that opportunity. "I do not regret the things I have done, but those I did not do." If I am too scared to even ask people out to coffee where am I going to get? No where. I hide behind excuses of rejection, and many other things. As a good friend told me everyone at some point in their life gets rejected, usually a lot more than that, but everyone at least once, “Yes, even Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, hell even Hugh Hefner has been turned down for Christ sake.”

So I’ll throw caution to the wind, or at least try my best. I’ll walk a little taller, eyes forward instead of looking at the ground. That way when opportunity tries to blind side me, which would knock anybody else down, I don’t miss it and keep la dee dah walking along. Take some pride in myself and trust that I don’t need to hide behind the corners. I choose to live in the front of all that is going on around me instead of hiding from life on the edges terrified of what tomorrow may bring. I won’t be so scared of life but be happy in the fact that I have some great opportunities ahead of me, although uncertain they maybe. Life is worth embracing this is the only shot we get, here and now so why not make the best of it, even if it is tough to trudge through every now and then?

Live, god damn it, live every damn day and stop being so afraid.

"Oh no I've said too much, I haven't said enough"

2006-07-25T08:12:00.000-07:00

Words are an oddity, and most seem to be wasted now. It is said somewhere between fifty and ninety-three percent of communication is non-verbal, so we can agree that the majority is non-verbal. Then why are words so important, why do each sentence I choose to say seems to be weighed with a certain discernment. Too many words said and the message becomes over-used and feels stuffed with filler, too little and the message could be lost somewhere in translation from my lips to your ears.

Too much travel and too little sleep results in sickness for me. The weekend was a whirlwind of here to there adventures. Thursday: a camping trip that was put together in a couple of hours. I tend to forget how clear the stars are without the lights of town when I get caught up in life. I still giggle like a 12 year old girl when a group of us are trying to go to sleep in the same tent. “Ha! Look who’s not talking and look who is!” Why is it that when you go camping no matter how late you go to bed you tend to get up at the crack of dawn? We decided that trying to cook scrambled eggs for breakfast would be too much work so we packed up camp and made the Village Idiot(Village Inn for those of you who don’t get the reference) do all the work.
After watching Pirates of the Caribbean 2 Bri, Mat, and myself packed up for the weekend and headed over to Cheyenne. The evening was spent at Cheyenne Frontier Days at the carnival. Half of the time was spent thinking “I hope to god we weren’t like that when we were in Junior High” But the truth of it was we probably were, we would like to think we weren’t but we thought we owned the world and we didn’t owe anyone else the time of day or respect because no one gave it to us. I still hold out some hope that we weren’t quite as bad as them.
Saturday we drove down to Denver for the concert we have been waiting for, for months. The Hush Sound, The Dresden Dolls, and Panic! At The Disco. The show was amazing, all of the acts were great and if you have not heard of them I suggest you go check them out. Do it! Now! Amanda and Brian of the Dresden Dolls put on an amazing show, better than what I could have imagined. It was well worth the 2 hours we stood in-line outside in the sun, in Denver heat.

“all I know is that all around the nation
the girls are crying and the boys are masturbating”
–Shores of California by: The Dresden Dolls Album: Yes, Virginia

Should we be careful with our words, how much we use them? Maybe, but maybe not. Most of us have now headed west. To find the sun? To find ourselves? If we go far enough west we'll hit palm trees and sand, eventually getting lost in the depths of salt water and sea weed.

Here is something I have been working on for a bit:

Neck Ties
I believe everything has a direct cause
and effect: open the refrigerator
door and the light goes on; build
it and they will come; step on the
left and you go a little faster; step

on the right, you stop. But like everything
else, I’ve been known to take this
too far: I believe Euripides performed
his tragedies in the morning and his

comedies at night so News at 6 could show
their accidents by 6:15 and I can tune in
late for just Sports, Weather, and

Entertainment. I believe the Vikings worshiped
a god of both war and poetry so samurai could
write haiku so there could be cameras in
Normandy, cameras in Bosnia, and cellphones
in London. Scheherazade sung 1,001

stories so there could be a million man
march on Washington. The Romans named mice after
muscles so I can be born in the year of
the rat. I believe Persians invented shish

kebab because they only had their daggers so
the Chinese could invent chopsticks because knives
were too barbaric for the table. (I believe
the internet was invented so poets could

do fact-checking) Melville wrote Moby Dick
so he could die. Freud invented free association

so Ginsberg could write. I believe Icarus lost his wings
so my friend could lose his finger. We voted for 4 more years

of Bush for 4 more soldiers accused
of rape. We teach children long division

so they could learn movement from a desk-driven
science. I believe in a world
of strict causality. Making sense of the world
any other way is just too much work.
- B.A.S.

Because Mandy Said I Should...

2006-06-27T13:35:00.000-07:00

And my brain is still fried from Pride this weekend.

5 Things In My Refrigerator
- bottled water
- Bacon
- Turkey lunch meat
- Diet Pepsi (Jen’s not mine)
- and a bunch of to-go boxes that have probably turned into science experiments as well

5 Things In My Closet
- A tote filled with Christmas lights and bedding
- 16 ties that really don’t match anything else I own
- 8 pairs of wearable shoes
- At least 6 different clothes with plaid on them
- A black and pink checker-boarded dress

5 Things In My Workbag/Backpack/Purse
Yep this is for my backpack.
- Two books (The Fuck-Up By: Arthur Nersesian and The Perks of Being a Wallflower By: Stephen Chbosky)
- a notebook
- An Athens Boys choir Patch, not sure why in the backpack instead of on it.
- A package of high-lighters
- A fossilized piece of a squid (a present from a friend)

5 Things In My CarWell,
I don’t have a car so this one is kind of pointless

5 People I Tag
- Jim
- Benny K
- Brian
- Bri
- Mat

Plus One- Michael J. Fox

And Maybe There is a God…

2006-06-07T16:26:00.000-07:00

The news came this morning from my roommates on the couch, after my shower. The Federal Marriage Amendment was defeated today. They had to get a two thirds vote to send it to the Senate. The voting today ended in 49-48. But knowing out “fearless leader” this won’t stop him in trying to push this through congress. If this goes through in the future the measure will deny marriage to same-sex couples and seriously threaten civil unions and domestic partnerships. We are still not in the clear though, at least 13 states have passed amendments banning gay marriage while only two -- Vermont and Connecticut -- have legalized civil unions. If we keep fighting and raising our voices, we can make a difference to let our government know that we won’t stand for discrimination in this country in any form. While I was surfing the news articles this morning I came across an article that interviewed a black clergyman that had been apart of the civil rights march on Washington. He accused gay rights activists as trying to hijack the movement saying these are not civil rights issues. I strongly disagree, civil rights issues are human rights issues, and I assure you we are all human, and to deny humanity rights is wrong.
HRC News Coverage
Gay.com News Coverage
MSN News Coverage

For some reason this got me thinking about the troops America has over in Iraq, I am not sure how the line got there but it did, to question Squid’s line of thought would be a very scary thing. Yesterday was D-Day, not many people realized that or at least what I saw anyways. I saw the 6-6-06 dooms of apocalypse, “national emo beat down day”, and the release of The Omen. But no mention of the remembrance of D-Day. Yesterday was the 62nd anniversary of the reinvasion of Europe at Normandy. Sixty-two years ago, we began the last great push in the liberation of Europe. This may have been the most idealistic moment in American history since the Civil War.

Apropos of current events, General (later President) Eisenhower wrote a draft message in the event the landings failed. It is interesting to see the changes he made from the initial version he prepared. Here's how the first draft read (more or less; he was obviously editing as he wrote):

"Our landings in the Cherbourg-Havre area have failed to gain a satisfactory foothold, and the troops have been withdrawn. This particular operation was based upon the best information available. The troops, the air and the Navy did all that Bravery and devotion to duty could do. If any blame or fault attaches to the attempt it is mine alone. "

Here's the final version:
"Our landings in the Cherbourg-Havre area have failed to gain a satisfactory foothold, and I have withdrawn the troops. My decision to attack at this time and place was based upon the best information available. The troops, the air and the Navy did all that Bravery and devotion to duty could do. If any blame or fault attaches to the attempt it is mine alone."

Note the changes and how Ike consciously took responsibility for the possible failure. Any chance we'd see a message like that today? Would Bush, or any of our Generals now take that responsibility? I doubt it.
What a wonderful leadership we are living under.

Currently listening to:
Pink feat. The Indigo Girls
“Dear Mr. President”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9eDJ3cuXKV4

And It's Here Without a Warning

2006-05-28T13:12:00.000-07:00

In the time span of not even a month summer has hit full force. Here in Wyoming it seems like we have no gradual change in temperature from freezing to scorching. One day you think spring might be around the corner, and Mother Nature laughs at you and dumps a good four inches of snow on you that night. But it is certain now that summer is here and won't be going away for a while. Hopefully. While growing up one year it did snow on the Fourth of July while watching the fire works, it was quite bizarre and surreal as I recall.

Summer comes in with shorts and tank tops, bike riding and trying to find activities to fill the empty space between work and bed. My summer so far has been mainly filled with moving into my new apartment with my new roommate, and all of the chaos that usually goes with it. Realizing we don’t have things like tape or band-aids at the wrong time. Deciding on shelving and do we really need a (some sort of kitchen device) now? Well, not really, but it is cool and cheap right now. And of course assembling said shelving at 11:30 at night, yes, I am sure our neighbors love us. My days are spent normally sleeping in, then catching the University bus into work, staring at a computer screen for about 4 hours, riding the bus back home, cooking, watching TV, and then heading to bed. I have come to the conclusion that I am going to run out of books to read by the end of summer, so if any of you guys have suggestions let me know. I have already read four books since the end of school.

I am not really a creature of habit; I love spontaneity and having something new and different to experience. So, this summer has felt like the days are dragging on like emulsified honey that has sat in the cupboard and crystallized. Recently my nights have found me sitting on rooftops debating life, and forming some kind of jam session while people on the street pass by and must think we are crazy. Finding out that not all situations change as much as you had first thought they had. Every now and then it hits me like a sting of lemon juice in a paper cut that things have changed and along with that memories and experiences flood my thoughts. Calling up a feeling of emptiness and wondering if moving on and finding more connections will help fill that void. Instead I will take it a day at a time and remember that life seems it always has a surprise up her sleeve around the corner.

Will You Take Action?

2006-05-23T13:59:00.000-07:00

Congress will vote on the discriminatory Federal Marriage Amendment as early as June. Your members of Congress need to hear from you!

Yes! I oppose discrimination in the Constitution

If you believe that the Federal Marriage Amendment is wrong please go to the HRC website and let your Senator's and Represenatives know. Tell them to vote no.

What I learned from this semester??

2006-05-15T17:47:00.000-07:00

I am a worrier, I worry about everything, anything, and things that don't even concern me. I worry that I might be losing everything. I worry that somehow I've lost my rhythm.
I have heard many people tell me that I can write. I can't not really I have no points to make I just blabber on and on so when they tell me this I just shake my head. I don't know what good writing is. I'm no Emerson, Robert Frost. I'm no Shakespeare. Those people were great and knew how to connect with audiences.

In high school I was the dissident who roamed the halls, who tapped magazine clippings to her locker in a vain attempt to change the world. Who was I kidding, some how trying to raise awareness in a place no one really looks.
I told you, I'm losing everything. I'm losing them to their bullshit. I'm losing her to the pain. I'm losing me to something I can't even find.
And maybe that's the problem. I can't find it. I can't reach it. I can't quite get there. Only I'm stretching my arm until it hurts. It hurts.

The end of this semester leaves me feeling like a vase that has been shattered into a thousand pieces and meticulosly glued back together. At a quick glance no one can tell I've been broken, but after further examination you can see the little cracks, and don't fill me up with water out of fear that somehow it will leak through. I have come to the conclusion that growing up has nothing to do with hitting puberty or life experiences but rather at which point you determine your own assests.

Growing up also has to do with connections, everyday we come into contact with people. Severing connections is one of the most painful things I have to do. To know that a connection was there that now can no longer be, hurts more than diving head first into saltwater with a thousand wounds. Some days it feel like there isn't enough oxygen in the water I've been breathing. Is it even worth making connections anymore with others? With joy comes pain, because it is said that without pain we cannot truly understand and feel joy. So I could avoid pain but never really know joy? I don't think so, I don't want to believe that is true, I want to belive that we have a reason for the connections we make in our daily lives, with the friendships we forge. I sit in air conditioned rooms with boxes of words all around me. I can't stand sitting there most days because I can't move to see things better. To see people better.

It's scary to not be able to run away from yourself. In the dream you can run away from the monster, but I can't run away from myself. I can't get out of my own head. I grab my backpack and heave my black burden on my shoulders. It is my life. Those are my books. It is my backpack and I am stuffed inside, scratching at the zipper. And this is all just simple pages on my mind, nothing to take to heart.

Primavera

2006-05-02T17:43:00.000-07:00

It seems that spring brings changes of different madnitudes each year. A time of rebirth, moving on, finishing up the year in academia. Friends graduate and move on with their lives and I will be moving on with mine into a new apartment. Can we remember to breath when the world seems spinning to fast to hold on to this time? Sunday mornings spent over breakfast warm my heart and give me hope that not all friendships die.

I've fogged up the windows again,
shooting my mouth off
and laughing a little too loud.
I promise to not keep you awake
if you promise to not kick me out.
The conditions are new
and I'm unsure of where I stand.
I promise not to get hurt,
if you promise not to keep picking me up at 3 am,
if you promise not to tell me things I don't need to know.
I promise to keep my distance
staying on my side of the fence
as long as you don't jump the pickets.

2006-04-28T13:43:00.000-07:00

Its been an odd week. Can't find the right words to express how amazing Day of Silence was, it will come as a later post I promise. Its Friday, the last day of classes before finals, and for that I am very grateful, and I should come out of this semester with a 3.0 (keeping fingers crossed). Midnight rains spent on the balcony while the chill of rain runs through me. I am looking forward to summer, I acutally have a job I will enjoy. I am a lab assistant over the summer woohoo!! No more restaurants! At least for now anyways, just the other day I was thinking I should get a part time job in another restaurant just for the hell of it, I kinda miss the kitchen commrade. That is about it for now, hope finals and end of the semester stuff is going good for all of you guys.

I Don’t Know:
Cannot find the words to say I'm sorry
Don't know how to show you I was wrong

Wasted all that you had given to me

Now I'm left with nothing and no one

And I find it's my fault

I'm the only one to blame

For the tears and the pain

I don't know what I can say

Or would it matter anyway

'Cause I don't know how you could still forgive me

For all that I have put you through

Is there anything that I can do

All my life has lead to this decision

To return and ask you this one thing

And if I had one chance or if a million

Would it ever be enough for me

To explain what I've done

Now I know that I was wrong

Will you hold me again

I don't know what I can say

Or would it matter anyway

'Cause I don't know how you could still forgive me

For all that I have put you through

Is there anything that I can do

I would give my life to find your mercy

I don't know what I can say

Or would it matter anyway

~I Don’t Know, Third Day Album: Come Together

Knuckle Down

that's just my cowgirl alter-ego

riding on her bar room bull

dripping with the sweat of irony

as the cowboys whoop and drool

shooting glances at the mirror

to see if her scar is showing

she is truly going nowhere tonight

lecherous old lady wanna-be

much too young and shy

flailing her whole life

just thinking she can teach herself to fly

vehement romantic

frantic for forever right now

but forever's going nowhere tonight

sick of goading her self-loathing

she thinks, i think i'd better leave

'course whiskey makes me smarter

and i'm happy as can be

but please excuse me darlin

it's not you

it's me

and there's a dusty old dust storm on mars,

they say

so tonight you can't see it too clear

still i stood in line to look through their

telescope

looked like a distant ship light

as seen from a foggy pier

and i know that i was warned

still it was not what i hoped

yes i know that i was warned

still it was not what i hoped

i think i'm done gunnin to get closer

to some imagined bliss

i gotta knuckle down

and just be ok with this

i'm gonna knuckle down

just be ok with this

'course that star struck girl is already someone i miss

i swear some stuff you just see better from further away

and i think i communicate best now, the less i say

and i can't dance if the band can't play

and the vibe is going nowhere tonight

'cuz somewhere between Hollywood and its pretty happiness

and an anguish so infinite it's anybody's guess

is a place where people are all teachers

and this just one long class

and that ass will get you nowhere tonight

there's a dusty old dust storm on mars they say

so tonight you can't see it too clear

still i stood in line to look through their

telescope

looked like a distant ship light

as seen from a foggy pier

and i know that i was warned

still it was not what i hoped

yeah i know that i was warned

still it was not what i hoped

i think i'm done gunnin to get closer

to some imagined bliss

i gotta knuckle down

just be ok with this

gotta knuckle down

just be ok with this

'course that star struck girl

is already someone i miss

"We Interupt Our Regularly Scheduled Programming...

2006-04-25T10:47:00.000-07:00

To bring you an inside look into the Squid's life right now. "

Spastic flailing over here...happy dances in that corner...the doom song up the stairs and to the left...DO DE DO WAFFLES!!! in the kitchen...light fixture hanging and focusing around back... drag kings at the front door...SHHH Silence is only a day away.

Oh yeah.. Hi Guys *waves and smiles* just a quick note to let you know things are going well on my end. I have been planning and preparing for the University of Wyoming's first Day of Silence(which is tomorrow for all of you in town) We are starting off the events with Shout Out Before the Shut Up this evening, and the silence will begin tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. There will also be a silent lunch in the student union from 12-1, and then of course our Breaking The Silence rally that evening at 5. I am finally getting excited about tomorrow for the longest time I was just nervous, and still excited isn't quite the right word either. We are going to be making a huge difference tomorrow here on campus. What are you doing where you are to end the silence?

I promise a more detailed post with all sorts of goodness will be posted later but for now I am off to save something or other spasitically or probably just by mere chance before tomorrow. And also check all the little details for tomorrow.

"We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming."

12 1/2 hours and I swear you would be loopy too.

2006-04-01T22:19:00.000-08:00

Blarg! Alarm blaring in my ear the only thought in my head was that it honestly couldn't be 8:30 in the morning already, but sure enough the morning came quickly, and rolling out of bed was the hardest thing this morning especially with a little bit of a hangover. First things first cure hangover, 2 glasses of water, 3 ibuprofen, some toast, and of course a nice hot shower.

Last night I took second at the slam, which was awesome, and the after party was of course fun. I hadn't necessarily forgotten that we had tech rehearsal today I just ignored the fact. But as 9:30 finally came around I was excited about finally helping out with my first show at the University. The Student Directed One Acts will be showing tomorrow all the way through Wednesday, and I was asked if I would run the lighting board. We got to Fine Arts this morning and I was terrified that I would some how push the wrong button and the theater would implode or something, yes I know, an irrational fear, but a fear none the less. We ran cue to cue and then tech run-throughs today, and after about 9 hours of being stuck in the lighting and sound both the tech team tends to get a little loopy I have found out. By the time we got to the end of the 6th play, the booth did a lovely serenade to all of the people in the house because we were finally done, with no huge problems. YAY!!! So tonight was ended with the post-show music playing while the actors tore down set, all the while the booth singing:

"When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be." ~ Let It Be, The Beatles

Making a Difference

2006-03-27T16:16:00.000-08:00

Saturday morning came more quickly than expected, especially since my alarm clock didn't go off, will have to check on that. I was trying to prepare for a big day, so I thought I would get up early to double check that I had everything, instead I woke up 20 minutes before Jim was suppose to pick me up. Running around half dressed throwing things into my duffel bag, a mental check list ran threw my head most important first:
Tuxedo (shirt, pants, and jacket with tails): Check
Bow-tie: Check
Cuff Links: Check
Cumber bun: Check
Hair Gel: Check
Wallet, phone, keys: Check
Books (something to do while oil gets changed): Check
PJ's: Check
Stuffed Animal Puppy: Check
Oh crap...shoes I need black shoes, and I can't wear white socks, shit...shit... ok so the socks don't exactly match but they are both black, so I through them in as well. About this time Jim drove up and I ran out the door, still feeling like I forgot half of my body. Driving down to Ft. Collins I realize it’s only the camera I had forgotten, which is semi-replaceable with a quick stop for a disposable camera.

As we drove into Denver, I didn’t know what to expect from the day, I was nervous and excited, still in awe that I was going to a dinner that could possibly have some very important people at it. We got ready and dressed for the dinner at one of Jim’s friend’s house, me not quite sure how to piece the tuxedo together and feeling uncomfortable, “Would I be too over-dressed, would I be out of place being the only girl in a suit?” Then I remembered that I may be all of those things, but that is ok because I am more comfortable in a suit than what I would be in a dress, and getting dressed up is fun for me. After a little help with the cuff links, and making sure the hair was good to go and the cumber bun was the right side up, we were off, two very handsome people, Jim and I.

We came in the back way to the Tabor Center, and self-parked so we missed seeing Fred Phelps, which I can’t say I was sad about. Walking into the lobby of where we would have dinner and seeing so many bears donated by names I recognized, names that by them donating a bear said yes I am support this foundation, I am supporting anti-hate against the LGBT community, I am pushing for acceptance of diversity throughout society, it honestly floored. I am not sure why it came as a surprise to me that so many support the “good fight”, maybe because this showed me that we really are not alone in that fight. I met people Saturday night that in my mind were the for-runners and leaders of our social movement, people to be in awe of, but Jim leaned over and said, “Remember honey, they are just people, simple as that, just like you and me.” I was introduced to representatives from GLADD, the Foundation, and people who used to work there, or works with them. Every time Jim would introduce me he would say something along the lines of, “This Brittany one of our Board members of Spectrum, and she has also organized the University’s first Day of Silence.” People congratulated me, and offered help and support, they gave their cards and said call if you need anything, they were ( I can’t find the right word, proud maybe, amazed maybe) but it was something that shocked me. By the end of the night I had the Foundation’s support, and I am suppose to drop an e-mail to them to get a box of bracelets from the Foundation to hand out at Day of Silence.

Dinner was absolutely amazing, chicken and mmm just goodness. I heard a college student accept an award for Making a Difference, and his confidence in what he has done and all that he has done made me cry, I also heard Judith Light and Robert Disiderio speak and there conviction of their beliefs put into action brought tears to my eyes as well. I met some amazing drag queens, with huge hearts, that I hope to see again in April for Wyoming Aids Walk, and made some new friends I do believe.

Saturday night made me realize that we are never alone in the fight for acceptance and understanding. What we do here at the University of Wyoming does not only make a difference here, but every where it effects the cause in a good way. What we do matters and changes societies views, granted it may be slowly, but change does happen, not only here in our community but across the country as well.
“Now, do you see Brittany, why so many people are proud of what you’ve done on campus?”

I do. Now. I am proud of the fact that I have headed the group to organize the University of Wyoming first Day of Silence. I am also very proud and grateful to everyone who has helped out along the way, the Spectrum Board, and our group members all who have huge hearts and bigger generosity.

So…The University of Wyoming will be hosting its first and hopefully annual Day of Silence on April 26th. The Day of Silence is a silent protest against the discrimination, harassment, and prejudice of anti-LGBT. But the Day of Silence Project is more than being silent for a day. It’s about raising awareness around LGBT issues, making a visible personal commitment to justice and equality. The positive and visible silence that we are creating turns the destructive silence created by homophobia and heterosexism on its head.

The last day of Spring Break and I am stuck working all day.

2006-03-19T16:06:00.000-08:00

Oh well, probably for the better. There is snow covering the ground outside right now anyways. Leave it to Wyoming to be nice the week before spring break and dump snow on us all throughout the week of Spring Break.

Miles Driven: 1,995
Miles Walked: 16
One new tie
One new hat
A new pair of shorts
And a couple more comics

I started off Spring Break with a weekend trip to Vegas. It was awesome, we got into Vegas around 1:00 in the morning on Saturday and we were all to excited and to much adrenaline pumping to actually go to bed, and since in Vegas there are people up 24 hours a day, we all got dressed up and went out on to the strip, wandered around part of Caesar’s Palace and ended up in the casino at the Excalibur until 5:30 in the morning. Walking back to our hotel at 6:00 in the morning we were rained on a little and watched the sun rise over the Strip. Saturday was spent wandering around shops and getting our tickets for KA the Cirque Du Soleil show we went and saw Saturday night. Words cannot explain the show, I was on the edge my seat the entire night with partial audience participation (mainly just actors running into the seating area), the staging and lighting were fascinating and the pyrotechniques were fabulous. The rest of the weekend was mainly more walking around.
We're not letting go this time, days wasted together can be the most valuable in a life.

I have finally gotten my leaner's permit (yes again, someday I swear I will get my license) and drove Sunday night from Vegas up to Cedar City, UT. Wednesday some of my friends decided to steal away to Ft. Collins and Denver for a couple days, so we invaded the comic book shops, video arcades, and yes had bed jumping contests in our hotel room.
To find a soul so like your own can be scary some days, hold on to those friends.

On the way to Ft. Collins, Jim called me to see what I was up to. What followed was an enormous opportunity for youth in the area. Next weekend is the Matthew Shepard foundation's "Bear to Make a Difference" Dinner in Denver, CO. Jim found out that there was a scholarship available for youth 15-20 who submitted an essay on "What Embracing Diversity means to you." There were a limited number of scholarships available, but soon after I submitted my essay I received an e-mail stating that I have been selected to attend for the 5th Annual Bear to Make a Difference Dinner and Celebrity Teddy Bear Auction. So next weekend I will find myself in Denver, again at what hopes to be an amazing evening. The dress code for the evening is black-tie optional and instead of wearing a formal dress I might be looking into renting a tux for the evening :)
I wouldn't give any of it up for second try, growing into ourselves is the greatest time of our lives. It will be hard, but there are days that make up for the rest of them.

On a more solemn note, back in February I lost a good friend of mine that lived in Jackson. I received the news on a Sunday that Travis had been found dead by his mom in his bedroom. Travis was one of my dear friends and my best friend Sarah's boyfriend. He had taught me how to skateboard, and introduced me to Tool. When Sarah figured she had no other options except to runaway in the 8th grade she stole away to Travis's house in Jackson for about a week and half, and I went with her. Travis was one of the most caring, easy-going guys I've known. In 2003 Travis was diagnosed with HIV. It was the most difficult thing for him to swallow. Shortly there after I lost contact with him as did most other people. Last December the HIV had developed into full blown AIDS, Travis couldn't handle it and took his own life. This though is to the Travis I knew, to the inventor of the sign GAME CROSSING game (Parcheesi, and Sorry), to sneaking into movies and love a of snowboarding, who taught me to play Grand Theft Auto, and how to unlock all of the secret codes in Tony Hawk's Skateboarding. To contemplating why the stars really existed (to be full of beauty on dark nights when you cannot find yourself) To the guy full of love.
“Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life” ~The Fray

Excerpts From Traveling to the Heartland.

2006-01-21T13:18:00.000-08:00

1/3/06 7:24 a.m. Central Time

We are rolling into Hastings, NE, and the sun is just now rising. Hastings seems bigger than I would have imagined, but still familiar, local, and rural. The stop here for the train is brief and on our way out of town we pass a pharmacy and cafe that look like they could have been a still frame from the '70's. It made me smile for some reason like a piece of life frozen in time. We ride past early morning traffic cruising along side of the train, trying to avoid the chill of the frozen dew that is covering everything here in Nebraska this morning.
As the sun rises it reveals fog and haze covering crops and fields that stretch out flat for miles on end. The sky has a grey orange tint to it that makes it look ominous if it wasn’t for the florescent pink and orange clouds scattering the horizon.
If a person could tell how the day would go from sunrises, most days would be heart-breakingly beautiful. They would be days that unfold and envelope with colors that seem new and rare, and will happen only this once just for you, a day that holds nothing but hope and promise. A sky like this one with its brush stroke colors of yellow, pink, orange, and red; trailed across an indescribable blue with wisps of a grey-purple could offer you the world and you would take it without questions or reasons. But unfortunately as the sky slowly fades into the background of dead silhouetted rows of trees, I remember that this is just another day, and I remember where I am headed and why I am on this train.
But maybe we should let the sky foretell our day. After all who would know better how the days is going to go besides the force that brings your days around.

Well the sun rose with so many colors
It nearly broke my heart
And worked me over like a work of art
And I was a part of all that

So go ahead, push your luck
Say what it is you've got to say to me
We will push on into that mystery
And it'll push right back
And there are worse things than that

'Cause for every price
And every penance that I could think of
It's better to have fallen in love
Than never to have fallen at all

'Cause when you live in a world
Well it gets in to who you thought you'd be
And now I laugh at how the world changed me
I think life chose me after all
- Dar Williams, After All

WOOOO!!! CLASSES!!!

2006-01-10T15:48:00.000-08:00

I have now gone to all of my classes except one which only meets Thursday evenings. I may be the biggest dork in the world for saying this but I am so excited to be back in school. My theater classes are going to be awesome, you know it is going to be a good class when the teacher lectures that his goal for the semester is to offend everyone in the class at least once. My history professor is sort of monotone, so Ainsley, Jessi, and myself have promised to poke each other in class to make sure we are not elsewhere. English eventhough it is at 8:10 in the morning should be good, the teacher is seems really good, and hopefully my grammer and writing technique will improve greatly. Hopefully my Women Studies course is not to overwhelming on Thursday.

As you probably figured since have been to my classes I made it back from Chicago. I made it back all in one piece, but the FAFSA still isn't signed. All of the information has been filled out and sent in, but instead of printing out the signature paper and mailing it in, they sent out for a PIN and now have to wait until that comes back in the mail. We will see how that goes.
Wicked was amazing. I can't even begin to describe the play. The energy from the time I stepped into the theater, was a full buzz of excitment from everyone there. While standing outside the theater in line, a guy came up to me and asked if I would be able to take a picture of him and his friends. Of course I said yes, took the picture and went back to standing in line, and the next thing I know is the same guy is walking back to me. He just gives me a hug and goes back inside. Random hugs are great.

Three Years...too short...or too long?

2006-01-02T11:10:00.000-08:00

My train leaves Unoin Station in Denver for Chicago in about 7 hrs and 10 minutes. I am all packed, have my outfit for Wicked, I thought about taking my suit to wear but decided that might not be the best idea or way to handle the situation. My train survival kit from Ainsley and Lauren has been rearranged into my backpack. I am having to remind myself to breathe. I am terrified to see my mom again because a part of me still wants her love and acceptance, I know its almost not worth it but she is still my mom. I realized today that I haven't seen her in three years.

Bah, yes the Sock God has spoken

2005-12-31T15:54:00.000-08:00

Having not been in classes this past semester, I was bored most of the time and very unhappy at my job, but now being registered for full-time classes next semester, I am beginning to worry that I am not going to have what it takes for school, but of course this is all nervous apprehension.

Oh yeah, yes you heard me right up there, I am now registered for Spring courses. As Linus said I had to put my mom into a head lock and punch her in the ear until she filled out the FAFSA. That and I threatened to not come and see her unless she did, yes I resorted to blackmail, and actually no I don't feel all that bad about it. Now I am just worried that for some reason financial aid won't go through and I will have to drop all of my classes.
Right now I am registered for 15 credit hours:
ENGL 1010
HIST 1211 U.S. to 1865
THEA 1000 Into to Theater
THEA 1100 Beginning Acting
WMST 4500 Queer Theory ( Tessa you are going to be my saving grace in this right? right!?)

Yet again, it is that time of year to remember and try to memorialize the past year. I am not sure if I really want to. Don't get me wrong the past year has been great, I have grown more into who I am, becoming my own person and able to stand up to my parents to an extent. Except that when my dad quit his job back in the middle of Nov. I don't have the guts to tell him to grow up and take responsibility for himself instead I pay for dinner when we go out. I still cower under the pressure of my mom. I have made some new great friends, finally decided that I am going to declare as a theater major emphasis in lighting and a minor in creative writing. I Spent six months listening to New Yorkers yell about cable, and could probably reboot any cable box to try and stop it from freezing. Learned to live with 5 other people in one house. But what have I really learned? I can't say for sure because it is lying within the depths of my heart, but I have learned to love, if anything else love. So into the next year I will take with me love, of myself and you all. I will take the knowledge that great things can come from the smallest actions and the memories I have shared with everyone.

Have a safe New Year's eve, and if I don't talk to you until next year have a great beginning of the year.
Love always,
Squid

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
and call me on and on across the universe.
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box,
They stumble blindly as they make their way across the universe.
Jai guru deva om.

Nothing's gonna change my world,
Nothing's gonna change my world,
(Across The Universe by, Rufus Wainwright)

"Thank you for calling Time Warner Cable."

2005-12-01T09:59:00.000-08:00

"My name is Brittany, I do apologize but my system is currently down. If you have any general or basic questions I'd be more than happy to address those, but if not I would advise you to call back with in 15-20 minutes."

Sitting at work, the system has crashed again and not just mine most of the center's has. So the call queue(sp?) is low and I am bored out of my mind. There are probably many other things I should be doing like learning how to bundle Aol and RoadRunner together, or writing poetry for the next slam on Dec. 9th, but instead I am writing on here.

Weekends tend to blur together with little sleep and overloading on socialization. The last slam on Nov. 18th went well, met new friends and took second over all. The night was filled with nervous tension, from competeing in the slam to falling head over heals on a crush that would be leaving in 3 days. Drunk wrestling leaves the body sore and bruised in really random places, then of course there is the photo graphic evidence of said wrestling that is embarassing as well.

Thanksgiving weekend was a nice relaxing break. I had Flock Hall all to myself for about 4 days, I spent Turkey dinner with my friend Jes and her family, stuffing ourselves with turkey, sweet potatoes, homemade bread, and too much video gaming. I have since become addicted to The L Word and am trying to make it through season 2 now with Jes before the premier of season 3 on Jan. 8th. Saturday night I found myself in a formal dress, high heels, makeup, and my hair curled(all by myself I might add, you would have been proud of my hair Gina) for Phantom of the Opera in Denver. The show was absoultly amazing, from the costumes to the performance, to the stage work, lighting, pyro-technics, and ahh just the theater! We spent the night in Denver and Sunday ended up spending the night down there again eventhough we could have made it home Sunday night we didn't want to take the risk. Sunday night we saw Rent with was really good and I ended up crying basically the last half of the movie.

Its official I am going to see "Wicked" orchestra sitting row F middle in Chicago, in January. That is how I am thinking of the trip that I am going to visit my mom in January, it is not really to visit or see her, it is to see "Wicked". My mom bought me tickets(train tickets) to go see her the 2nd-9th, should be great fun. Aidan, my step-father is currently trying to start a real estate business or something like that, and my mom is making candles for a living, along with trying to catch Aidan cheating on her with his secretary or so she says. But I'll be defiying gravity.
"It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!"

Today is World Aids Day. Today Laramie has what is called Dine out For Life day. Where restaurants in town donate a portion of their proceeds to help Wyoming residents living with HIV/AIDS and their families. These proceeds along with funds raised from the WyoAids walk in April help pay for medical needs for these families. I am sure that Dine Out For Life is not only happening here, so I urge you to get out today, find a restaurant that is donating some of their proceeds and treat yourself to a wonderful dinner, for a good cause! If you can't go out and eat then take a moment for those living with HIV/AIDS and maybe just take a moment of silence, get tested, educate yourself or friends, or take action and get involved with a group in your area dedicated to helping those living with HIV/AIDS.

Rubrics For Life:

2005-10-27T17:57:00.000-07:00

Late nights lead to.....even more late nights....and even longer days.

"God, there is only seven weeks left."
I didn't mean to looked pissed off, sad that the group..I...we have to deal with another departing of tea, folk, and....learning to live life.

Was it just me or did you hold your gaze just a moment longer so we could lock eyes? Probably just me as usual.
"She only drinks coffe at midnight, When the moment is not right Her timing is quite, unusual"

"That's great mom, instead of paying for my schooling you'll send me a present to make up for it," I say as I pick up the box that came in the mail for me. It is better than that though; they are in fact mess ups of the candle business she is now in, so not only is it a present to make up for not paying for schooling it is a broken present. A broken present to go with the vile guilt you gave to eat away at me.

Now remember what we learned last week, class, what is the one thing you do not say during the awkward moment of the evening when you are suppose to lean in and kiss her?
Doo Dee Doo Waffels

"We will kick them in the shins then they will have to give you money."

2005-10-24T09:30:00.000-07:00

"Either that or they will throw us in jail." Great

Friday's are still days to be on campus but now the purpose for being on campus on Fridays are a bit different for the past two weeks I have been battling the great fortress known as financial aid. Ok, so it really has been longer than that, but the search for money has been kicked into high gear recently. At the beginning of the semester I went to talk to the student attorney in Knight Hall, no real luck there except we found out that there are in fact exceptions to the rule only to be granted by the Dean of Financial Aid at the school. So I gather up my tax return from this year that clearly states I file as an independent, and my parents don't claim me, think that would be enough? Nope, Financial Aid tells me that first of all they only file probably 4 appeals for independent status a year, and secondly I have to be in an extenuating circumstance; such as proving with documentation physical or mental abuse, or basically the parents have to be in jail. Next step: look into emancipation, I fully qualify for it and the easiest way to get that done would be to ask both of parents just to sign the forms basically..... Right....asking my mom for emancipation this one is going to be easy, she had an emotional breakdown over the phone, and asked me why I hated her, didn't love her, and why I was trying to destroy the family. I didn't know how to respond, and I don't have the heart to hang up on her so when she was done I said goodbye and haven't brought it up since. But that is ok I found later that night by doing some research emancipation does not guarantee independent status anyways.

"For example, a child does not automatically become a ward of the court upon being incarcerated. Likewise, emancipation does not make a student a ward of the court. Neither incarceration nor emancipation of the student is sufficient on its own to make the student independent.

Emancipation occurs when the child is no longer under the legal authority and control of another. This can occur when the child reaches the age of majority, marries, enters military service, is fully self-supporting or by court order. An emancipated child is legally an adult. Since a child who reaches the age of majority can still be considered a dependent for financial aid purposes (and self-supporting is insufficient grounds for independent student status ever since the Bright-Line test was abolished in 1992), emancipation by court order is no different. The Higher Education Act specifies who is considered a dependent for financial aid purposes, and does not include an exception for emancipation. (Emancipation is defined by state law, and as such cannot overrule Federal law.) So even though an emancipated child no longer receives financial support from his or her parents, the parents are still obligated to complete the FAFSA form. However, the circumstances that lead a court to grant an emancipation petition might themselves be sufficient grounds for a dependency override. (Note that some states (e.g., Colorado) may allow emancipation as an alternative to age requirements for eligibility for in-state tuition. So emancipation can have an impact on state aid, but not on federal aid.)"
http://www.finaid.org/educators/pj/wardofthecourt.phtml

So I am kinda stuck at square one, I just need to find someone to marry, have a kid, or join the military. None of those options are overly appealing though. Maybe I will follow Tessa's advice find scholarships for culinary school and do what I want to do. I am getting pressure from my dad now to get back into school, but what is he doing to help? Not much, besides thinking of quitting Shari's and moving to New Mexico.

Never mind that though on to happier things. It is true fall has official come to stay; at least until the snow comes to stay. There is something so old and wonderful when walking home at night through dead lives. The smell of damp old earth and the sweet crispness of the leaves lead you to believe on silent nights that the fairies are still out being mischievous.

Punk Rock, Disco, and Brechtian Punk Cabaret...

2005-10-12T11:37:00.000-07:00

Will leave me brusied, exhausted, and happy. I have gotten roughly 9 hours of sleep since Sunday morning from a late night of too much coffee, but excellent conversation. I only slept an hour and went to work at 8 o'clock in the morning on Monday. Monday night the Fat Wreck Chords tour came through, yes, Laramie, WY!! w00t! The show had an amazing lineup - Smoke or Fire, The Epoxies, The Soviettes, and Against Me! I currently have a bruise under my left eye, my shins are black and blue, but being able to say I lost my glasses in the mosh pit, found them and did not break them makes up for it by quite a bit. Punk Rock is not necessarily about the music, not understanding half of the words, its about the scene, trying to give a damn without really giving a damn, about being able to connect with everyone at the concert on some higher plane for the duration of the show. It is about collective feeling.

Last night was an extreme change from Punk to 70's disco on roller skates. My knee is about twice its normal size because Squids really shouldn't be on rolly thingies, and it doesn't help when your friends find the ticklish spot. Instead of going to bed, like any normal person, afterward, we ate food at 2:00 in the morning, I stayed up and tried to watch a movie. Haven't had the opportunity to shut off my brain, and so I numb it with sensless entertainment.

And tonight was suppose to be another concert this time in Boulder. The Dresden Dolls are playing a show and if you have never heard of the you should definitely go check them out. But it seems that since I won't sleep with one of the people going, I make him uncomfortable. Even though we decided to be friends and were completely cool last time I saw him. Oh, well I should really use the time to sleep, but who needs it when so much caffine abounds and I can sleep when I am dead.

Poetry Slam this weekend, possibly another night of Static, and of course work (why did I decide to pick up OT this weekend when I am already exhausted?) Because I am the crazy person, it must be true. I even have a t-shirt that says it "Hooray that crazy person is here."

What Can I Say I Have No Excuse.

2005-09-13T21:45:00.000-07:00

I could go on to say as Linus suggested that I am a punkass and this will never happen again, but in all honesty it probably will, sorry guys.

One exciting thing that has happend recently is that my hair is no longer a natural color, yipee!! Saturday of Labor Day weekend, 5 of us pilled in Linus' car with four bottles of hair dye, a bleach kit, and hungry stomachs for Thai food. Linus, Mark, Tessa, Gina, and myself met Rachel and her sister, Anne, at the Thai Pepper for some much needed ethnic food. From there we wondered around 3 blocks of Ft. Collins and then took off to Rachel's house in Loveland for yet another grand hair dying adventure. While at dinner I had still not decided on how exactly I was going to dye my hair so Linus said," Fuck it, we are just going to blind fold you and you'll have deal with what we do to your hair." Everyone else liked the idea and well I don't care really so long as it has some color to it. They even had a secret meeting and this is what came from it enjoy :)

I have been trying to adjust and tell myself that it is really ok that I am not taking classes this semester. I am getting into the rythm of getting up every morning at 6:30 and am learning to talk back to angry New Yorkers, who call me yelling "Why is my cable turned off?!!" I figure at the rate I am making money I should be able to save enough by December to go back to school in the spring although, I might just work for an entire year so I have enough money saved to go to school for a complete year.

Fridays are my days to pretend that I am still a student on campus. I spend part of the mornings in the RRC, and let me tell you it is just not the same without Abra and Christin being there, no donughts for diversity, but it is someplace familar to go. I take my backpack with only my notebook and whatever novel I am reading for the week to the 3rd and 4th floors of Coe Library, somehow feeling like I am in enemy terriotry or that I am a traitor. I browse the shelves, pulling books from random and taking them to a desk and try to learn from them what I can in 2hrs or so. I haven't absorbed much in the two Fridays so far. Lunch is usually spent with who ever I happen upon in the Union which can somedays be a lot of people, and my afternoons are usually spent in whatever computer lab Tessa is working in for a while. I do however have an appointment with the student attorney on Friday to discuss my issue with financial aid, see if there is absolutly anyway around the stupid dependent rules because I have come to the conclusion that I cannot be the only person in this predicament.

At first I think no one is home and then I see you walking to answer the door, eyes glazed and groggy with sleep, hair touseld from the nap I just woke you from. You open the door, smile at me, my heart catches in my throat, at least that is what I think it is because for the moment I feel I can't breathe and the rushing of the blood in my ears is almost to loud to hear over. You ask me what is up. And for a second I forget what I came for... ... oh yeah, your heart.

I have found some new friends that I have been hanging out with a lot more. Not that I don't love the friends I have now, but is nice to have time with other friends since most of us live in the same house now, Flock Hall. We shall calll my new found friends "The Sarah's" because well, that is what we call them. There are two Sarah's and they live in the same house and usually have people over at their house, there is always something going on. Thursdays have become supper nights with them and all of our friends. I am still the youngest of that group but they are all closer to my age so it is not to bad ;) We hang out listen to hippie music like Phish and Modest Mouse, and discuss philosophy sometimes over the occasional bottle of whiskey shared between about 7 of us or some hope.

For now life goes on pretty much as it always has, one day at a time with time always trying to steal the day away, but it is the sunsets and crisp air of autumn that is around the corner in the mornings that are semi-grey on my way to work that are making it. It is the smiles and sincere words from friends that come unexpected that steal my day back away from time for a while.

"Yes sir, the cable box has to be plugged in....yes, to an electrical outlet...and the power turned on in order for you to watch the tennis match sir....no sir if it just ejected something, that would be your VCR...no I don't know where they would have installed your cable box."

Friend.

2005-07-27T18:25:00.000-07:00

Main Entry: ¹friend
Pronunciation: 'frend
Function: noun
1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem b : ACQUAINTANCE
2 a : one that is not hostile b : one that is of the same nation, party, or group
3 : one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)
4 : a favored companion
- be friends with : to have a friendship or friendly relationship with
- make friends with : to establish a friendship or friendly relations with
* from Merriam-Webster Online http://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/dictionary?book=Dictionary&amp;amp;va=friend&x=0&y=0

And a 6 letter word that breaks my heart every time.

Any time I try to tell some one I like them more just a friend and would like to see the relationship evolve into something more this is the response I usually get: "I think we should just be friends." "I like you too much as a friend." "You're kinda like a little sister to me.", or the fun "You're one of the guys Brittany I couldn't date you, it would just be weird." Hey, just what I need another friend, right? Maybe I should look at the fact that maybe they do just need a friend to hang out with, that I should take good friends as a compliment. There will be others as everyone says, my one is still out there somewhere, I guess. But it still doesn't make the hurt any less, or make me feel that I will always only be a friend and am not worthy of anything more....but being a friend is better than nothing, right? Friendship has it's perks, and maybe they can introduce me to one of there friends and who knows they might turn out to be more than a friend.

So that's it for now, just friends, you and me, I guess.

Can it be true summer is already half way gone?

2005-07-21T09:48:00.000-07:00

Punk rock shows...Christian music festivals...Open container days...random house parties. This what my weeks have been filled with for the most part so far. Along with working my ass off at two jobs, but not anymore :D!!!!!

About a week and a half ago I was hired at StarTek, which means after training I will working full-time and benefited, doubly w00t! Last night I also walked into the Overland and basically told them to go to shove there heads up something that wasn't there own ass...ok, maybe not really, but I did quit. I got sick of none of the other dishwashers doing their job, getting semi-accused of stealing random shit ( why would I take the egg slicer?), but the thing that pushed me over the edge was being accused of underaged drinking in the kitchen with everyone else when in fact I wasn't drinking at all that night. The other undergaed person who was drinking and myself were told we had to right a letter of apology to the owner for our behavior explaining our actions, and saying sorry...because he treats us well and pays us good (bullshit...oh did I say that?) so I walked in last night an hour before my shift and told them I wasn't working that night or ever again.

I now live with 5 other roomates...and I serioudly need to build a loft one of these days. Even though I live with them it feels like I hardly spend time with or see them any more because we are always around each other but we don't "hang out" like we use to. That's ok though momst of us are still trying to fit into a routine of somekind. This past weekend was spent in South Dakota at a two day music festival, I could bore you all with detials, but I'll just say I was at the front on the gate for Jars of Clay which made my month!

In less than a month I am goin to be in another wedding.., crap can it really be that soon? I should probably try on the dress tonight to make sure it fits. I am really more excited for after the wedding becuase then I will be able to dye my hair with the dye I bought close to a month ago or over, and maybe even punch more holes into me as well.

"guess there's something wrong with me
guess i don't fit in
no one wants to touch it
no one knows where to begin
i've got more than one membership
to more than one club
and i owe my life
to the people that i love
...
some days the line i walk
turns out to be straight
other days the line tends to
deviate
i've got no criteria for sex or race
i just want to hear your voice
i just want to see your face" ~Ani DiFranco, In or Out

Go West Young Nerd

2005-06-30T09:17:00.000-07:00

We salute our Locutus of Blog, Abra, as she joins the ranks of the graduated and begins her life in Seattle. We send her off with open hearts and our warmest of wishes. Take luck and enjoy your adventures, NerdyGirl, but remember we are only a blog post away.

I will miss our beloved NerdyGirl along with everyone else here I am sure. Don't drown out there in the rain, and as a good friend once told me, never lose your spice..it makes you who you are. I love you very much and will miss you dearly, keep us updated on your new adventures out west.

The Game That Everyone s Playing.

2005-06-15T11:43:00.000-07:00

Here are The Official Interview Game Rules:
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Questions from Linus:
1) If not a squid, then what? Hmmm, if not a squid...then I think I would have to go with either a squirrel because well they are kinda crazy too, and in some weird way adorably cute at least in my world; either that or maybe changing completely and going to bobcat or p-homie.

2) It's time for you to get a tattoo. Choose only one of the following, and explain your choice.
a) Wookie wearing a spidergag
b) Ewok in asschaps
c) A nude of Benji Madden with a nail through his penis
Wow, this is a difficult one, I do believe I have to go with the Ewok in ass chaps for a couple of reasons. One is Ewoks are much cuter than Wookies and there ain't no way in hell anything to do with Good Charlotte will ever be on my body. An Ewok in asschaps will be much less scarring and can be explained more easily than a wookie with a spider-gag, I would have nightmares for the rest of my life if that was on my body, and secretly I always wanted an Ewok as a pet as a little kid.

3) The Pope outlaws Punk. What do you do?
DAMN THE MAN!!!! First I would denounce anything to do with Catholicism, go shave my head into a mohawk and dye it, probably pierce lots of things and get a couple tattoos. Next I would devote my time to creating a time machine and travel back to the height of punk at its best in the 70's and early 80's. I would slowly but surely create a large follow of punks and then go to Italy stake out the Vatican and when the changing of the guards is in motion attack silently and swiftly (yes we have had plenty of training to take out the Swiss Guards, we have been training for at least months if not years). We as a group of Punks over throw the Vatican as a high power and institute the new idea of free thought and expression. yeah! Damn The Man!

4) You want fried rice for breakfast, but have neither rice nor soy sauce. Explain how you make it anyway. mmmmm fried rice....crap what do you mean no rice or soy sauce!!! This defiantlytly a plot to keep the squid at bay or at least grumpy because breakfast with out fried rice is to sad to go on. After a small minor break down for the crisis of the problem I look around the kitchen and find in the back of my cupboard I have orzo, now comes the tricky part I think I would have to make a mixture of balsamic vinegar, a touch of seasme seeds (for good luck) and throw in some salt. Fry that up together and throw on some allspice (because according to my mom it fixes anything) and top it with diced ginger and hope for the best and that I don't get food poisoning.

5) Due to radiation, animals gain intelligence equal to humans and the ability to speak. What animal do you want to speak to most?
I have to pick just one huh? I would almost want to talk squirrelslls because you know they see a lot just hanging around town all day. See how fun it would be to besquirrelell and all that fun stuff that way you can build up good relations with them and maybe if I talked to them nice enough I can get THE 'rang back that I am sure they are still worshipping over in the soccer practice fields, and then maybe even use them and a message service and possibly spy capabilities. Oh yeah! tsquirrelslls are my friends!!

In the past week there has been many trips made to Ft. Collins, well, at least for me. Last Friday the flock gathered and we decided all the food sucked in Laramie and road tripped down to Ft. Collins for buffet pizza at Woody's which was fantabulous. For much more detailed account you should go check out Ryan at The Leash. After dinner we decided to go check out a tattoo and parlor shop mainly for hair dye for me, but once we got their Linus and I were both josning to punch more holes into our bodies but resisted to. Mainly it was because that I had no money that I really could spend and I wasn't sure what I wanted to pierce(no it had nothing to do with Tessa not approving because the one thing she would disapprove of would be something I would never get pierced anyways) and so by tpersuasionion of Abra and Mandy and the other factors I walked away with just the hair dye. I ended up getting Atomic Pink and Fishbowl Blue by Special Effects and want to something close to this:

Hair dye option 1

Option2
With both pictures the green would be pink and the blue a more turquoiseise, but this still wouldn't be until after the wedding I am in in August so it will be a while for me to decide. Speaking of the wedding that I am going to be in Tessa and I and the other bridesmaid went down to Ft. Collins yesterday and bought the dresses, and here is a picture for all of you who I tried to describe it to last night and did a horrible job. The dress. And hopefully tonight I will be going back and eating tasty Ethiopian food, granted I have never had it and have no clue really if it is tasty or not, oh well.

Bits and Pieces

2005-06-11T21:13:00.000-07:00

Where You Don't Belong
You lay
On my kitchen floor
With no shirt on
Your fevered cheek
Resting for a moment
Against the cool
Linoleum
It was white
With squares
The same deep brown
As your eyes
And I knew
That no matter
What I did
I could never lift you
Up off that floor
So I turned the house
Upside down
And you fell onto the ceiling
Where you belong
~B.A.S.

Intersections
"Get saved now, ask me how!",
her bumper sticker exclaimed as we waited
at a busy intersection for the light to change.
"...Ask ME how!"
And I considered hopping out and
following her suggestion and wondered how she would react upon
seeing me tapping insistently on her tightly locked car door,
the traffic whizzing by,
her shopping bags lying on the backseat.
~B.A.S.

Fried Rice For Breakfast

2005-06-07T12:16:00.000-07:00

You know in about anywhere from 6th grade to 9th(ours was in 9th grade) the project you had to do for the class about "How to" and giving directions and what not? Most kids, in my class anyways, did things along the lines of how to tack a horse, how to shoot an arrow, how to golf, how to sew, how to pray; yes that last one was actually a presentation but the girl got about 5 lines into her showing and the teacher put a stop to it, man did that cause an uproar from parents. My presentation in my infinte genius was "How To Make Fried Rice" I had to do almost all of the prep work at home because we couldn't bring knives to school even for a presentation such as this, so I took them through step by step: first you will want to dice all of your veggies in about this size(showing them the green peppers and onions I had cut up), Scramble the eggs, which I had also done at home as well to save time in the class because we had a 15 minute time limit. After we had gone through all the prep work I heated up the electric skillet that I had borrowed, drizzled in about 1/2 a tablespoon of oil for mosture in the rice, adidng the rice with the soy sauce, smells flooding the class room, garlic and onions sauting. After everything was done cooking I served up a bowl for everyone in the room and told them the history behind fried rice itself, that it was actually a breakfast food in most oriental countries especially Japan, you take all of the left overs basically and fry them up together with rice and you have breakfast.

As I took the leftovers from last night's Chinese expedition and fried them up the smells flooding the Travis's small kicthen, this memory came violently back to me. Especially at break during school when I handed the electric skillet back over to Kathleen and told her that I had gotten an A on the project, she smiled at me and said "I am so proud of you." No big deal meant out of it, but to me that meant the world those simple words from her. I had forgotten how deeply shaken smells, with memories attached to them can rock you, until this morning.

Memories

Re-learning to Breathe

2005-06-06T14:34:00.001-07:00

Is One of the Hardest Things

Well it is official, we knew before that my new roomates were even girly than Mandy, but when I walk into the house with the stereo on shuffle with Lizzie Migurie, Aaron Carter, and the Spice Girls, something is very very very wrong. Lets just say that I am very happy that I will be moving out in a little less than two months..to where you might ask? That too has not been decided yet. I have a funny feeling that most of my stuff that is not in storage will actually not be broken into, maybe I'll just make another run out to storage and throw that stuff in there as well...that way even less of my stuff will have to come in contact with the girlyness and therefore less chance of infection of said girlyness.

My job at the Overland has been interesting...I was hired as a cook, started as a host and am now damned to the dish-pit for the rest of enternity. Normally I would not be complaining about this, happy space where no one bothers you and you really don't have to deal with the costumers. It is not so happy when I can't listen to music(well only if I bring my own disc-man and it really sucks), and I am only getting 5.50 an hour to do it. There are multiple other dish-washing jobs at there where I can start out at 6.50 or even 7 an hour. Currently though I am looking at taking a job with StarTek because I will make sem-decent money and recieve some benifits as well. We will see though if the Overland ends up working out or not.

Now I am off to save the world with caffine and Skittles! Oh Yeah!! A Couple of weekends ago some of the flock discovered a Jazz Club I think we should all go sometime get all fancied up and scare every one of it would be fun! Ok really leaving now.

That is about all that is going on, on the Squid front and in an effort to blend in with the rest of the flock I will end this post with some happy pictures. From the Graduation Party!!! Enjoy all and I promise pictures of Oklahoma are soon to come!

YAY! For hugs!

And over there we have the indeginous SCA person actually out in public, what a rare find indeed!

HA see there is photgraphic evidence that she can dance! :P

And Clay is terrified of the dancing girls.

Yay the flock in its entirty excluding Tessa and Gina because they had to leave early :(

I'mmm Backk!

2005-05-19T12:24:00.000-07:00

Since I haven't posted in a while I figure I will update you guys a little bit and then do a big post with pictures from the trip and what not. I am back safe and sound (for the most part) from my trip to Oklahoma City (OKC). I came back with just a few blisters and sleep deprivation. I am in the process of trying to find inspiration or something like that to pack my apartment and move. I am not looking forward to it because really it will basically be like crashing at some random place for two months. I also started my new job a couple days ago, instead of cooking or diashwashing for the summer I will be hosting (grrrrr) yes I hate dealing with people, besides they hired me for kitchen staff, but noo, I'll be working the front of house.

While on trips I tend to forget about everything else I have to deal with, which I consider to be pretty normal, but coming back I realized I had missed all of my freinds leaving. On one hand I was kinda happy about this because I suck at the whole leaving/ moving on thing, but at the same time I was really sad beucase that is not something you can really duplicate or anything. Walking up the stairs to my aparment there is a landing on the second floor where everyone dumps their stuff they no longer want or need, this time of year it is packed with crap becuase of everyone moving out. It wasn't the couch or old matress, or even hot pink underwear that caught my eye, but some old Ginger beer bottles that caused my heart to ache a little for I knew those belonged to Ben, and he had moved out. It hurt not beucase I thought I never would see him again because I knew I would and I will, but knowing that I can no longer walk down the hall, around the corner, late in the evening to share grapefruit soda, or left over Chinese with a freind. I also missed Christin and Rahcel leaving, but knowing they will be back as well is a little comfort. So this week I have been laying low for the most part trying to get things done but that never works I always find a way to procrastinate, speaking of which I am off to go through my life again, throw stuff away, and pack it into totes and into a storage shed for the summer. Pictures to come along with more exciting news (well maybe not exciting).

"In the rain, in the rain, people rush around on cold streets
Here's a shell to hear their heartbeats very loud, very loud
Where's the pain, it's only rain, it's only slowing down a workday
Only singing happy birthday to a crowd, very loud

So turn on the sky, let it hear what you're saying
For all that you are sayingAnd let it take you apart, to the elements of praying
Till we are only playing to the firmament
Till we are only playing to the firmament" ~Dar Williams

We must never, ever be boring.

2005-05-02T18:19:00.000-07:00

So in my theater class we read Angels in America, which is a very good play and I recommend it to all of you who have never read it. But anyways we only had to read the first part and post our thoughts on our discussion group FOR THE FIRST PART. Well, I was reading through them and besides being pissed off half of the time for ignorant comments, the spelling errors and grammatical errors, and the plain just not being able to understand what they are trying to say half of the time got to me. ( Yeah I know it sounds like on of my blog-posts, oh well) Well, I came across one that went a little like this

"I didn't really understand what the angels was trying to say or what kind of a book it was that she was giving Prior. I understood that the story goes, God got bored of the Angels and left to be with human kind. Or at least turned his attention to them. This immediately made me think of Jesus Christ because many people believe that that is why God chose to send him son at the time he did. I have heard stories of God getting bored with heaven and that's why he chose that time. It also makes sense becuase it says in the bible, In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth, but nobody takes time to notice that it also says God did this because he was lonely. Interesting that the book would pick up on this idea. It really struck a chord with me, that those who believe must not ignore the fact that God is known to get bored. HOpefully he doesn't get bored with us anytime soon."

Which is all from the second part of the play, and doesn't make any sense. I was reading this to Raksha and she said I should respond with this quote from Chuck Palahniuk,

"All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring. " - Chuck Palahniuk, "Invisible Monsters" I found it highly amusing and well did not have the guts to post it on the thread.
--
One final down, I BSed my way through 5 pages of an essay final in an hour and a half we'll see how that does me. After that I went to go sell back my books and they only took 2 of the five for the class and gave me $3.50 for it, it would almost been better to just keep the damn books, oh well. My other final is tomorrow and much happier, multiple choice and only 75 questions. Then off to watch Tessa read for her final and do laundry, clean my apartment before family gets here, pack half my stuff, and see practically all of my friends graduate in less than a week. Then it is off to Oklahoma City for a week where I will be building a house for Habitat for Humanity. Come back hopefully move into a new place, and start my new job cooking with my dad.
(was going to have cool photos here but it is not working because it hates me.)

Have a good week, and hopefully we'll see each other's smiling faces on the other side of this week.

"up up up up up up
points the spire of the steeple
but god's work isn't done by god
it's done by people" ~ Ani Difranco

Thoughts from the lab.

2005-04-24T11:08:00.000-07:00

The space between
The tears we cry is the laughter that
keeps us coming back for more
The space between
The wicked lies we tell to keep us safe
from the pain

Will I hold you again

These fickle fuddled words confuse me
Like will it rain today
We waste the hours with talking talking
These twisted games we’re playing

We’re strange allies
With warring hearts
What a wild eyed beast you be
The space between
The wicked lies we tell that hope to
keep us safe from the pain
...
The space between
Where you smile and hide
That’s where you’ll find me if I get to
go

The space between
The bullets in our fire fight
Is where I’ll be hiding waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splashed in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into
your room

The space between
Our wicked lies is
The hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
Cause we’re walking out of here
Right out of here
Is all we need dear

The space between
What’s wrong and right
Is where you’ll find me hiding
Waiting for you

The space between
Your heart and mind
Is the space we’ll fill with time

The space between
The tears we cry is the laughter keeps
us coming back for more
The space between
Our wicked lies where we hope to keep
safe from pain
-Dave Matthews Band

I sit here in Coe as the only staffer on Sunday the week before finals week. That group of five girls in to the right keep talking, probably trying to churn out a final project due tomorrow morning at 10:30am. They are starting to annoy me, but I don't have the guts to tell them to quite down, in all reality the are probably working on something valid, I am just in the mood where I want to rip everyone's head off that tries to come and talk to me and I feel like I am glaring at everyone who walks by. Oh well, they will get over it, and half of them won't remember who I am next fall or even this summer. I thought I saw Linus in here a couple minutes ago, was going to go say hi to him but I looked back and he wasn't there, did I imagine him, am I really that sleep deprived? I don't think so, though everything is still surreal I feel I don't belong back in Laramie yet, I am not ready for the daily routine of work and school, the many papers to be turned out and the talking with teachers to see what I need to do, with what I missed last week. I was glad we didn't have boomerangs this morning, I desparatly needed the sleep, even though there wasn't much to be had. Surveys and quota increases suck ass, put money on their account unlock the cabniet put the money in and do it all over again in 2 minutes.
----
I started this at 12:15 and it is now 2, one hour left and the lab is too full for just one staffer. My hair is getting long now and I am debating whether or not to shave it again. Maybe while it is still this short I will checker board it this time, or maybe just let it grow and not dye it. (Yes, I know Jim you dye Easter eggs, and color hair, some day I'll get it down.) It is funny and annoying when users don't realize they can't print to the image document you have to print to the printer, gee imagine that. That guy was really tall, quite a bit taller than even Clay. Before I start babbling any more incoherently I will say good-day and leave you all with a link my dad sent me it is well, as most things my dad sends me interesting. Shop Horror: British Shop Names (puntastic for all our punny people out there) http://www.shophorror.co.uk/index.html.

Blogger ate my Blog

2005-04-11T10:36:00.000-07:00

So, upon helping Christin paste links into her template we discovered that my blog, was getting the file not found error. I found this quite odd, although I have not done anything or checked my blog in quite a few days it should have been just fine. I logged into to blogger and it said I have no blog. So here we are. I guess one could look at this as a new beginning or some crap, really it is more just shitty. Starting over this time...hopefully this does not become a reacurring thing.

“Hope will never be silent”

Fall changes:

Second Class

Ten years.

Don't Vote.

Changing

Getting Back to the Heart.

When there are no words.

"Hour follows hour, like water follows water."

What The World Is Coming To...

Really? With all the pinks and reds?

It's True!

bleh...

A post.

"my hands grope for the light, my hands grope for my head."

Ooo look how shiny the lights can be.

Awh Thanks to Nerdy

Ah, another milestone. "Why do I remember this?"

Life Doesn't Slow Down

A Recap.

Skeletons.

Punk is Dead

The debate continues.

Anybody?

Could it really be true?

Little mister grumpy man.

No, that is what AWESOME IS MADE OF!!!

The Flock is going communal, again...without the cheese smell this time.

Our Pride

Dunn Dunnn DUUUHH!!!!!

I have Brian's stick!!

There is always a break in the clouds.

"But they’ll still look in your eyes

The Parable of the Sockgod.

Does the Boggie Man exist?

The Compu Dragon! Haha all shall fear me!

A Black Vatican Testimonial!

Mass Genocide of the Earthworm People.

Do you smell that?

Yup, it's that time of year...again.

Blurred Moments.

"All we have are our

Horoscopes Aren't Always Wrong:

It rained yesterday.

Grraaw!

"Rus Bus, Arive Alive!"

Do You Mind? Come on it's Dropkick Murphy's.

....<3's

Impending Doom O'doomness! Squeee!!

I live in a frozen tundra, of a waste land.

*Grumble....freakin' neighbors...Grumble Grumble*

AAAHHHHHAAHHHH!!!

Shoestrings of Death

The Dilliema

Can't Breathe Properly

50 minutes and counting:

Happy Chrismahanuakwanzayulica

J'ai manqué mes montagnes.

...

Guess What!!??

How did we get here?

Escaping into Snow

Because you let me dance with you.

I am a GEEK!!

Isn't it time to go home yet?

"Oh no I've said too much, I haven't said enough"

Because Mandy Said I Should...

And Maybe There is a God…

And It's Here Without a Warning

Will You Take Action?

What I learned from this semester??

Primavera

"We Interupt Our Regularly Scheduled Programming...

12 1/2 hours and I swear you would be loopy too.

Making a Difference

The last day of Spring Break and I am stuck working all day.

Excerpts From Traveling to the Heartland.

WOOOO!!! CLASSES!!!

Three Years...too short...or too long?

Bah, yes the Sock God has spoken

Grumble....freakin' neighbors...Grumble Grumble